To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

[Schizophonic]

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things"

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

DH helps round the house (slightly different as I work freelance so am often a SAHM when not working) but he does it in the way that my 4 year old DC would - looking for a gold star on the reward chart

That Jaded. Just that.

OP you are magnificent.

Oh SlightlyJaded:

"DH helps round the house (slightly different as I work freelance so am often a SAHM when not working) but he does it in the way that my 4 year old DC would - looking for a gold star on the reward chart - and not because he fundamentally believes it is fair and right"

This made me do a "start" of recognition! Most men I know who "help" around the house (what a load a shit that expression is - fucking "help" ) are like this!

Unless I've (also?) gone barking mad, I don't think anyone on this thread has said you should shut the fuck up and doing the washing. Most people have entirely agreed with your sentiment even if some have found your response a tad extreme (I couldn't be arsed moving the pots to the car, I would literally just let the kitchen fill up to the ceiling myself).

Is it wrong to think how hilarious it would be if your DH got stopped by the police with a load of unwashed pots in his boot?

My DH used to do the "four year old looking for a star" thing but he's much much better now, basically due to my constant nagging advice.

There is little to be admired in the op's behaviour.

Craven and cowardly with parents in law, bullying and vindictive with husband.

This is fuck all to do with femiism and everything to do with power and control.

All you needed to do is

1. stand up to your mother in law after lunch

2. have a stern word with your husband when they left.

Rather than going on a pointless and ultimately self defeating spell of rattle chucking

Ah, I see we agree once more old friend.

OP YANBU, he was being a dick. I would think long and hard about ever losing your economic independance with this sort of guy as you have seen what his role models are. Which could make kids a bit problematic. I hate that sort of PIL relationship too, with a passion. I always go to the pub with DH and never stay home to cook the roast or whatever, and when we visit families where that sort of thing happens I just go to the pub with the guys. I used to stay and keep the lady cooking company but in the end it made me so cross I chose the either join the men or not go at all. I think the reaction comes back to vehemently not wanting my DMs life.

Shirley / Wilson don't they just??? Honest to god, there are times when he has WASHED UP, and despite the fact that I'd previously cooked a fifteen course meal, he looks at me rather proudly and I think he's hoping I'll say 'thank you, well done'

Caveat: washing up often involves leaving many, many things 'to soak'. Things which do not need 'to soak', but that's a whole other thread.

He sounds a bit lazy, you sound like you need anger management classes, because if you talk to him in the way your posts come across, it must be like living in a warzone.

If my husband were to treat me the way you treat yours, I would drive off, throwing pots and pans out of the window as I sped up the road...

I thank my DH for the food he cooks because he puts a lot of effort into it, and I thank him if he does one of "my" jobs like sorting out my washing, but other than that he gets no thanks for behaving like an adult.

Oh God, my chest has gone all tight just reading this. Now I'M stabby.

OP, will you come with me on my next visit to my PIL? I'll pay for your flight and everything.

I agree with eurochick you should have said something like "No, it's our turn to relax. In this house we share tasks. And I could certainly do with putting my feet up after working 45 hrs last week". Your house, your rules, and she needs to understand that. And a reminder that you work outside the home is no bad thing.

My X used to do this thing where we'd get up on a Saturday Morning (both worked f/t, me in a high pressure job with a shitty commute, and him with early mornings and hard manual labour) and I'd say "Let's do a quick blitz of the place this morning and then we can have the rest of the weekend free" and we'd start and then 2 hours later, after I'd done all the bedrooms, changed bedding, put a wash on, cleaned the bathroom, hoovered blah blah, I'd come downstairs and he'd be standing in the kitchen - all of it a total mess - looking at the dishwasher like it was a piece of machinery beamed into our house from an alien planet.

Dick.

Do you not worry that by saying 'mil says the kettle is working' te that you might have made her already not pleasant life even worse. You put fil in a big grump with her just because your ideas didn't match

That was UR

However,
Yanbu re your husband. He should not revert to his old self just because fil is there and should have stepped up and done the washing. In their house I would have been and annoyed but wouldn't have 'mil says...' when she said no such thing, but equally I would have told her that you do things differently in your own house and DH WiLL be cleaning

Socks in the bathroom. That is what started all this. How difficult is it to take mucky clothes out of the bathroom after a shower? I told him so many times that this drove me up the wall and he didn't listen. He listened only after I spend half an hour cutting his new socks up into tiny pieces and scattering them all over the bathroom floor. He's not done that since. We did however have a problem with clothing being left on the toilet. poor little lamb was unable to pick up the pile of clothing after his shower and take them back upstairs meaning when I went to toilet afterwards, I was left having to move his clothes for him. I tried to tell him. I warned him. 6 times it happened and then the 6th time I moved his clothes for him, placed them in the bath and filled it up. With half a bottle of bleach.

I'm NOT being unfair. Being a "Man" does NOT give you the right to act like a fucking dick. I've watched "men" treating women like fucking slaves all my life and enough is enough I will NOT be a part of that.

Fecking hell! Bleach!

I totally disagree with anyone who thinks it was mad or unjustifiable to put the plates in the car. Had OP, for instance, left the pots to pile up in the kitchen they would have continued to pile up until one of them caved - probably OP if she has a lower tolerance for mess. (Been there. XH never even cared if there was mould developing at the bottom of the heap and would eat off a piece of kitchen roll in extremis.) What she did was invade his space with the fallout. He couldn't ignore that. It looks unhinged on the face of it but has a sound psychological basis in my (admittedly somewhat eccentric) opinion. It is sometimes necessary to appear to be mad to get the point across. And it's a sight more dignified than screaming, throwing plates or even non-stop nagging.

Can a straight woman have a crush on her too please? Or is the queue too long?

He listened only after I spend half an hour cutting his new socks up into tiny pieces and scattering them all over the bathroom floor. He's not done that since

I warned him. 6 times it happened and then the 6th time I moved his clothes for him, placed them in the bath and filled it up. With half a bottle of bleach

You actually sound fucking scary, and an utter control freak.

What does this bloke do that you actually approve of, because so far, you seem to hate him with a bitterness that seems quite chilling.

Wow Schiz, you have some serious history! You'd have thought your DH would have learnt to listen to you by now....

After that last post it's clear you need anger management or something. Cutting up socks and putting bleach on clothes is just plan crazy

*plain not plan. Still crazy though

I just hope there are no children witnessing this extreme behaviour. :(

I looove this thread. You are my hero OP.

Very amusing that some think putting some dirty dishes in his car is a terrible thing to do and worthy of being accused of being deranged! Cutting up his clothes or shoving bananas up the exhaust pipe verges on deranged, putting his dirty crockery in his car is perfect - causes no damage, you don't have to have them in your (enraged) sight and forces him to do something even if its just carry them back into the house. Only downside is that you have to carry them out there in the first place.

Eh yeah, you're scary. Your DH must live in fear.