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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

187 replies

ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:23

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

OP posts:
BubbleBobble · 12/01/2012 23:45

Argh, ok. Grammar went away. I meant not being able to imagine yourself caring for a disabled child does NOT equate to NOT being cut out to be a mother. Oh, for a 30 second edit feature after posting...

southeastastra · 12/01/2012 23:46

you do sound a bit self absorbed op

Original poster
ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:46

jette I don't actually consciously feel upset, it just feels like such a big plunge. Might be relevant that my younger sis was gravely ill when I was a small child (initial terminal diagnosis, turned out not to be) and whilst it was 'okay' because she recovered and my parents resumed their lives, I do not think I could cope with a life like that, constant overnight stays in hospital, serious incontinence, having to inject your child all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScreechOwl · 12/01/2012 23:47

south - why genuinely? because I am posting at length about my own feelings you mean? or because I woudln't want to give up work?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 23:50

I dont think you are selfish and that you shouldnt become a mother.

The problem I have with "i would abort" is that alot of severe disabilities are not able to be diagnosed pre-birth. In the case of cerebal palsy, which my son has, it often doesnt happen until birth, so you dont get a choice. It bothers me because many people dont consider that type of disability when they are deciding to ttc and what they would do if a disability was dx. The same goes for autisic disorders, behavioural disoders and mental health problems (yes, kids get those too!)

You do cope when you find out your child has a disability that will mean they need 24/7 care for the rest of their life. Why? Because you love them, and thats when you find that actually, you can and do cope very well.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 23:53

south she hasnt been through pg and birth yet, it changes your view of the world, give her a break.

OP, I dont mean that to sound patronising but if you have a baby and everything is fine (which I am sure it will be) then you will see the world differently. You will understand why parents sign over the rest of their natural lives to the care of a severely disabled child.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 23:54

I should add that you as you are now, couldnt cope with what having a disabled child would mean. But you as a mother, .... she is a different woman, who knows what she can cope with?

southeastastra · 12/01/2012 23:55

i know hence it seems self absorbed. if you are unsure don't do it

maddening · 12/01/2012 23:57

your colleague was bu to say that to you

peggyblackett · 12/01/2012 23:58

What bogeyface said :).

My dd1 is profoundly disabled - you couldn't pick up her disability on a scan. I am now pg with dc3, and I work FT still. Sometimes it is really tough, so I won't lie, but we (DH and I) find a way through, as we love our dcs. Having a severely disabled dc doesn't have to become a life sentence for you as a parent.

I would never judge someone who chooses to terminate either.

Original poster
ScreechOwl · 13/01/2012 00:00

maddening yeah I think colleague was a dick, but doesn't mean he was wrong necessarily.

bogey thanks :) I guess I worry I just wouldn't make that shift - or - that I don't want to somehow Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
ScreechOwl · 13/01/2012 00:01

thanks peggy, I am glad for you :) Hope that doesn't sound patronising.

OP posts:
housemovehell · 13/01/2012 00:01

Jeez doesn't everyone have some doubts sea? I never doubted I wanted children, I did doubt my own ability as a parent (turns out I am bloody great - in my opinion). I could not say for certain that I would not choose to terminate in the circs the op describes, few people could say for certain unless they have been there.

Bogeyface · 13/01/2012 00:02

Thinking a bit more.

If the idea of a diagnosis of a severe disability (after birth rather than before) is enough to put you off ttc, then perhaps you arent ready yet. When you accept that as a risk of having a baby (along with miscarriage, still birth, birth injury or trauma to and/or the baby, a/pnd) then you are ready :)

bugsylugs · 13/01/2012 00:02

Bogey she already said and acknowledge that disability can occur at and after birth and has thought about it. For what it is worth I would not knowingly bring a severely disabled child into this world but would cope if ended up in that situation. It does not mean I do not respect their lives or the great their families do or the importance of every individual's life.

peggyblackett · 13/01/2012 00:03

Nope it doesn't screech.

I do find it very tough/sad sometimes, but we are lucky in lots of ways and I focus on that as much as poss.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

DarklyDexterish · 13/01/2012 00:05

Every parents fear is that their newborn is going to be 'less than perfect' - its a risk that every woman takes when she plans a baby/ gets pregnant. The vast majority of pregnancies result in a healthy baby but some don't.

I wouldn't be weighing the what ifs against trying to have a baby, I would be trying to conceive and hoping that all would be OK

I have 6 DC and have only had an issue with one DS who had me terrified from my 20 week scan when talipes was picked up. They told me that his club foot might be indicative of Downs, Edwards or Pataus syndrome - I went for an in depth scan were I was told that baby had no facial or genital abnormalities so the likelihood was that he didn't have a syndrome and his club foot was 'just one of those things'

I was offered karyotyping (and thereafter a termination) if the baby was positive for any of the above mentioned syndromes which I declined because I was prepared to deal with a child who was not compatible with life as he was my child and he deserved the chance to be born ..... DS was born with a club foot which needed sorting but no other problems

OP stop stressing over something that might happen, its unlikely to happen and so what if it does - you will learn to deal with it

Bogeyface · 13/01/2012 00:06

No one wants to Screech! I would be a liar if I said I was happy that he has his CP. BUT...he has it, and it has made him the man he is and I am proud of that man. BUT....he has it and I coped, as a single mum for a while too. BUT....he has it, and if I had been so worried about it happening again then I wouldnt have had my 5 other children.

Thats not to say I havent watched their development like hawks, of course I have, but thats because I didnt want them to go through what he went through, not because of how hard it would be for me.

Of course you dont want to, but should the worst happen then you will realise that what you were frightened of isnt the issue. You will be that childs mother and that changes everything.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 13/01/2012 00:09

I don't think anyone is 'cut out' for raising a severely disabled child who will never be independent of you.

But it just happens to some of us and it's your child and so you get on with it.

I wasn't some saintly maternal person before I had DD.

I wouldn't base any decisions on what you think you'd feel, before it happened. It's not that likely tocand if it did you probably wouldn't react how you had predicted.I love my DD to bits and she isn't some awful life-sapping drain.

Original poster
ScreechOwl · 13/01/2012 00:11

5 other children - wow!!! You deserve a medal just for that. No, I see what you mean, I think I worded my earlier post badly. It is a hard feeling to put across.

Once my mum said to me, 'I never wanted children and then you came along and nothing else mattered'.

I guess I can't imagine 'nothing mattering' anymore. Does that make sense? But maybe that is just because I am not a mum yet and it will just magically happen!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 13/01/2012 00:12

Pretty sad to read that lots of people think of children with, I quote 'severe SEN' to be such a hideous prospect, my DD is full of joy and happiness

bobbledunk · 13/01/2012 00:13

It's stupid when people claim that if you wouldn't be happy with a severely disabled child then you shouldn't be a parent. You could be a great parent to a normal child and just not cut out for dealing with the level of care and commitment that a disabled one needs.

Life with a normal child is completely different to what it would be with a severely disabled one. That is not to belittle a disabled child's worth as a human being, it is just silly to expect it not to be a lot harder and much more stressful which many people may find more than they can reasonably cope with. Parent's of such children often don't get anywhere near enough the amount of help they need for a happy life. (not to mention the agony of watching a child suffer, I get horribly distressed when my baby is crying in pain or discomfort, couldn't imagine watching lo in a situation as described in your postSad.

Don't deprive yourself of parenthood because of something your twerp of a colleague says. He obviously has issues of his own and is projecting in bitterness and judgement toward you.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 13/01/2012 00:14

My DD is not abnormal, thanks

Original poster
ScreechOwl · 13/01/2012 00:15

Fanjo I'm sorry if I've hurt/ saddened you, I really didn't want to do that but I know there was a risk starting a thread like this. I do not consider SEN of any severity to be hideous at all, I think what I am concerned about is needs of any kind that would prevent a child's being independent of me at some point.

OP posts:
bemybebe · 13/01/2012 00:15

OP

From personal experience it is amazing what we can cope with once we are faced with the situation in real life. One finds strength, patience, perseverance and determination to do what they consider to be right.

From personal experience, it is also bloody hard at times and I would never ever judge a person regarding the choices they made, provided they are made responsibly and in accordance with the law (sorry it i sound too dramatic).

The problem with your OP is that you are trying to apply a purely hypothetical situation onto yourself as you think/feel today and this is just not fair on you.