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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

344 replies

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:09

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things" Hmm

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/01/2012 14:28

I sense that the issue is more complicated than the problem with the inlaws. Do you find you have to tell him what to do around the house all the time?

ChickensGoMeh · 26/01/2012 14:28

I'm in the stabby corner. Although, if I could get away with doing fuck all and being waited on hand and foot, I'd probably like it.

anastaisia · 26/01/2012 14:28

I don't even think it's okay for him to accept it in their house and let you be made to help tbh.

He needs to point out to his parents that you work too and they can't apply their division of labour to his relationship.

And don't think you're over reacting given that it was something you'd already discussed not an out of the blue thing that you both reacted differently to.

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:29

I'm sorry I have to log off and make a drink, I'm far too angry to keep thinking about it and it's making it worse. I'll come back to this later.

OP posts:
Iggly · 26/01/2012 14:30

Er is this just about washing up?

Do his ILs annoy you? Do you worry about becoming like them hence The Rage?

What were your parents like?

stillfrazzled · 26/01/2012 14:30

Op, you might be overreacting a little (although I'm feeling stabby just reading it) but your rage is magnificent. I just lol'd on the train at that last post.

nenevomito · 26/01/2012 14:31

Well if my DH had done the same thing I'd be fuming as well and I want to applaud you for the dumping of pots in his car, thats inspired and I am in awe of your imaginative way of dealing with this.

At the least he owes you an apology and next time his parents are coming round he cooks something good and he does the washing up as well to make up for it.

ComposHat · 26/01/2012 14:31

YABU - massive overreaction. Yes your husband was a bit of a fud, but dumping pots in his car for ffs?

If you are too lilylivered to stand up to your mother in law and assert your authority in your own home, then it isn't your husband's problem.

blackeyedsusan · 26/01/2012 14:33

I suspect he was too embarrressed and did not want to be shown up as not being a real man in front of his parents. poor thing spineless

I would not do anymore cooking when the pils are round until dh has done his turn at washing up and cooking for them.

Dotty342kids · 26/01/2012 14:33

Schiz, I seriously admire your style! This sort of thing drives me scatty too. My DH does the sit on the sofa, take control of the remote thing when we are at the in laws, and also falls asleep, leaving me to make ocnversation with them. It drives me up THE WALL!
He's even been known to do it in our house too but to avoid me going into meltdown I simply store it up till after the inlaws have left.
This week I am meticulously writing down every single job I do to run the household / our family life (and his - that's turning out to be a very short list) and on Sunday night I will be presenting it to him for "a talk". I seriously don't think some men realise they're born.............

aldiwhore · 26/01/2012 14:33

YANBU schiz but for some reason I'm more angry with your MIL than your DH. Though I do think the way you're dealing with this is simply splendid!

Your DH was given permission to be an arse by one of the closest women in his life, the other (you) allowed him to act on that permission by biting your tongue. Your DH was still an arse, but I'm afraid I wouldn't have bitten my tongue, I would have frogmarched MIL into the lounge and frogmarched DH into the kitchen. Meh.

LOVING the pots in the car method, saves a lot of shouting.

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:34

jesus christ that bastard SAT THERE after we'd TALKED about in 10 FUCKING MINUTES before they arrived!!!! of course its his fault!! its ALL his fault!!! god I should never have posted I now feel a million times angrier than I did before!!!

Woman do the cooking
Woman do the cleaning
Man acting like a twat - womans fault - naturally!

OP posts:
ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 14:34

I bloody LOVE the OP.

Love. Her.

DilysPrice · 26/01/2012 14:34

From his POV you are asking him to have an explicit disagreement about politics with his mum, and make it clear that he has rejected her life choices. I'm not saying you're wrong, and I'm sure he can find a way to do it, given the will and a bit of tact, but it's not a trivial request.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 14:36

Next time I read one of those "Oh DH won't lift a finger, I'm exhausted, but you know what men are like " threads I am linking them here

ecclesvet · 26/01/2012 14:36

A bit Confused at all the admiration for the OP's behaviour.

How would MN react to a husband who dumped the dirty plates in his wife's car if she didn't wash up straight away?

MoChan · 26/01/2012 14:37

Did you not say to her "well, I've been at work all week too? Why does he get to rest when I don't?"

That's not a criticism. I am BEYOND ANGRY on your behalf. You are completely reasonable to be angry with him.

Does MIL actually know that you work longer hours than him?

I get SO enraged by this. The "he's had a hard week at work thing". How can people still think that this washes when the woman in a relationship is, these days, more often than not, also out at work?

That's not to say it's even remotely excusable if the woman is working at home (ie, looking after children).

Anyway, he is in the wrong. You are right to be cross.

muffinflop · 26/01/2012 14:37

You need a dishwasher....

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 14:38

You are quite something OP. I feel I shouldn't be amused at your anger but I am.

aldiwhore · 26/01/2012 14:38

Well no Schiz, MIL's fault AND FIL's fault and your DH's fault, so mostly the men's fault.

Why on earth did YOU follow MIL into the kitchen? Your actions weren't much different to your DH's in that respect, why not just sit in the lounge and say 'I'm okay for tea thanks'.

Sorry if I'm being a spanner in the works.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 26/01/2012 14:38

Okay, now breathe...
And Brew

Calmer?

Right, tell us all about it. There's clearly more to this than the washing up!

Lambzig · 26/01/2012 14:39

OP, I admire your slightly bonkers magnificant rage putting the pots in the car, I really do. Wish I had the nerve sometimes, but fear with my DH it would escalate really fast.

I agree with others that in his parents house, you kind of have to go along with it (can still look back on my PIL going on and on - and they still do about how lucky I was that DH would change a nappy), but in your house you should just stick up for yourself - you should plonk yourself on the sofa and demand DH does his share.

Gay40 · 26/01/2012 14:41

I think I have a crush on the OP. Women who can fly into such a rage at family misogyny are generally HOT.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 26/01/2012 14:41

Well done OP!

Overreacting? No, just actually CARRYING OUT the threats other women make when this happens... but never actually do, no they just mutter and get on with the job of Doing All The Shit.

And so their partners continue to get away with this kind of crap. Whereas, OP had no pots to put in the car this morning...

However OP, wrt the PIL visit - you should have spoken up as per eurochick's post. YOUR house, YOUR rules!!

And yes, I agree - if he wants to act that way, leaving him is a perfectly fair reaction. If you don't want to share your life with a lazy prick... then don't!!

Grin
Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:41

oh my god my head is about to EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe he's right and the "proper" way if for me to act like a lady and him to be the man.
In that case, I'll give up my job - after all, I'm only a woman. This will make him the "breadwinner". We can say goodbye to any foreign holidays and will have to sell one of the cars but hey - it makes him "THE BIG MAN!"
Next time a light bulb needs changing - he can do the fucker. I'm only a woman
Next time something needs fixing, I'll stand there twirling my hair around my finger because I'm only a girl, can't possible get my hands dirty.
Next time there is a spider I'll jump up and down screaming - I'm only a girl, what does he expect?
Oh and I can't drive. Cos I'm only a woman. Driving is a man's job - that will be a fucker next time he needs a lift home from a night out!!!

Oh and I better stop swearing, now that I'm a little woman. I'll suck his cock whilst he watches MOTD too and surrender myself whenever he requires my body because I'M ONLY A WOMAN

OP posts:
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