To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

[Schizophonic]

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things"

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

OP, your rage is awesome...I totally sympathise but am also cracking up in the face of such white-hot vitriol.

What is your husband's defense? Does he know why you're so pissed off? Have you managed to have an actual conversation about what happened?

Bollocks to anger management.
He should have done what was asked. Preferably after the first time rather than the sixth.
If it takes extreme measures to get him to act like a considerate human being then so be it.
Hurrah for OP!

ITS NOT CRAZY!!! He was told over and over and over again!!! nicely at first.

"Dh, please don't leave socks in the bathroom"
"DH, you have left socks in the bathroom again, please don't as it REALLY winds me up"
"DH, you said you wouldn't leave socks in the bathroom anymore, there are four in there now and I have friends coming around later, would prefer it if they didn't see us living in a shit tip"
"DH - your socks are in the bathroom AGAIN. I won't clear them away for you but I will get rid of them if they're still there when I get in from work"
"DH, your four socks are now in around 100 pieces on the floor, the hoover will sort it."

What SHOULD I do?? just run around cleaning up after him because I can't live in squalor?

OP, I love you. You are totally brilliant

Am PMSL at the image of you cutting all his socks into tiny pieces

LOL!

I absolutely LOVE the leaving the pots in the car Schizo. Genius. And no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's taken me 2 years of basically laying down the law to get my DP to get off his arse and contribute to the work in the house because his mother has always done absolutely EVERYthing for him his whole life - to the point where FIL will get the milk out of the fridge and leave it on the side instead of putting it back in the fridge because he's such a bone idle bastard! I have pointed out (loudly when necessary) that I am NOT his mother and will NOT be doing the running about after him that his mother does.

However, I do still do the lion's share of stuff in the house, but given that he leaves the house at 6.30 in the morning and doesn't get home until 11pm at night (he works 2 jobs at the moment) I'm certainly not expecting a 50/50 share as I work considerably less hours than he does (although still full-time).

However, it was utterly cowardly and lazy for him to just sit there and expect you to sort things out while his PIL were visiting. I would have read him the riot act right there and then in front of them. Tough.

In my DP's defence, he HAS learned and often cooks if we have guests and without question will take away the dishes and wash up if I've cooked. He knows them's the rules!

I completely sympathise with you OP. Putting the pots in his car though, is a work of genius to which I doff my hat in your general direction!

I am in complete agreement with you schizophonic (although I think you need to be more assertive - MIL does not determine the division of labour in your house and you don't need to let her). I'm just waiting for some posters to ask whether your husband is depressed and to suggest that you need a cleaner. Because that is the answer to all questions where the male partner does not pull his weight.

(Though actually with all that stuff about bleach and cutting up socks you are starting to sound a bit mad and I wonder whether simply separating might be easier)

FWIW, I don't think you're crazy at all. I can totally understand your fury. He's a grown-up, he should be able to pick up after himself.

I heart the OP

[decides against 'calm down dear' as an amusing ironic response]

The pots in car - perfect.

The socks and clothes, maybe not. I would have put a washing basket in the bathroom, then when he dropped his clothes by it, done the cutting up/bleach thing. :)

"I spend half an hour cutting his new socks up into tiny pieces"

pmsl the perfect cross post with mine...

"Cutting up his clothes or shoving bananas up the exhaust pipe verges on deranged"

I'm NOT being unfair. Being a "Man" does NOT give you the right to act like a fucking dick. I've watched "men" treating women like fucking slaves all my life and enough is enough I will NOT be a part of that.

I wholeheartedly agree.

But the solution is not to become a bully and a control freak.

op if a female friend had told you that her husband had cut up her clothes and roused them in bleach, how would you respond?

I would hazard a guess that it could be described quite reasonably as domestic violence.

Posted before the sock-cutting up and the bleach. That does verge on extreme, sorry! Thought you were letting off steam initially...

Op your a loon and i feel sorry for your partner. How old are you and how long have you been together?

I am honestly cannot see what it is he has done wrong.

At his mums house, his mum enjoys looking after the males. Thats her choice. YOU should of told her NO, when you were asked to help. THAT IS YOUR OWN FAULT.

I agree you had an agreement when the PIL came BUT his mum choice to take his place. What you are forgetting is, it is her choice and also she probably enjoys looking after her LITLLE BOY. You let it happen by not standing up for yourself.

He is better off without you. You sound unhitched. GET A GRIP.

YANBU

But you do need to communicate your rules to your MiL in a clear and non-aggressive fashion.

I have a laundry basket in the bathroom. It tends to help solve the problem of dirty washing .. but in our house I am probably the one guilty of leaving an item of clothing lying around. Thankfully I dont have a psychotic husband who would cut it into pieces or pour bleach over it.

Both of us have our own little areas of failure in our house, we dont resort to wrecking things, throwing things, or spending half our lives in a state of suppressed fury at each other. He may leave his empty beer can on the coffee table each night... I leave the wet towel on the bed..

We have been together 12 years, and have had very few arguments, and a lot of laughs together. We have no doubt irritated each other at times, but neither of us have ever done anything quite so extreme as cut things up, or bleach things.

I couldnt live like the OP, if the person who I lived with had such different expectations to my own. It doesnt sound like a very happy existence for either of you.

Oh leaving the milk out on the side - don't even get me STARTED on that one. Not only did he used to leave the milk out on the side, he used to leave the cupboard doors open (I walked into one once and almost knocked myself out, ended up with a black eye and when people asked who'd done it, I said DH. Naturally people assumed he'd hit me which left him having to explain that he is unable to shut cupboard doors and that's how it happened).

But the one thing that REALLY niggles away at my brain and makes me venomously angry is that he would make a cup of tea and then leave the tea bag on the worktop. THERE WAS A FUCKING BIN ON THE WAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN. Again I asked him MANY times not to do this. Many, many times. But did he listen? only when he started to find the bastards stuck under his laptop lid.
Why is it he won't listen unless it effects HIM??? selfish bastard/

You do sound on the verge of mental illness

Have you enquired about professional help at all

Yeah, the destroying things is outside what I'm comfortable with too. The dishes in car is fine IMO and I would have got a big basket or box and put all the dirty stuff left for you tidy up in it till he had no clean clothes and had to sort them out himself - again, it moves them out of your way but avoids you having to take responsibility for them.

So what did you do? Put the teabags in his bed? Burn him with a kettle?!

I agree that the cutting up socks and bleaching clothes verges on domestic violence. You are destroying his property OP, that is going too far. Yes he is annoying you, but if he doesn't listen and isn't the right person for you then the solution is to break up, not to be aggressive towards him. What if he wanted you to do something, and destroyed your books because you didn't do it? If my DH did something like that to me I'd be gone in a flash, it would really scare me.

I still think its crazy. I would leave my DP if he did anything like this. You need help.

Love some of the OP's tactics; however, I agree that some short, leaden assertiveness with MIL is in order.
I remember my MIL droning on about some of DP's clothes that were waiting to go in the washer (I do the washing, as I enjoy it....DP does 90% of the washing up because he likes it....you get the drift, over the years we've got our division of labour pretty sorted).
Anyway....MIL - "yaddah yaddah yaddah clothes washing blah.....You're not interested, ARE you?"
Me - "No".

This was around 10 years ago.....she's said bog all since. She's commented once or twice how lucky I am that he pulls his weight, and I've responded that I'm not, it's a minimum requirement in running a functional dual-income household with two kids.
Keep it concise and deadpan, no emotion, no snippiness.
And repeat as often as needed.

"This is how we do things here. We both work full-time" and other similar phrases. Keep tone as neutral as poss.

Alternatively, you could stow the washing up in the PIL's boot before they drive home.......

ah laptop lid. Ok. Missed that part...

Oh i get it now, your taking the piss.