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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not care what DH thinks of my appearance.

186 replies

wantstosleepnow · 19/01/2012 20:07

This is a long running argument between DH and I.

I have changed hairstyles a few times since we met, when I had long jet black hair.

He hates short hair, and he doesn't like my hair colour(white, almost grey).
So although my hair isn't that short, I did cut it(myself) into a bob last week. He got a bit moody and said why would I do things to make myself deliberately unattractive to him.

The thing is I could never imagine myself not experimenting and trying new
Looks, it's part of what I do. And no, I don't really take into account what he thinks.

Should I?

OP posts:
Cassettetapeandpencil · 19/01/2012 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2012 20:15

It's really up to you how you look. I think most partners wouldn't want to make themselves unattractive to their partner but if they don't care, then they don't care.

Beauty is only skin deep, it's true, but as long as you don't mind when he has no regard for you and what you think, that's fine.

Why are you together, exactly?

MeltedChocolate · 19/01/2012 20:16

You are gonna get so many comments telling you to do as you please.

I personally think that a person should always make a bit of an effort for their partner BUT

because he says you make yourself UNATTRACTIVE to him just because of a hair style makes me think, he is ignoring your feelings so you are free to ignore his by having a short style!

TheParanoidAndroid · 19/01/2012 20:18

If he's shallow enough to find you suddenly unattractive because you have a few inches less hair than you did last week, why would you give a flying fuck what he thinks?
You're his wife, not his own private dress up doll.

Whatmeworry · 19/01/2012 20:19

What you have to do is ask yourself what he is likely to do if you continue. Actions have consequences.

Feminine · 19/01/2012 20:19

You should make an effort.

I think you should want him to still fancy you Wink

But, it works both ways...he should still keep himself in good nick also.

I would hate my DH to let himself go...I'd still love him (of course) but I need to fancy him too...

Just me!

TheParanoidAndroid · 19/01/2012 20:20

plus, all men like long hair, its an evolutionary response because long hair is a signifier of fertility and health, and he finds this sexually attractive as a mating instinct.
So he's shallw and unoriginal.

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 20:20

Do as you please, but dont get the hump if he suddenly decided to have a combover or a mullet cut. Grin

Bangtastic · 19/01/2012 20:21

YABU to not care what he thinks of you. How would you feel if he made himself look like whatever your idea of unattractive in a partner was?

YANBU for wanting to change styles though, that's your right to do so. But definitely BU for not considering him at all in any drastic changes imo.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 19/01/2012 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stubborncow · 19/01/2012 20:23

I think YABU not to care - as others have said, I think that it would not be a good sing if you don't care at all if he fancies you or not.

But I think YANBU to think that since you are married, a haircut or whatever should be a surmountable obstacle to overcome!

thebestisyettocome · 19/01/2012 20:28

I'm sorry to be so blunt but if you cut your hair into a bob yourself the chances are it looks horrific. Even professional hairdressers wouldn't (I guess) attempt to do this themselves. It sounds a bit immature to be still experimenting when you are virtually grey. And I am no fuddy duddy. I'm 40 and still wear Docs!

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 20:28

plus, all men like long hair

that is just so not true!! some men do, not ALL.

My husband likes short spiky hair and isnt keen on long hair at all.

Original poster
wantstosleepnow · 19/01/2012 20:28

Shit!! I really thought I was right.

So he still finds me attractive, I just think I would be more attractive to him with long black hair. But I still can't get my head around not being happy with how I look, just so he can be happy.

OP posts:
YouCanDoItYesYouCan · 19/01/2012 20:29

Wtf, is this the 1950s or something?! I'd expect better from MN! Hmm

When I fancy someone it's only partly about appearance, a lot of it is to do with personality. Surely when you're married to someone your relationship is not just about appearance, keeping the same look until the end of your life, and conforming to your spouse's wishes?

You mentioned white/grey hair. Does he react negatively to signs of you ageing? I hope not because that would make him quite nasty.

Do what you want with your hair. Sounds like he has some kind of hair fetish, but that shouldn't restrict what you do.

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 20:30

It sounds a bit immature to be still experimenting when you are virtually grey.

Oi!! I have been grey since I was in my early 20's!!! Hmm..Grin .. not that many people really know other than my husband as I have it coloured and keep the fact very well hidden!

Bangtastic · 19/01/2012 20:31

Can you not have short black hair? Wink

Compromise is the key! For example DH hates having no facial hair, would happily grow a full Tom Hanks Castaway style beard if he could... I hate beards, so he has settled for a tidy stubbly look!

I know like your DH, that he hates short hair on women. So therefore I have never had mine cut shorter than a bob.

I want him to be attracted to me, and I want to be attracted to him.

Vain lot we are Wink

thebestisyettocome · 19/01/2012 20:32

Sorry squeakytoy. I actually like grey hair. The point I was making was that the OP is hardly a teenager any more Wink

YouCanDoItYesYouCan · 19/01/2012 20:32

OP - no no no! Of course you being happy with yourself is more important! If you only do what he likes, everything will get wonky.

Perhaps repost in Feminism section for slightly more modern/well-informed/girl power advice?!

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 20:33

Over the years I have had some great colours and cuts, and some experimental accidents.. my husband has never told me at the time that they looked dreadful.. he waits until I have changed it and then says something along the lines of "thank god for that.. I didnt like to say but it really didnt suit you"..

aldiwhore · 19/01/2012 20:34

If he's really saying he doesn't fancy you at all with a different cut then he's BU. If he's stating a preference but will still treat you with respect, still love you and not back off until your hair's grown, well, he's NBU, he's allowed to have a preference after all.

If you really don't care what he thinks, YABU. If you do, but also want to remain independant enough to try things in the knowledge that you'd prefer it if his preferences matched yours, then YANBU.

DH hated my hair when I had it cut short (and to be fair, I hated it too) but it didn't affect our relationship any deeper than stating a preference.

Original poster
wantstosleepnow · 19/01/2012 20:35

Haha I'm white haired through choice, I'm 26!! But I do hope I never grow out of it, and the bob looks surprisingly ok. But then I don't really
Like neat hair.

OP posts:
thebestisyettocome · 19/01/2012 20:35

'Sounds like he has some kind of hair fetish, but that shouldn't restrict what you do.'

My DH barely notices my hair but if I attempted to cut it into a bob myself he sure as hell would do.

Feminine · 19/01/2012 20:35

Its not grey hair anyway.

Its white or silver please :)

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/01/2012 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.