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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

187 replies

ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:23

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 12/01/2012 23:25

i don't think you can judge how it feels at all unless you find yourself in that position

MixedBerries · 12/01/2012 23:27

You sound like a normal person with normal concerns to me.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2012 23:27

No, it just makes you honest.

You may not want a 'perfect' baby (whatever the hell that is) but you're saying you couldn't/are not cut out to care for a severely disabled child and adult.

Not everyone is cut out for that.

runningwilde · 12/01/2012 23:27

Oh love, of course it doesn't mean that! Please don't think too much into this and feel bad for the way you feel. Try to put what that woman said out of your mind and concentrate on ttc as it is a special time trying for a baby.

X

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 12/01/2012 23:27

I know how horrendously this is going to end, so I'm going to say I agree with your POV before I feel too intimidated to.
It has nothing to do with whether you should or should not be a mother.

Tooblunt2012 · 12/01/2012 23:28

I don't think it means you shouldn't become a mother at all. The situation you describe is a terrible one for anyone up find themselves in and no-one knows what they'd do if it arose for them. Good luck with however you proceed and I also think well done for being so honest - as that's brave to share.

Original poster
ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:29

But does that mean I shouldn't become a mother, worra? Not everyone is cut out for that, either.

Also in my OP it should've said 'a big ask that an individual woman could decide she is not up to' not should Blush

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 12/01/2012 23:30

Is there more to this? I can't see that one conversation with a colleague can make you think you aren't suitable for motherhood.

Quodlibet · 12/01/2012 23:30

I don't know if this perspective will help OP, but my own mum admitted to me years ago that she was scared when pregnant as she felt as you do.

She is a brilliant mother. Not a selfish bone in her body. I don't think the two equate.

Original poster
ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:30

wilde interestingly the colleague was a childless man, which I think influenced how I responded to him, as secretly I think he meant mums should be prepared to give up everything, not parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:31

Kiss this was one of several reasons, the others being a dislike of drs/ medicine/ invasive procedures, the fact that I have a career I have put my heart and soul into also.

OP posts:
salmonskinroll · 12/01/2012 23:33

Personally, I think I would do the same, but then I've seen someone very close to me go through it (not terminate) and it's soul destroying to see how her life has turned out - this is NOT the case for all, but seeing her has really put me off having children.

It wasn't that woman's place to judge you on that and to tell you, you aren't cut out for it.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2012 23:34

But does that mean I shouldn't become a mother, worra? Not everyone is cut out for that, either

That is an entirely different question to the one you're asking.

No-one knows whether they're 'cut out' to be a mother until they become one.

But you'd have a pretty good idea that you're not cut out to raise a severely disabled child/person who will never become independent of you.

DeWe · 12/01/2012 23:35

No, I don't think you're selfish. But it may depend slightly on what your definition of "severely disabled" is. From what you say, you're talking about serious long term 24/7 care, not "my child isn't perfect" which some people mean by that.

I'm coming from the position that on the scan dd2 was found to be missing a hand. At no point was termination discussed, in my opinion rightly so as she has full quality of life etc. Personally I wouldn't have done it with severely disabled either, but I accept that's my decision.

However, now knowing other children with the same condition, I am amazed at the number of people that are offered termination. We were lucky in we had a very knowledgeable hospital who knew the facts, but I've come across people who were told that the missing limb was a soft marker for more severe conditions and their child would almost certainly be severely disabled. The actual figure is over 90% of children with a missing limb that is all there is wrong, nothing more at all.

I do feel angry at the number of people who probably have aborted due to the wrong information they have been told at what is a very emotional and terbulant time. Angry

Although in some ways the saddest case for me was a baby who was adopted because the parents didn't know at the scan and took one look at birth and left the baby. She was the most adorable bundle of giggles, and I can't imagine a parent doing that when they had their newborn in front of them. Sad

CailinDana · 12/01/2012 23:35

Like others have said, I think you have perfectly legitimate concerns. The thing is, you're thinking about a hypothetical baby in an abstract context - it's very easy to have strong opinions in that situation. It's very hard to imagine what it's like to actually have and love a child before it happens, and it can seem like it's too much of a challenge when you're thinking about it in advance. You can't know how you'd really react if you were faced with that situation in real life.

Everyone has fears and doubts before they have children - it's normal. But do remember if you really don't want to have children, then that's a valid choice too and you shouldn't feel pushed into it by anyone.

DeWe · 12/01/2012 23:36

Sorry, I meant to say that it sounds like you've considered motherhood very seriously, so are probably going to be a great mother!

imaginethat · 12/01/2012 23:36

Why in god's name would you care for the opinion of a childless man regarding your suitability for parenthood? Clearly his mouth works a lot faster than his brain.

You are you and frankly the fact that you have considered the possibility of having a disabled child and your ability to cope indicates you are mature and sensible, and therefore v. likely to be a good parent.

northcountrygirl · 12/01/2012 23:38

You're not at all abnormal screech. Abortions wouldn't be offered in this situation if everyone flat out refused them would they?

FWIW I have 3 children and think I'm a good mother, but to be perfectly honest I do share your view. I honestly don't think I would cope well with that situation either.

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/01/2012 23:38

So if you take the small risk of disability out of the equation you are still not sure if you want to be a mother? Have you discussed things with your partner? I think a few doubts is perfectly normal but are they balanced with some thoughts of how lovely it would be to hold a baby/teach a child things?

JetteOoo · 12/01/2012 23:39

Screetch, you sound really upset. That means something.

BubbleBobble · 12/01/2012 23:42

Not being able to imagine yourself able to care for a severely disabled child does NOT equate to being cut out to be a mother. I had a termination when it was confirmed the baby had Downs. I was in my early twenties and my partner and I just knew we couldn't knowingly take on a disabled child.

We have gone on to have DS and I love being his mum. I would do anything for him if god forbid, something happened to make him disabled because he is here and I love him. That's the difference, I think.

I'm leaving this thread before I inevitably get jumped on or told to justify my reasonings, because quite frankly, that's my business and no-one else's. I just wanted the OP to hear my experience,

skybluepearl · 12/01/2012 23:43

As someone without children you have no idea of the amazing emotional connection between a mother and a baby/child. The stregnth of feeling is mind blowing and will make you walk a million miles happily

Original poster
ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:43

Thanks north and others.

Just to clarify, what I am asking is, if you feel like you would not deal with a very disabled DC, does that per se make you too selfish for motherhood.

imagine I guess I didn't care for his opinion so much as secretly feared he was right.

De thanks for sharing :) I agree I would not consider a child missing a hand to be severely disabled, nor a blind or deaf child. I meant more like a child with severe SEN or a degenerative condition that meant they had to have 24/7 care or a parent give up work. That's the thing I fear I couldn't do.

OP posts:
spiderslegs · 12/01/2012 23:44

Screech we all have many hypothetical conversations about things that may happen but have not yet happened. Just because we reach a hypothetical conclusion, it has no bearing on life, real or imagined.

Have your babies, enjoy & love them, however they may come to you.

(& you will).

bugsylugs · 12/01/2012 23:45

Your friend is obviously anti choice. I am very pro choice and do not think that makes you a bad mother / parent. Having a baby will change your priorities in ways you cannot predict. I would not be without my career it gives me joy to help people, fulfillment and our family security and stability . But it has become less important. I think it was a harsh thing for your 'friend' to say and very judgemental. I think it takes a special person to do as she suggests until we are in that position we cannot predict whether how well we will step upto the mark. Her comments should not be a factor in your decision on whether to try and have a baby.

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