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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not care what DH thinks of my appearance.

186 replies

wantstosleepnow · 19/01/2012 20:07

This is a long running argument between DH and I.

I have changed hairstyles a few times since we met, when I had long jet black hair.

He hates short hair, and he doesn't like my hair colour(white, almost grey).
So although my hair isn't that short, I did cut it(myself) into a bob last week. He got a bit moody and said why would I do things to make myself deliberately unattractive to him.

The thing is I could never imagine myself not experimenting and trying new
Looks, it's part of what I do. And no, I don't really take into account what he thinks.

Should I?

OP posts:
MardyArsedMidlander · 20/01/2012 12:28

Oh, and FUCK THIS whole 'You are over 40 so should stick with one hairstyle now'. I am over forty and still like to change my look now and again.
And if that's immature- KNICKERS to you.

Craparinha · 20/01/2012 12:30

Have an opinion, fine.

But men who get seriously moody and say they no longer find you attractive because of a bloody haircut - controlling fuckwits

sherbetpips · 20/01/2012 12:32

I am in the 'make an effort for your partner' camp. I would hate to think that something I was deliberatley doing was making him unnattracted to me. Not that it stops me putting on weight of course but he isnt a string bean either!

Original poster
wantstosleepnow · 20/01/2012 12:37

I do make an effort for him to find me attractive, if we go out together I will wear something I know he likes.

But changing my whole style for him is something I can't get to grips with.

And I put the photo up as some people were questioning if a DIY bob can ever look ok. Grin

OP posts:
ebbandflow · 20/01/2012 12:42

Slightly off topic, but I remember years ago this women telling me that some men like women to have long hair so they can wrap it round their doodahs! I so hope that is not true. Shock

Goldrill · 20/01/2012 12:45

I took my nose ring out after about 5 years with XP, mostly because he didn't like it. Just before we split up, I put a small stud back in. He was absolutely adamant I was just doing it to upset him. I realised I was doing it because I had been bloody stupid to take it out in the first place: I had been depressed and lost my sense of "me". He also firmly believed that he was at the centre of every decision I made about everything and that I would do something lke that just to get at him - which I found quite demeaning tbh.

It wasn't his fault: I really should have stood my ground at the time and not let him think it was his position to dictate what I looked like. If I had been more together at the time, I would happily have switched to a smaller stud which he would have found less offensive and I would still have liked.

It would be a cold day in hell before current DP would behave like that - and that is why I will marry this one! We have DD and I have changed shape a fair bit - I have wondered what XP would make of that and don't think he'd have been very impressed. Attitudes like that affect your whole relationship.

OP - your hair is lovely and I wish I was pretty enough to wear mine short like that. Tell your fella to get over himself!

Deux · 20/01/2012 13:03

This is such an interesting thread. I understand the give and take thing and wanting to be attractive to a partner but there was a thread here recently where a poster's DP said they would like her to be less fat.

There were lots of posts along the lines of he's a controlling twat, ditch him.

Why is it OK to have a hairstyle to please one's partner but not lose weight?

Those who wear their hair how their partner likes even though they would do something different if left to their own devices, if your partner said you were fat and he preferred you slimmer, would you lose weight?

Just curious.

TheParanoidAndroid · 20/01/2012 14:14

Fucking hell, some of the responses here are unreal. The idea that you should let your partner control how you look...because you should want to please him and make sure you always fit his idea of sexual attractiveness....are you surrendered wives or something?

WoTmania · 20/01/2012 14:24

I think there's a big difference between saying 'hmmm, I'm not so keen on that haircut' and what the OP's DH is saying which is 'you've deliberately gone and made yourself unattractive to me' the assumption is that she's thought out how to upset him and telling her he doesn't find her attractive is not on.

If they have DC and she puts on weight and finds it hard to shift it will he be equaly charming?

yellowraincoat · 20/01/2012 14:28

Sounds a bit weird. I know that my partner prefers me with brown hair, but I have it bleach blonde sometimes. It's not as if he thinks it's unattractive, he just prefers it a different way.

To be honest, I can't imagine that anything I did to myself would make me unattractive to him. Part of that is that he fancies me, part of it is that we have similar ideas of what is attractive I guess.

If I wanted my hair a certain way, I can't imagine him calling me unattractive.

notyummy · 20/01/2012 14:31

It's not about control. I choose my own clothes, using my own money and often vary my style. I think what a lot of people on here are saying is that they wouldn't choose a style that their partner actively disliked. If you are with a controlling git who wants to choose all your clothes etc that is completely out if order. If, on the other hand there is one thing about your appearance that your partner likes, then I think that us fine for them to tell you that and for you to consider it. And don't talk the surrendered wife bollocks- loads of people have said that consideration in a relationship works both ways. If you knew me, you would know that I am about as far from a surrendered wife as you can get. DH and I both consider each others preferences and wishes because that's how a mature relationship should work. Not all this 'I'll do exactly what I want ALL the time.' Why be in a long term relationship if you have absolutely no thought for your partners opinions?

EightiesChick · 20/01/2012 14:38

What WoTmum said above. It's the taking it as a personal insult and done deliberately to spite him, rather than expressing a preference as he is entitled to do (as long as politely done), that's the problem.

Have only just noticed that in the OP it starts 'This is a long-running argument', which suggests that this is about more thna just one haircut and a one-off arsy reaction. How long has this gone on for, OP, and how many things have got this reaction over that time?

Flowerface · 20/01/2012 14:40

I find all this pretty unbelievable, to tell the truth.

And quite amazing that people think it's OK for their DH to tell them they look like crap because they'd tell him the same... The fact is that women have historically been (and still are) judged, abused and made insecure about their looks in ways that men are not. It's not the same, sorry.

giveitago · 20/01/2012 14:46

My dh when I met him, wanted me to show of my figure more. My retaliation was that if he wanted me to show off my figure more he might dress like fecking val doonigan (he never knew who he was as he is from overseas).

17 years on he still dresses in a way that makes me cringe but that's his style problem but I also still dress in a way to cover my body which is my thing. And that's it. We do have problems in our marriage but they are not do with how we present ourselves in public with each other. I used to have piercings which is something he'd find bonkers. If I put them back in it would make little difference to how he feels about me because our differences are about other things. I still hate the way he dresses sometimes but I fully defend the way he wants to look. It's his look, not mine and we're not joined at the hip.

catgirl1976 · 20/01/2012 14:46

I agree the OPs OH sounds controlling and that's an issue.

But in general there is nothing wrong with your partner telling you they don't like a haircut or that a dress doesn't suit you or that you have put on a bit of weight and they prefer it when you are a bit thinner.

It's only an issue if they try to enforce that view, or there is some implication they wouldn't love you if you didn't comply.

On the other hand if you do know your partner has strong feelings about a certain issue and then just say "I don't care I will do xx anyway" it does seem a little dismissive and disrespectful whether they are male or female. And I do think it is odd anyone would do something they know their OH would find realy unattractive as most people WANT their OH to find them attractive.

notyummy · 20/01/2012 14:51

Catgirl says what I think - and says it much better than I did! Hear, hear.

Nineflowers · 20/01/2012 14:53

Nah, it's none of his business what you look like, OP. I've never given my husband's opinions the slightest regard. I wish he'd lose 2 stone and not have 70s hair, but I doubt he gives a bugger what I think, either. And we've been together (on and off) since 1980.

TheParanoidAndroid · 20/01/2012 15:09

I think theres quite a lot wrong with a partner telling you "they prefer it when you are a bit thinner". It's shallow, its insulting, and its harmful.
Telling you they prefer the red dress over the blue dress is one thing. Telling you that they prefer you change your body shape is quite another.

catgirl1976 · 20/01/2012 15:15

I dont. People have preferences. No problem with my DH stating his as long as he doesnt expect to enforce them. FWIW, I have on 4 stone whilst pg and 2 remain and he has not made a comment, but if he did say "I prefer it when you are thinner" I would not take offence. I am secure enough in myself and our relationship for that not to be an issue.

In a controlling relationship comments like that could be harmful but not in a happy one

I like that he will tell me I look beautiful but will also say "that dress doesnt suit you" if it doesnt.

gettingagrip · 20/01/2012 15:17

Not read whole thread but cripes......

at what age do we have to stop experimenting with our appearance? 30? 40?

And are women with grey hair not allowed to be stylish?

And this...

'and I am not saying that as an older woman with no clue about style. I am saying that as another 20 something'

In am mid-fifties and change my hairstyle every time I go to the hairdresser.

I know that middle-aged women are supposed to be invisible, but I didn't know we were not allowed to have fun with fashion etc any more.

Bloody Hell...how depressing.

OrmIrian · 20/01/2012 15:20

He honestly thinks you are unnattractive because of a haircut? Really?

I think he sounds unbeleivably shallow.

YuleingFanjo · 20/01/2012 15:22

personally I would put finding myself attractive over the needs of my husband finding me attractive. If a haircut really makes that much difference to him then he sounds like a dick.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/01/2012 15:28

I am astounded at the amount of YABU on here

YANBU to do what the fuck you want with your hair or any other part of your body.

My OH wouldnt dream of taking the hump if I cut my hair or whatever. Probably because I would tell him to go stick his bollocks in a blender if he did.

No one tells me how to do my hair or what to wear.

My OH can do whatever he wants to himself and I wouldnt dictate to him either.

The thought of a man sulking because his partner dares cut her hair and people agreeing with him is disturbing.

If you told me you had decided not to wash I would tell YABU but cutting your hair? Is this the 1950s?

Deux · 20/01/2012 15:34

Mrs DeVere

Very well put. I've found this thread quite disturbing as I had no idea that people would say YABU.

My DH is the same as yours. I hate my DH's sloppy cardigan but he likes it and I'd never dream of expecting him not to wear it. It's not like I'm wearing it.

Then again, I don't really get this whole 'gotta please my man' thing either.

notyummy · 20/01/2012 15:42

You see, I don't think clothes are the same as hair/body as you don't wear the same items of clothing all the time. Both DH and I have items of clothing that we are not too keen on each other in, but we wouldn't ban each other wearing them. Hair/body is a bit different as that is how you look the entire time. I wouldn't like it if DH put on loads of weight. I would love him, but I would find him unattractive tbh. And I am almost certain he would feel the same about me. For that reason, and many others (like health/self esteem etc) we both exercise and don't eat too much crap. But it's not like he would suddenly start making rude comments if I put on a few pounds. I find it bizarre that partners would be so uninterested in each other physical appearance. It's like you are living with mates, not sexual partners. I have been with DH for 13 years but I still want him to look the best he can (not every minute of every day) and I want to look good for him too.