To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

[Schizophonic]

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things"

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

That is how he was brought up. At the start of your relationship he was the way he was because that is how his parents lived. Why you were shocked is anyones guess.

It's a shame you've gone OP (though understandable). This would have been better in relationships because imo there is more to this than meets the eye. re the depth of your rage suggests this is hitting on old stuff imo. It could also be one of 'those' revelations about your relationship - blinding and very painful.

You clearly have absolute and total zero tolerance for being treated like a slave - with you there! - and you have made it abundantly clear that you do not tolerate and will not accept being treated like your husband's (or anyone's) slave. You clearly flag up when your husband does things that you find disrespectful; and calmly asked him repeatedly to eg not leave his socks/clothes lying around. When he has repeatedly ignored your clear and rational requests, you have taken decisive action. Good on you.

While it is commendable that you will not tolerate a man, any man, treating you like a slave, the level of your rage suggests that being treated like this hits a nerve that is so raw you can't bear it: not so much a political nerve but personal. If you have "witnessed too many men treating women like slaves" (not exact quote, sorry) then perhaps that is the source of the white-hot, volcanic rage, not what your husband has or hasn't done, bad though it was. I don't think eg that it is something to leave a marriage for of itself though I appreciate your anger. It's the deep rage that doesn't quite fit?

I'm only reading first page as trying unsuccessfully to manage my insomniac attack. But laughing @ the pots in the car & the stabby stabby comments. Imo you are nbu and raging at your own feelings of helplessness at a whole family's disregard for the women's movement and our subsequent emancipation.
My mil is horrified @ how much dh helps around his own home, even in light of my disabilities.

Op you are the most reasonable aibu poster for a long time.

If all women were like you I'd die happy.

This is an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, right?

Fuck me, I am glad I don't have to live with you OP.

OP I am head over heels in love with you. Please come back. XXX

lol. Best wind up thread for ages. Pots in the car a particular highlight! The women of mumsnet reacted as one in their delighted admiration, pretty much. You went a bit too far after that and ruined the mood though! Still. A good effort.

This is what the OP would do if her car wouldn't start.

Do you really enjoy your role as abusive husband? How would you react if he just turned round to you and told you to fuck off? Would you actually become physically violent?

I am amazed at the amount of people who agree with the OP and aspire to be like her!

It's her DHs house too! Who says that OP gets to set the rules about where socks are left. She says she doesn't want to be treated like his mum but she is acting like it by setting all the rules and punishing him if he doesn't stick to them.

He, as an equal member of the household gets to choose how he lives his life. He shouldn't be living in fear of the OP going nuts and cutting up and bleaching his belongings because he sometimes forgets to pick up his clothes.

Imagine if this was the other way around . . . "My DH is very controlling. He tells me how to do everything and is always nagging about the housework etc . I do my fair share but he wants it all done HIS way. He has all these rules about how our home should be and if I forget to stick to one of the rules he goes crazy! Last week I left my clothes in the bathroom and he went nuts! He sat there for ages and ages cutting my clothes into tiny pieces, put them in the bath and then poored bleach on them. I worry what he is going to do next! He has even started telling other people that I am physically abusing him. Whenever he has an injury he tells them I did it!"

The replies . . . "He's a controlling arsehole RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND! Does he ever hit you etc etc"

Whether this thread is a wind up or not is irrelevent. What is relevant is the amount of women on here who think it is ok to treat a man like this! As women we have battled to be treated as equals in and out of the home, but this seems to lead some women to think that we can and should treat men like shit if they are not perfect. They deserve to be treated with respect as well and as equals in the home. That means that they also get to choose how and when to do housework. Equality in the home doesn't mean that women get to set the rules and act like the housework police. THAT is not equality.

OP If everything you have written is true then you need urgent professional help. I hope for you DHs sake that he leaves you/chucks you out. This is your problem and he shouldn't have to live with you while you are getting help for it. Chip/Shoulder etc.

Seriously though, why should she clear up someone else's shit? She is not his mother.

BUT if he has lived his whole life like this with his mother cleaning/clearing up after him then I think the key word is evolution rather than revolution. It anin't going to happen overnight...

"It's her DHs house too! "

Yes it is-but he´s an adult & can surely be expected not to leave clothes on the floor/toilet & to be able to close cupboards?

Totally agree with you ploink

Up to the point OP mentioned shredding DHs sock and bleaching clothes, I was believing this, and quite admired her ranting. She'd obviously reached the end of her tether.

I now think it's a wind-up. I hope it's a wind-up. And I think if a woman a posted on here that her DH had poured bleach on her clothes and cut up others for the sin of - gasp! - leaving a couple of pairs of socks on the bathroom floor - most of MN would tell her he was an abusive bully. So how can anyone condone the OPs behaviour?

This isn't about equality, it's about her behaving like a thug, and feeling justified.

Excellent post ploink.

Lets suppose OP (if she exists in real life), likes her windows to be cleaned every week, and her husband doesnt think his 50% of the windows need to be cleaned weekly... is she going to put a brick through them?

If my husband regularly left a pair of socks on the bathroom floor... I probably would walk over them for a day or two, after all, they are not going to jump up off the floor and attack me.. if, the next time I was passing by with the dirty washing basket, I would chuck them in with it.. equally, if he was passing by with the dirty washing basket, he would chuck them in.

Equality is not about ensuring there is a balanced 50/50 split of every chore, it is about a balance of a happy and stress free life. If everyone is happy with the way things are, then it doesnt matter if one person does all the washing up, and the other person never so much as wipes a spoon.

BellaVita Seriously though, why should she clear up someone else's shit? She is not his mother.

diddl "It's her DHs house too! " Yes it is-but he´s an adult & can surely be expected not to leave clothes on the floor/toilet & to be able to close cupboards?

Are you perfect? Do you never leave a dirty cup in the sink or forget to rinse the bath after you? When you're going on a night out do you never run late and end up leaving makeup out in the bathroom or a few rejected outfits slung on the bed? If you do any of these things, and I would imagine that most people do, does your DH destroy them to punish you? Do you think he is justified in doing this?

Ploink - maybe I do very occasionally, but I am quite anal about tidiness and I like things in their place before I leave the house. DH never notices anything around him

However, I think it is a learning curve for anyone getting their first house together, you need to make allowances for each other.

DH and I have been married 25 years in June and he now knows what is acceptable and what isn't

Hah! I bet this a wind up but I wish it were true...

Do you Belle? Do you really?

BellaVita You may very well be anal about tidiness and so may the OP, but what if you're DH and hers aren't? Why should they live to your rules? How about you live to theirs?

"However, I think it is a learning curve for anyone getting their first house together, you need to make allowances for each other. DH and I have been married 25 years in June and he now knows what is acceptable and what isn't" wink

That's contraditory. Need to make allowance for each other on the one hand but he's also living by what you say is acceptable on the other. Like the OP you are being the mum in the relationship. You're not his mother or his boss. How come YOU'VE taught HIM what's acceptable for YOU?

Ploink - the bit about DH knowing what was acceptable was tongue in cheek hence the .

Yes, I do... If you've been brought up in an environment where your abusive alcoholic father is waited on hand and foot by your bullied and beaten mother, you tend to like women not taking any shit.

BelleDameSansMerci but you are happy for men to be treated in the same way, bullied and treated like shit? You've experience should have taught you that it's not right to treat anyone like that, not to want revenge on the male population with a whole role reversal of your childhood experience. I too experienced similar as a child, I have had counselling to make me a more balanced individual because often when you've been through something like that it is hard to know what is normal and balanced. Controlling the household with rigid rules and destroying the others property for disobeying is not normal and balanced. Children should not be exposed to that, whether it comes from mother or father.