To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

[Schizophonic]

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things"

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

No, I´m not perfect & if I´m running late stuff doesn´t get done.

But it´s not frequent enough to piss anyone off.

And I don´t think that OP should have done what she did.

But equally I think that her husband is a lazy/inconsiderate fucker to frequently leave stuff on the toilet & bathroom floor.

Exactly Ploink.

Dirty crockery in car= funny, and actually what people are advised to do on MN.

Destroying other people's stuff in punishment= never okay. This covers the socks and the bleach.

Teabags in laptop= amusing. Although I do hope you made sure they wouldn't damage it, you little internet sprite.

There are two separate issues here that are getting confused (and I think the OP is getting confused about):

1. challenging gender roles to achieve equality at home -not washing up his pots because its women's work is outrageous and the pots in the car approach is probably understandable after the failure of reasoned discussion

2. the challenges of living with another adult -the leaving clothes around could just be how he is, he may not be bothered by the mess and disorganisation this causes, he might not expect a woman to pick up after him...the destruction of his things because he doesn't conform to the OPs standards is OTT.

It's hard sometimes to live with someone who has different standards or takes your messy ways as a personal insult or act of war. It's not always about gender. There has to be compromise.

I left my nowXDH but went back home occasionally to do the laundry (stop laughing), collct post etc. I left a gap in time and he actually came to my work reception (law firm) and asked to see me. Sitting in a chair, he lifted a trouser leg to show his socks and complained that he'd only got one pair of socks left and they were red. Those around thought it was funny and laughed. He slunk out sheepishly.

I wouldn't have bleached his clothes though.

*collect

FWIW, I didn't for one minute think the latter post by the OP were remotely likely to be true... I take your point about bullying but I do think that there are far too many people on this thread and others that do, in fact, seem to think that having a penis precludes the necessity to pick up socks/share responsibility for the home and children, etc.

Classic.

A Mumsnet classic.

I love Mumsnet.

I am rubbish at housework, my DH is brilliant. I know I get on his nerves, sometimes, as I am so untidy. But I do most of the cooking (though he is good at this too , and sometimes does it) We share washing up. He works weird hours to my more conventional ones, so I do have his dinner and a cup of tea ready for him when he comes in late evenings. He uses the washing machine more than me, but I sort and do the ironing. I also do any driving that has to be done, as he doesn't drive! In other words, we share ,and we give and take in our home life.

I just out the socks in DHs coat pockets. Result. OP, barking. But hate IL attitude.

Dirty pots in car = inspired. Cutting up socks = odd (why not just stick them IN the dirty pots in the car?). Bleaching the clothes = Bordering on unstable (Again, why not just stuff them in his car, on top of the dirty pots and the socks?).

I DON'T however, see it as reasonable or equal for one person in a relationship to totally discount the feelings of another. Which is, when all is said and done, what leaving your shit behind you is, if you have been TOLD that it bothers your partner. It is basically minimising your partners feelings on where THEY have to live, making them feel uncomfortable in their own home. A tidy home can't possibly make anyone feel UNcomfortable. A messy home CAN.

And yes, I did feel 'stabby' when my Ex-P consistantly left his clothes at the top of the stairs where it was dangerous for the dc (Because he KNEW I would have to pick it up if he left it there), or at the end of the bed in our very small room (Because he KNEW I would have to do it because it would cause me to trip when holding the baby, thus unsafe). I just stuffed everything on HIS side of the bed. And if he pushed his shit over to MY side of the bed if he went to bed before me, I would pick it up when I got into bed, and pile it on top of him. Does that make me deranged? Maybe. But like FUCK was I going to take all his dirty clothes downstairs and put them in the washing basket when his 7yo son with SN could manage it! And due to his very careful positioning of the piles of clothing, it was unsafe and impossible to ignore for more than 2 days at a time.

OH - and the key to what you are saying, squeakytoy, is this comment 'Equality is not about ensuring there is a balanced 50/50 split of every chore, it is about a balance of a happy and stress free life. If everyone is happy with the way things are, then it doesnt matter if one person does all the washing up, and the other person never so much as wipes a spoon.'. And if one person ISN'T happy with that? What if BOTH people HATE doing the washing up with a passion - what then? If they BOTH hate it, yet only ONE person ends up doing it all, all the time - then that is NOT equality IMO.

Thank you HuntyCat. That's exactly what I failed to articulate.

OP, you are completely unhinged.

I disagree that a tidy home can never make anyone feel uncomfortable whereas a messy one can. A friend of mine (female; very messy) was terrified of feeling relaxedin her own home leaving stuff around as she was used to doing. Her ex was very controlling and made her feel like utter shit. For her mess is how she is happiest. Similarly at my dad's house growing up I always felt quite intimidated by how tidy everything was, my stepmother seemed to hate mess noise etc and would sigh quietly a lot. I would leave someone who was horribly controlling and aggressive about mess, or about anything in fact. It's hideous and scary.

OP you are deranged. You need help because reactions like cutting up his socks and bleaching his clothes are NOT NORMAL.

I wouldnt worry too much about him being a bit lazy when his mum is there, because he will have moved back in with them before long , you sound like a total bloody nightmare!

For the record, I would have been bloody annoyed at what he did too, but there is no way on this earth i would have reacted like this!

They surely cannot have children yet? Wtf will happen if they do?

They surely cannot have children yet? Wtf will happen if they do?

What will happen is in 30 years they will be posting on the Stately Homes thread, and making a fortune for their therapists :(

Will the real OP come out and take a bow?