To not care what DH thinks of my appearance.

[wantstosleepnow]

This is a long running argument between DH and I.

I have changed hairstyles a few times since we met, when I had long jet black hair.

He hates short hair, and he doesn't like my hair colour(white, almost grey).
So although my hair isn't that short, I did cut it(myself) into a bob last week. He got a bit moody and said why would I do things to make myself deliberately unattractive to him.

The thing is I could never imagine myself not experimenting and trying new
Looks, it's part of what I do. And no, I don't really take into account what he thinks.

Should I?

YANBU.

Have only skimmed the thread so somebody has probably already asked if your DH actually wants you to not only keep your hair long, but also to dye it from grey to jet black to please him?

YY yuleingfanjo. Surely any loving partner would want you to feel happy in yourself first and foremost. If you really didn't like the hairstyle your DP liked you to have what then? Put up with it to please your man? I just don't get it, gives me the creeps like nothing else to think of surrendering myself like that.

I was also really shocked to see the YABUs on here. The op actually said her DH goes into a sulk to punish her for changing her hairstyle and that's supposed to be healthy?!

LeQueen, what would you feel if your DH 'went all moody' if you didn't conform to what he wanted you to look like? Or if his attraction to you was dependent on a hairstyle?

I dont think partners should sulk etc if someone changes something about their appearance. The question the OP asked though is ' AIBU not to care what DH thinks about my appearance?' Well I do think that is unreasonable. If partners don't care about each others appearance I find that a bit weird. I would find it equally odd if someone sulked about a small change in someone's appearance, or tried to choose all their clothes.

I agree with lequeen in that I do take DH's views into account. But sometimes I over ride them. Frankly, his resistance to flip flops is futile. Ditto ballerina flats.

Yes- DH thinks I look sexy in high heels but hates the fact that I am taller than him in them. I still wear them though! I wouldn't cut my hair really short though as I know that would really hack him off and we have talked about it. I can take a pair of heels off after a few hours; hair will take years.

Oh- and if he ever grew a tache for anything other than short term comedy/ charity purpose then I would make it extremely clear my distaste. And I am fairly sure he would take action, as he would not be allowed near me with a bristly growth. I do care about his appearance and I do express it. Why shouldn't he do the same?

I do sometimes wonder why people come on to say what happens in their relationship

This isn't about your relationship

This is about what this poster's partner said to her

he said she was "deliberately making herself unattractive to him"

thus implying that if she persists in this silly independence about what the fuck she does with her own hair, he will think less of her

he then withdraws affection by sulking

ergo, he is using coercive and controlling behaviour over his partner's outward appearance, in order to make her do what he says

can some of you not see that ?

Its not about our relationships , you are right.

but...we only have our own experiences to compare to.

If we could only think from the ops angle...there would be no MN.

Many times posters pose questions, just to get a feel for other people and how they might deal.

Thinking perhaps, they might have come across a similar thing, themselves.

I have long hair I'm growing it until i get married next year. But my dh to be has never had an opinion about my hair. But he has told me he liked it when i used to dye it red i just cant be bothered to keep doing it and i think i look better with brown hair he has never pushed me into changing my appearance. If he found me unattractive i'd be very hurt tho. But no YANBU

The OPs DH does sound like a controlling idiot. He is clearly unreasonable and an asshat

The OP is not unreasonable to have her hair the way she wants it.

However not giving any consideration to your partners opinions and feelings is unreasonable. You dont have to agree with on them or act on them but you should consider them. To dismiss them out of hand is unreasonable.

The OPs DH does sound like a controlling idiot. He is clearly unreasonable and an asshat

the Op's partner's "right" to consideration of his feelings over those of the person in actual ownership of said hair is forfeited after that last sentence

There is consideration to another's feelings- yes, and then there is allowing somone else to dictate your appearance. What would happen if (G-d forbid) you lost your hair through chemo, or put on a lot of weight due to a health condition?

My ex used to say he liked my hair llong- but as my hair needs washing everyday and is curly and knotty- for the sake of my sanity I prefer it shorter. Similarly when he grew a beard, I wasn't wild about it- but I still fancied the arse off him.
And I agree with the poster upthread- how utterly fucking depressing on a talkboard for weomen to find women over 40 criticsed for wanting to still experiment with their hairstyle. Jesus.

Yes - in this case af I agree

But in general - in a happy, healthy relationship you would hope people would give some consideration to the views / feelings of thier partner.

The OP sadly isn't (from the sounds of it) in that sort of a relationship :(

but we are not talking generalities are we ?

perhaps I answer threads differently to everyone else ? I make reference to what is actually being said by the OP....

if I went on about what went on in my own relationship as a comparison to a lot of these threads, I would expect the Op to get a bit pissed off

can you see what I am saying ?

I suspect we are coming to a confluence of our points here, actually

You don't have to consider all of your partners feelings. Not the ones that don't matter.

I do - totally. I was talking in generalities which is of little help to the OP.

Her situation sounds different to most peoples.

Sorry

paranoid - dont presume that if i disagree with ny dh's views it makes them unimportant - that would make me an asshat

and i do consider our mutual attraction important and worth some nuturing

I wasn't presuming any such thing. My opinion is that it is the subject matter that makes them unimportant, not the preference. People have a million feelings every day, we don't have to share them all and have them independently validated.

catgirl, it looks like I was targeting you

I wasn't really

you were just the only one answering me but not the only one I was referring to originally

and I take the point, that for the OP, and also for the lurkers, seeing an illustration of what happens in other relationships can sometimes give that lightbulb moment

perhaps I should talk about my husband more ? It's not my style though.

he has a beard at the moment

I haven't been drinking gin, that was meant to be a

For the few that have complained about my 20 something comment - by older I was thinking of my gran. I am one of the only people to say 'actually, I think your hair doesn't look that good' and I didn't want OP to read it thinking 'oh well, one old, stuck in her ways gran with no clue about fashion.' Since when do you consider anyone between 30 and retirement age old??

For those of you that are saying YANBU and that it is horrible to say 'I prefer you slimmer/ with shorter hair' surely that says something about how comfortable and confident YOU are and how little honesty is allowed in your own relationships? Other people are secure enough in their relationships to know that their DP/H still loves them even if they have a physical preference.