To not care what DH thinks of my appearance.

[wantstosleepnow]

This is a long running argument between DH and I.

I have changed hairstyles a few times since we met, when I had long jet black hair.

He hates short hair, and he doesn't like my hair colour(white, almost grey).
So although my hair isn't that short, I did cut it(myself) into a bob last week. He got a bit moody and said why would I do things to make myself deliberately unattractive to him.

The thing is I could never imagine myself not experimenting and trying new
Looks, it's part of what I do. And no, I don't really take into account what he thinks.

Should I?

Yes anyfucker that is the question I struggle with, why would he put his preferences over my happiness and confidence?

If he wanted to shave his head or wear makeup I might tell him I prefare it another way, but I wouldnt get moody or tell him he must care about me less for putting himself first.

We have been together for 9 yrs BTW, and in some ways we are not compatable, but in many other ways we are. This would not lead us to separating, it just causes tension.

I think that you look great.Tell mardy bum to get over himself.I was a student nurse in Northampton in the early 1970's.

You look lovely! And if it didn't suit I would honestly say (anonymity of the internet and all that). But you look absolutely fine, the hair suits you very well.

My partner prefers me with my hair very short, as in a few inches, but I've decided to grow it and it's getting to my chin now. He hasn't said anything so far. I think it's odd that choices with your hair makes you unattractive to him- a non-extreme hairstyle like that really shouldn't be having such a strong effect on him. It's not like your body and face radically changed or anything like that.

Hair is a pretty personal thing. You should be able to do what you want with it.

(Man joining this thread with trepidation.) Let's look at the roles reversed. My DW doesn't like beards or stubble atall_. So I shave every day; left to my own devices I probably wouldn't. I know that certain items of clothing I have she likes and others she doesn't (she tells me). I tend to wear the former much more than the latter. Have thrown stuff out that she doesn't like.

I also like some things she wears or does with her hair that I like and some I don't. I think she takes this into account. I try to compliment her when I like what she is wearing. I hope I have never said she's made her self unattracive when I don't like her hair/clothes - but I'm sure I've been tactless on occasion!

FWIW, wantstosleepnow, I like your hair in your Twitter picture.

OP - YABVVVU, and extremely short-sighted and selfish!

OPs DH finds her diy-hand cut bob unattractive

Sounds like he has some kind of hair fetish

yup - thats the well informed advice we are all missing

She's not being deliberatley unattatractive She changed her hair and he expressed that he didn't like it.

Now it's up to her if she keeps it or changes it.

My DP finds me attractive as a package, if I want to change my hair it's my choice, it's been long then short now long again and he liked them all. I prefer it when he doesn't shave his beard and when his hair is shorter but I don't have the right to dictate what he should do and I still fancy him either way.

I am staggered by all this man-pleasing through hairstyles. I've learned something new today as I had no idea so many women did this.

My DH has never asked me to have my hair a certain way. It'd be like saying I wasn't good enough as I was.

OP, what I find odd is that your DP seems to think that you have done this deliberately to upset him. It's totally weird. Is he manipulative in other ways?

Men trying to control their partners looks through their hairstyles and hair length? Weird. Is this some kind of Disney sexual fantasy stuff going on?

If you really hated beards, always had and made this point known and your OH grew a beard saying "I don't really take into account what she thinks" I think you'd be a bit miffed.

It wouldn't mean you have a chin fetish.

The "unattractive" comment from the DH was uncalled for but maybe he's just fed up of being married to someone who doesn't take his feelings or views into account and just dimisses them out of hand. That can't feel good.

AF just because you thin it is attractive doesn't have much bearing on whether he should. He might find a skinhead with tram lines more attractive.

But the fact that she did something she knew he didn't like is odd, especially if she doesn't care what he thinks.

As stated upthread surely the best relationships are those where both parties care about what the other thinks.

So the OP is BU in my view.

*think

Even though I believe my appearance is my choice, I still want to look attractive for my DH. His appearance is important to me too.

There is another thread on another topic atn where a DHis not listening to the wishes pf his wife in regards to his behaviour. Everyone is saying whilst she cannot dictate how he behaves it is very wrong that he is not willing to respect or consider her feelings.

This is the same. The haircut is irrelevant but not giving a toss about your partners views / feelings is not healthy in a relationship. Sure - you don't have to do everything to please them but you don't dismiss them out of hand. You should care what the other thinks.

Wow, gonna be honest, I have just looked at your photo and though your hair looks ok I can totally see that you would suit long black hair SO much better! I don't think you suit the short blonde hair that much. Sorry, but I am being honest, and blunt.

You are not talking about a small change that your DH has to like/dislike. You are talking about a massive change. Would you find him as attractive if he grew a MASSIVE beard? Honestly? Or dyed his hair blonde and grew it really long?

I thank YABVU and VU to then say he is not putting your happiness first when you clearly have no such care for him!!

Your hair looks great!

My husband never comments on my hair.. he never notices when I have it cut or dyed.. and I'm always changing the colour. He did say in passing about 11 years ago that he prefers it long, not as an instruction (he knows that wouldn't work), just as a comment.

It's MY hair. It happens to be long because I like it long and bright red because I like it bright red.. etc.. I like to feel attractive, but not for anyone else, for myself..

As some others have said, it is about give and take. No, a husband (or wife) should not 'control' how their partner looks. However, in a healthy relationship surely you want to make your partner happy and doing something that you know upsets them - just because you can - is not good. Just like ageingfop said, most men will try and look attractive for their partner as well. So, DH shaves for me when he wouldn't have to otherwise, and asks my opinion on his clothes. (He also let me throw out a whole load of embarrassing CDs when we first met, but that is a whole other thread...) I have not cut my hair short, as it was one of the things that attracted him to me and I know he loves it. That doesn't mean he would leave me if I did (although I suspect he would be at thevery least taken aback), or I have never had it restyled a bit....just that I have chosen not to partially because of his feelings. I don't think that is weird. It feels just fine to me. And (perhaps the most important point) it is reciprocated. If I wanted to only consider my own feelings all the time, then I wouldn't be in a long term relationship.

and I am not saying that as an older woman with no clue about style. I am saying that as another 20 something...

Also this is not about men pleasing as some of you are making out. This is about partner pleasing. Whether man or woman.

OP I assume you are making your photo available so that MNers can say how great you look so that your opinion about how unreasonable he is being is reinforced.

But that wasn't really the point of your post though. I am not sure he is putting his preferences over your happiness and confidence; he may have put it a bit bluntly but if it is not an attractive look to him is he not allowed to say so? Or is your confidence completely dependent on him always telling you how great you look in your various experimental hair styles?

and I am not saying that as an older woman with no clue about style. I am saying that as another 20 something

Are you insinuating anyone over the age of 30 has no clue about style MeltedChocolate? How charming if you are, if not perhaps rethink how that statement comes across.

Because he's trying to blame his wife for his wandering eye mouth, hands, penis :(

sorry that made sense when I typed it, old tab!

I am concerned about a man who suggests his wife is making herself 'deliberately unattractive'

i dont like dh with hair

or when he's really fat

i still love him, i#m not dictating - i have a preference.

he loved me when i was fat, he loves me now. He has stated he likes the thinner me. lwhich is fortunate becuase i do too.

im not altogether sure what is wrong with wanting to be attractive to your partner.

But your hair looks great! (And I am not just saying that because Northampton is my home town and I also have a short blonde bob...)
Some men have this weird thing about women keeping long hair- which can be nice when you are young but doesn't always suit when you get older and your face changes.
I used to have long black hair and also now have a short blonde bob. However, I also used to wear my hair in plaits, and that might look a bit weird now as well

"get moody or tell him he must care about me less for putting himself first."

oh that is quite different and is emotional bullying

he's a prick