To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

[ScreechOwl]

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

viewpoints are fine, just sensitive wording is helpful, is all

To be honest before they have children most people (that I know anyway) are too selfish to have children. It changes slowly while you are pregnant and then after the child arrives and is so demanding and restricting but you don't care because you adore them so much.

Your views on aborting a foetus with a serious disability probably suggest you are more realistic than many about how much you can give to motherhood.

Also your view of your career is exactly how I felt when pregnant (a child would add to your life but not become it). At the moment my kids have rather become my life but now the youngest is no longer a baby I am starting to reclaim many aspects of my life (exercising, socialising and studying more) and have kept my options open on my career which I'm hoping to resume when oldest starts school. Other people find good childcare and go back to work after relatively short mat. leave. I couldn't do that in the end but nothing wrong with it if you can.

My apologies.

Accepted :)

see Boomerwang..there is a much nicer way to act than "if we all had the same viewpoints this thread would be easy reading"

I don't mind people discussing and posting about this and asking questions but I think we should be warned. If you had said in your title I could have hidden this thread.

I am obviously aware people do abort for problems such as my DD2 but as we are only at diagnosis stage and learning about what to expect longterm with her things are very raw.

Of course whenever you have a baby there is a (very small) risk that your child will be born severely disabled from problems that were impossible to foresee. And you will either find that you do cope after all, because RL is different from anticipation, or you will find that you don't cope.

But then you already have a dh: there is also a small risk that he will have a accident or illness that will render him dependent on you. Happens every day. In which case you will either cope or not cope. You may end up resenting him or you may not. Has that thought stopped you from entering a relationship?

My DS has AS - which is probably not the kind of disability you're thinking of, but at this point in time I hope he will be independent, but I don't really know. He'll definitely needs more support than my DD and will do for longer as well.

I've had to give up a career I loved and put a long time into training for because it just wasn't compatible with my DC...

I never at any point decided I was cut out for anything and I'm definitely not some sort of extra wonderful caring person. It's never even occurred to me to question whether I'm cut out for it or not, because he was there and he's my (5ft 11, 15 yr old admittedly, lol) baby.

He is and has been harder work than my DD and we've had to do SALT and OT, he's had a ridiculous amount of medical appointments and assessments and at one point I could have lived at his school and no-one would have noticed because I was there so much...it's not something you really think about from the point of view of can I do this? In the same way that you don't question whether you can cope with a baby that's not sleeping, you just do it and mostly you cope and sometimes you don't, lol

Moomin thanks for that. I'm so sorry for what you must have been through but it is helpful to hear it. I guess hormones and love and everything just takes over and you feel in a way you can't imagine feeling preDC.

pants I am sorry and will bear that in mind. I actually didn't put those terms in the title as I wanted this to be a civilised thread and not attract rantiness but I see that that might've led to people clicking on it who didn't want to read it and then getting sucked in. Pls do hide/ ignore it if unhelpful and maybe also if you come back to it later you will see that lots of people on here have disabled dc and are still managing well - does that help?

ghoul thanks - yes, it is the work thing as much as anything - I have trained to do my job with 8 yrs at university and love it, and am the primary breadwinner in our household. I think one of the things I fear most about motherhood is jeopardising that and I do already know that if/when I have DC they will have to go to nursery.

I also think that my view of disability is clouded by having had a gravely ill sibling and seeing my parents cope with that, that is my view of caring but obviously it is much different having a child who has effectively been handed a death sentence than a child who has additional challenges in their life iyswim.

OP -"That is the thing that bugs me, as my career is my life now, and I always thought a DC would be part of my life but not become my life iyswim."

Perhaps others would disagree but I think your feelings towards your career will change if/when you have DC. Not that it won't still be important to you just not the be all and end all. It's not a bad thing.

It sounds like such a cliche but for the vast majority of mothers, and often fathers too, career does start to become less important once children come along. That doesn't mean every mother thinks about giving up their career, it just means that it becomes less of a focus.

Remember that you're thinking in hypotheticals. Imagining what being a parent is like is very difficult. When you are actually pregnant and then you're holding a tiny baby in your arms everything changes. It's no longer "a baby" it's your son or daughter, a little person to whom you are the entire world. You feel attached to them in a way that's very hard to explain. I know for me, I hate being away from my DS it's almost like a physical ache that is only made better by seeing him and kissing and smelling him again. I would feel that for any child of mine, regardless of whether they had a disability or not.

I had an abortion for personal reasons (I was in an abusive relationship with the father - now my ex, thankfully).

Also we had a scare when I was pregnant with DS, he had a high risk of Downs. We had tests done, and if he'd had Downs there's a very good chance I would have gone for another termination.

I am now a brilliant mother to a lovely little boy.

Now you may not agree with my first two choices, but do they have any bearing on my ability to be a good mother to DS? None whatsoever.

In your case OP, it's hypothetical! I'm sure you'll be a great mum.

Good luck with ttc :)

TBH I think the fact that you've had to think about it so long probably means you shouldn't- if you really wanted children you'd have known from at least early adulthood. I have unorthodox opinions on this though (e.g. I think teenage mothers are often better at mothering than women who weren't sure they wanted kids until they were 35 as is the current fashion, because I think they are better at adapting to childrens' needs and less trying to use children to relive their past or to fit into their lifestyle as e.g. Gina Ford).

Oh bloody hell Wibble don't bring she who cannot be named into it. Eeek.

Wibbly, as a mother who didn't want kids until I was well over 30 and now ADORES my 3, all born after I was 35, I think it is a massive generalisation and offensive to say that mothers like me are bad at adapting to children's needs, are using children to relive our own past (wtf?!) or any other silly suggestion. I really can't imagine where you get this idea from. Sounds like a Daily Mail article-in-waiting.

OP, I think there is a big jump from thinking about devoting your life to 'a child' and to 'your child'. The feelings you will have for your children cannot be imagined before the event. If your child, for whatever reason, required your care in this intensive way, then you would simply deal with the situation as best you could.

Children, like disabilities, come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. And when the child, or the disability, is connected to you, then you see things rather differently. Don't overthink it in advance.

Wibbly: That's not really fair is it? Why would the length of time someone wants a child factor in their ability to be a good mum? I never wanted kids because frankly I didn't see the attraction, but then I saw the clock ticking and had a good word with myself (over two years, wasn't a snap decision) and now I'm up the duff and looking forward to all the snot and tears (and then the baby). At what age should you have a baby by before you're deemed Not Quite Good Enough to bring up a kid?

WibblyBibble what a load of bollocks!

Sorry I'm not I can't be bothered to be polite on the face of such a ridiculous and sweeping generalisation!

"if you really wanted children you'd have known from at least early adulthood"

Utter bollocks.

OP, I have two children, neither disabled. But I remember feeling exactly the same way as you right up until both were born. I can't carry to nine months and prematurity can cause so many things, I remember sitting next to DD2 while they did a brain scan in SCBU and being terrified about what they might find.

I was lucky. I genuinely don't know if I could have coped ŵith a severely disabled child. But I do know that I wouldn't want to be without the two I had just because I don't know.

That might be poorly expressed, but I hope you get the meaning behind it.

I should add that you as you are now, couldnt cope with what having a disabled child would mean. But you as a mother, .... she is a different woman, who knows what she can cope with?

That hits the nail right on the head. I felt exactly the same as you before I got pg, me and DH discussed it and both agreed that if the scans showed up anything dreadful and our baby needed 24/7 care or whatever then we would terminate as we felt we would not be able to cope (selfishly nor did we want to).

Thankfully we now have a perfect 9 year old DS who is our world. If something god forbid happened to him and he needed 24/7 care now.......in a heartbeat, obv wouldn't think twice about it - I am a mum now, I am a different person.

The fact that you are thinking so seriously indicated that yes you are cut out to be a mum, you're not having thoughts that are unusual, your colleague is a twunt! (and a twunt that probably leaves all the caring/parenting to his poor W)

Hope I've worded this ok :)

well..my DD is also perfect but i will sit on hands cos you are CLEARLY one of the nice posters :)

Fanjo =- perfect to me, so not perfect perfect if you get my meaning

"(e.g. I think teenage mothers are often better at mothering than women who weren't sure they wanted kids until they were 35 as is the current fashion, because I think they are better at adapting to childrens' needs and less trying to use children to relive their past or to fit into their lifestyle as e.g. Gina Ford)."

ROTFL! yeah right! pfft, Snort and so on.

"if you really wanted children you'd have known from at least early adulthood"

That has just made me laugh..... That statement is sweeping and does not apply to a good percentage of the population.

As a first time mum at 34 and a second time mum at 44, I'm pretty sure that I haven't relived my past through my children. My childhood wasn't a bed of roses and I wouldn't inflict that on anyone.....

Screech In answer to your question - we never really know the answer until the situation presents itself. I never thought I'd ever have to cope with some of the stuff that I've got myself, my DS and DD through. But I did. You just get on with it.