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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

344 replies

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:09

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things" Hmm

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

OP posts:
Dotty342kids · 26/01/2012 15:24

Even I'm starting to wonder if all this rage is good for either of you.
Sorry OP but I do wonder if you're doing either of you any good, carrying this amount of rage around....

tardisjumper · 26/01/2012 15:26

Ok, I think you are in the right here. All the things you do have been suggested onother threads (ok maybe not the bleach.... but variants on a theme) when women have winged about their DPs doing nothing.

My DP had a far less severe habit of 'cooking roast dinner' which involved buggering off at the precise moment that everything needed to be pulled together. So, one day I just left him too it. It meant his mother who had just had a hysterectomy took over, which I feel bad about. But luckily he felt bad enough about it to never do it ever again.

StripeyScarf · 26/01/2012 15:26

Imagine the outcry if a wife came on saying her oh treated her like this, destroying her stuff and screaming at her

squeakytoy · 26/01/2012 15:26

And for all of you patting the OP on the back, telling her what a hero she is.. supposing this was in reverse and it was the husband..

"I left my hair straighteners in the bathroom, and my husband keeps reminding me to move them.. I forgot and because he had reminded me a few times, he smashed them up"

"I know I am a bit lazy at times and my husband does more housework than me, I meant to wash up, but completely forgot cos I was on mumsnet, and when I got in the the car this morning he had dumped all the dirty pots in the car"

There would be an outcry of "leave the bastard" and advice to ring Womens Aid.

Sorry, but I think the OP, if she isnt getting carried away with all the congratulatory posts and now embellishing things, sounds like a fucking nightmare to live with. Yes, the husband is a bit lazy, but jeeeeze, the reaction to his laziness is way OTT.

If you dont like him, leave him and find someone who can come up to your expectations without driving you to this extreme.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/01/2012 15:26

Bummer. This is a wind up isn't it?

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 15:28

Your behaviour and your situation both sound really unhealthy to me. If you can't sort these issues out without resorting to such extreme, destructive acts then maybe you just need to agree to disagree and not be together?

The level of anger you are displaying about this is pretty disturbing. Don't get me wrong, I think he sounds really irritating but it can't be good for anyone to be living in such a state of rage as it sounds like you are.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 15:28

Think so dickie - but still LURVE the pots in his car.

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 15:28

I can assure you this is not a wind up. I have just text him and said we need to discuss the future of our relationship when he gets home. The way I'm feeling now I just want him to leave and take all his shit with him and leave me the hell alone.

OP posts:
TimothyClaypoleLover · 26/01/2012 15:29

Leave the bastard!!

MrSpoc · 26/01/2012 15:29

Squeakytoy - I think this is a wind up. No one can be this bad, can they?

If it is true. Who the fuck would go about telling everyone that her husband gave her a black eye. That is wrong on many levels.

Jjou · 26/01/2012 15:30

I think that might be safer for him...

steamedtreaclesponge · 26/01/2012 15:30

Well, how do you STOP carrying rage around when your husband is being a useless prick and not doing his share of the housework? More than that, when you have repeatedly asked him not to do something and he continues to do it? It shows a deep disrespect for you as a person. I would blow my top if someone treated me like that - if he truly saw you as an equal he wouldn't be happy leaving his mess around for you to deal with.

SunRaysthruClouds · 26/01/2012 15:30

OP Get a grip

Then kick him in the nuts when he gets back

squeakytoy · 26/01/2012 15:30

I have just text him and said we need to discuss the future of our relationship when he gets home. The way I'm feeling now I just want him to leave and take all his shit with him and leave me the hell alone.

But it wouldnt be a discussion would it. It would be you telling him how you want him to toe the line. I can see no middle ground, no compromise, and no way that you would see it any way other than your own.

Why should he leave? Why do you not leave?

Do you have children?

MrSpoc · 26/01/2012 15:31

Op i bet he has just had a massive sigh of releive. I hope he does fuck off and find someone he can be happy with.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/01/2012 15:31

Pots in the car are great Shirl. If I'd have done that with exbastard I'd have been eating off the carpet though.

SunRaysthruClouds · 26/01/2012 15:32

Agreed Mr Spoc

I reckon OP had all the rules laid out when they got married and he had to sign on the dotted line.

Kayzr · 26/01/2012 15:32

If this isn't a wind up I hope he takes his stuff and leaves. After cutting your stuff up and pouring bleach on your favourite clothes.

MrSpoc · 26/01/2012 15:32

Agree squeakytoy. Why does Op make all the dessisons. Why can't the Op's husband live how he feels comfortable.

WheresMeJumper · 26/01/2012 15:33

If this is true, you really are some piece of work. Its your way or no way, and if someone doesnt do what you say, then you smash thier stuff? That is abusive.
You are not doing the feminist cause any favours, but perpetuating the stereotype that women are irrational.

If this is a wind up, then it is an epic fail.

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 15:33

I think breaking up might be the wise choice Schizophonic. You clearly don't communicate well with one another. What I would worry about is how far you might escalate things in the future. On the scale of things, what your DH does are mildly annoying things. If you have to resort to that level of aggression for messiness around the house I seriously advise you not to have children with him.

Jux · 26/01/2012 15:34

YANBU at all. You are a brilliant example. (Personally I would have just peed on the clothes on the loo.)

You should write a handbook for all girls on how to treat a man who thinks she's his personal slave.

EirikurNoromaour · 26/01/2012 15:34

I am starting to feel exhausted reading this. If you are for real then this level of rage is really unhealthy. If he makes you feel this way then maybe you should not be with him.

I am starting to suspect this isn't real though...

MrSpoc · 26/01/2012 15:35

Oh before you fuck him off, let him read this thread. Please, at least then he can heed my advice. run for the hills while you still can

WoTmania · 26/01/2012 15:35

YANBU. I applaud you OP.

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