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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not care what DH thinks of my appearance.

186 replies

wantstosleepnow · 19/01/2012 20:07

This is a long running argument between DH and I.

I have changed hairstyles a few times since we met, when I had long jet black hair.

He hates short hair, and he doesn't like my hair colour(white, almost grey).
So although my hair isn't that short, I did cut it(myself) into a bob last week. He got a bit moody and said why would I do things to make myself deliberately unattractive to him.

The thing is I could never imagine myself not experimenting and trying new
Looks, it's part of what I do. And no, I don't really take into account what he thinks.

Should I?

OP posts:
AWimbaWay · 19/01/2012 21:35

The photo is working, I can link if you like, or would you rather I didn't for privacy reasons?

rookiemater · 19/01/2012 21:39

No Bandofmothers I don't live in 1858, although quite frankly I'd happily grow my hair down to my waist if it meant I got to fanny around with poetry and embroidery and had servants and a nanny to look after the son and heir.

Dh loves me inside and out. I imagine if I was to gain a few stone he would still love me but find me aesthetically less pleasing. Ditto if I shaved my hair off or got it cut really short. If it were solely up to me I'd have my hair a bit shorter, but its not a big deal and its a very small thing to me to make DH that little bit more content. I don't think its Stepford, there are hosts of other things that I don't do that DH would like me to do - pair his socks, iron his shirts, be neater because these involve actual effort.

OnlyANinja · 19/01/2012 21:41

thebest you are looking at the wrong profile - take the S off the end.

In fact I'll just link it for you since nobody seems capable

OnlyANinja · 19/01/2012 21:42

I have not given away anything that has not already been said "I am holliejobber on twitter") so wouldn't consider that a privacy issue. Feel free to report the post and get it removed if you are bonkers think it is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2012 21:46

I like your hair too, OP, very Anne Heche... Grin

Original poster
wantstosleepnow · 19/01/2012 21:46

Oh I don't care that anyone knows my name. It's the wrong pic anyway, can't get it to load, will just put it on profile.

OP posts:
thebestisyettocome · 19/01/2012 21:49

I reckon if I cut my own hair I would make a right hash of it. The DH would walk in and immediately blurt out 'what the fuck have you done to your hair?' Then he would see my look of horror, panic and then try to back pedal by saying in an totally unconvincing fashion 'actually it's not that bad.' Then I would reply 'if it's not that bad why then why did you say "what the fuck have you done to your hair?"' Then he would panic so much he would be rendered speechless. Then I would feel a bit sorry for him and start to laugh (a bit). Then he would feel confident enough to try to compliment the haircut again which would make me cry and say 'how the fuck can I go out looking like this?' Then he would panic and make me a cup of tea. As he sorts out the brew I would look at my hair and think 'fuck it, it'll grow back' interspersed with feelings of 'I'm a freak.' Then he'd come back with a cup of tea and try to change the subject.

I know that doesn't help you OP, but I'm just wondering what that says about my relationship...

thebestisyettocome · 19/01/2012 21:52

Thanks OnlyaNinja Smile

OP, it's nice Smile

I agree with the feminists. Your DH is a nobber Grin

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 19/01/2012 22:01

YANBU.
I can't imagine getting stroppy with my wife over her haircut.
There's so much more important things, like the fact that I love her because she's wonderful.
Hair is even more transitory then all the other transitory things that people get themselves caught up on.

TwllBach · 19/01/2012 22:20

Pfff I gained five stone in the first year that I lived with DP and he still loved me and wouldn't have dreamt of calling me unattractive. I'm sure when he had dirty dreams about me he did so imagining me less five stone, but when it got down to it, he still loved my body and touched me no differently.

If he found me less attractive because of a hair cut I would be very upset and consider the fact that he may not be all I thought he was.

lurkinginthebackground · 19/01/2012 22:32

My dh has recently said why don't I grow my hair agian, I had it long for years. It is now in a trendy short bob. I'm keeping it short as I cannot be arsed to straighten long hair think it is makes me look better.
I do however take his advice on hair colour, well not really, no I just have it done whatever colour I like and take my hairdressers advice.
I would never cut my own hair though oh no.

EightiesChick · 19/01/2012 22:41

This is the worrying bit:

'He got a bit moody and said why would I do things to make myself deliberately unattractive to him.'

Yes, OP, you have the right to choose your own hairstyle. Your DH also has the right to like/not like it. However, he is behaving quite petulantly here and taking it very personally. That must be quite wearing.

Maryellenwalton · 19/01/2012 22:58

Of course it's creepy and controlling to try and stop your OH from cutting their own hair in the style they like.

I would certainly question my relationship if DH went moody because I had the temerity to change hairstyle. It wouldn't suggest the strongest foundations to our love. And I hope that we would always respect each other as individuals

Those who think it is ok to let your OH dictate how you look, how far would you take it? How about if he didn't like you wearing make-up, or trousers, or high heels etc etc.

At what point would you consider it controlling?

bobbledunk · 20/01/2012 00:33

YABU if you intend for your marriage to last.

You are purposely making yourself hideous to your husband and consider your 'experimentation' more important than him. You have no consideration at all for his feelings.

You are repulsing him and he's probably embarrassed to be seen in public with you.

That's your 'human rights'.

He also has human rights. Don't be suprised when he expresses his right to be with someone who cares, someone who wants to be desired by him and makes an effort, as soon as that person comes along you'll be upgraded because you don't care.

Then you will be back here complaining about that.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 20/01/2012 00:47

Moving swiftly one from that //\ post...! Grin

IMO, what your DH thinks of your appearance, and trying to achieve a look that he is attracted to is a red herring.

You're basically someone who's a bit experimental - whereas he seems to have very fixed ideas (many men will have a look they prefer, but not actually get all moody and withdrawn if their partner doesn't adhere to it).

I may be extrapolating hugely, but there seems to be a more fundamental incompatibility issue here.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 20/01/2012 00:57

This is a really frightening thread.

You honestly think she should not cut/dye her hair because her husband prefers a different way?????

Stepford indeed.

Kiwiinkits · 20/01/2012 01:18

Love the extreme points of view here... you can either be a stepford OR a feminist and never the twain shall meet. Cue mudslinging and name calling.

Of course you should take your DH's viewpoint into account (just like you would if one of your girlfriends said she hated it) but ultimately make your own decision about it. Do YOU like it? (I looked at the pic and I think the cut is really cute, personally). It's a bit strident/odd to say that you never take into account what he thinks... (and if that really is the case then I'd say you probably have deeper issues in your relationship, as everyone wants to be sexually attractive to their other half surely?) I'd be devastated if my husband started wearing a tie every day - he looks like an absolute dick when he wears a tie - and yes, I'd tell him he looks like a nob. I think he's HOT in the shirts he wears.

Kiwiinkits · 20/01/2012 01:19

I'd go over all moody if he got a tattoo, too. Very moody.

tallpoppies · 20/01/2012 01:21

bobbledunk
Why don't you get back to your crochet love?
For fuck's sake!

DandyLioness · 20/01/2012 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feminine · 20/01/2012 01:41

Unfashionable as it may seem, the most successful relationships I know, work because both couples take note of what the other finds attractive.

My Step-Mum has always had a hairstyle that my Dad enjoyed. In the 80's it was a perm and highlights Shock...now is a longish bob.

I asked her recently if she would style her hair differently, and she said "No, your Dad likes it like this" she was very happy to be making him happy.

I know its not popular to be of that mind-set but...its important not to knock the basics between man and woman (or partners) Sexual attraction should not be over-looked. Its what (imo) keeps relationships thriving.

I don't know what happens when a woman feels forced to look a certain way...I think thats sad, I also think it reflects the relationship must be lacking in other areas.

mary I take note of what my DH likes...I make an effort to look nice for him. If he were to suggest I chuck my make-up bag... I'd take no notice.

Whatmeworry · 20/01/2012 07:16

Unfashionable as it may seem, the most successful relationships I know, work because both couples take note of what the other finds attractive

What is astounding is that there is any argument with this.

How anyone can believe that deliberately being unattractive to your partner is a way forward to a happy relationship beggars belief.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2012 07:34

how does a woman have a hairstyle that her man "enjoys" Hmm

what a strange turn of phrase

WMW...have you seen OP's photo ? She has a cute chin length bob haircut...not a skinhead with tram lines. She looks smiley, happy and attractive. Why would her husband try to make her feel less so ?

That is the pertinenet question

Whatmeworry · 20/01/2012 08:22

WMW...have you seen OP's photo ? She has a cute chin length bob haircut...not a skinhead with tram lines. She looks smiley, happy and attractive. Why would her husband try to make her feel less so ?

You may find her totally gorgeous, but ultimately she's not married to you.

The more pertinent question IMO is why you think being deliberately unattractive to your partner is going to be a winning approach to relationship health.

porcamiseria · 20/01/2012 08:31

i think YABU

imagine is he grew a beard even tho you hate beards? no different IMO

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