To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

[ScreechOwl]

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

OP if you do get a 'hard time' from the parents of children with severe disabilities I think this will give you the answer you need.

I have 2 children neither of whom has a severe SN. They both have their own idiosyncracies that require consideration, strategies and support. They both respond to different 'parenting styles' and require different approaches to discipline. Children with SN are no different, they just require more of them, and more demanding, more specialised involvement for a longer time.

They are no different in that you, as a parent, would walk to the ends of the earth and back again to do the best for them.

On a rational level I wouldn't choose to devote the rest of my natural life to caring for anyone else. I just wouldn't - I like my own time and my own company. But if my child needed it I absolutely would. Some of the parents who have done would probably have felt like you at some point too.

Boomerwang, your post disturbs me.

My DD enjoys every minute of her life and I would never see her as 'bleeding me dry' or indeed the country.
Makes me feel very bad even typing that, in fact.

iMO that is a very uncompassionate and harsh view. :(

Just awful.

As for 'if you can prevent it (this miserable bleeding the country dry child) you should.'

Words almost fail me.

Total eugenics.

Oh Fanjo

I do wish people would bloody well JUST NOT POST with badly worded, hurtful, uninformed opinions such as Boomerang's.

Boomerang, really...was that really necessary? To say that, in those words?

I know I shouldn't say this but I suspect the OP is a Daily Mail Journalist who is now rubbing their hands with glee. Now my post will get pulled by MN Towers.

They possibly are, yes!

Will console myself with watching my lovely wee girl as she enjoys her life..she is happier than anyone I know, when we go somewhere she likes she runs in squealing with pure joy.

Can't do much about her being a drain on society though, maybe I could hire her out to educate people who think children with disabilities can't enjoy life.

Normal concerns really. I'm sure most woman worry about any potential issues with their pregnancy or future pregnancy and how they would deal with them.

FWIW pre children I would have been terrified at the prospect of caring for a special needs child. Convinced I would not be up to it and wouldn't cope. Years later I work with SN kids and find it very rewarding. Not the same as being a parent obviously but I see how their parents cope and the joy that their kids achievements, however small, bring to them and it's really very inspiring. People do cope and their children do bring them happiness.

Having said that don't feel bad about considering termination under certain hypothetical circumstances. Certainly doen't mean you shouldn't ttc. Good luck.

Well, I think its wise to discuss this kind of thing. Dh and I didn't want any testing other than scans for anomolaies when I was pregnant, I was quite adamant on that but didn't actually discuss it with dh until I was about 12 weeks with ds so if hed had a different opinion then things might have been difficult.

I don't think you're a bad person or not cut out to be a mum or anything BUT I do think you're talking yourself out of this a bit. Is this what you really want or do you love your partner so much you feel you HAVE to do it?

I am quite shocked at the naivety of a lot of posters who think that you can test for everything antenatally.

There are 100s of syndromes (literally), many without a name, that would not be detected during antenatal testing - even if you have an amnio.

They really are bastards (DM journos). Now I'm definitely going to get pulled!

You ok Fanjo? I do realise this is a topic worthy of debate and thought by the way. It's just you can't control some of the outrageously hurtful and insensitive things some people say which kind of makes you go weak with despair.

Proudnscary I am fine thanks, have learned that there are people who think like that, nothing surprises me..Claire Khaw is a famous example I believe, who actually said she would drown a disabled baby at birth, maybe boomerwang would like her website.

Just glad I, and lots of others don't think that way.

Me too, mate, me too

'I never wanted children and then you came along and nothing else mattered'

That describes me perfectly!

I couldn't imagine "nothing else mattering" either. Obviously for some people, other things do still matter more and we hear about some of them on the news. But they are few and far between.

For every Boomerwang there's a Proudnscary, you see, one of the good ones..keeps us going :)

My dd has a condition which is described as being incompatible with life, and more than 90% of children who are diagnosed inutero are aborted. I didn't find out, as she must have had the stroke very late on, but I don't judge people who feel they can't carry on the pregnancy. I feel sad that someone wanted a baby until they found out they would be disabled but that is my issue (I think largely based upon how people with disabilities are treated by society at large).

And Boomerwang I would assume that you have little to no experience at living with someone who has severe disabilities because my daughter who has horrendous brain damage has the most wonderful life. She has cognitive and physical profound disabilities but she is a very very happy little girl who has no worries or fears, she loves going to music and lights and cuddles. My DS who is 8 spends a considerable length of time grumpy and complaining, DD doesn't.

Bommerwang : wow, I honestly don't care how many kids / adults bleed the systen (your words most certainly not mine), I care about their health and the quality of life for them and their carers. I honestly find it shocking that people think like you do.

Careful now, I speak for myself and not some Claire Khaw or whoever.

This might come as a surprise but my last three jobs were all as support worker for people with varying degrees of disability. I'm glad I get the opportunity to stop you in your tracks before you assume that I faked a CRB and stuffed blended food up the nostrils of many. I'm a damn good carer. Everything I do, I imagine being done to myself. I treat people as I want to be treated. I could big myself up for a while...

I have worked alongside many types of disability. I have seen deep into the lives of those who must deal with the majority of the care given because they are family. I know that every one of those people would be just as horrified as you are at my personal decision not to have a child knowing it was severely disabled but like I said, I compared their lives to mine and not only do I know I couldn't do it, but I don't want to do it. I probably gave crap reasons as to why, but don't think that I want disabled people to be out of the way, I just don't want to add to it if I have the opportunity to avoid it.

Hmm if this doesn't even things up then maybe I really am a snotbag.

Doesnt even up the 'bleeding dry'comment, especially since you made your living from being a carer, sorry.

Doesn't "even things up" and I'm glad you're not looking after my daughter.

Of course it doesn't 'even' it up. You have a job caring for people. So?

Makes it worse actually, could almost excuse your post if it was through ignorance of people with disabilities but if it doesn't, well it's harsh. as for 'bigging yourself up'by saying you treated those you care for like you'd want to be treated well that's just basic human decency AMD not some big achievement we should praise you for. So you SHOULD treat the people like that.

So that means I am basically a decent human?

'I didn't beat up the people I cared for cos I am so great'.

Have a medal, eh

Okay Boomer. It's really a pro-choice issue then. Not dissimilar to working in childcare but not wanting any children of your own if that makes it less emotive for people. FWIW those feelings wouldn't make you first choice for the role in my eyes.

Working with SN kids has made me think pretty much the opposite to you. I can't imagine terminating. I don't think I could do my job if I thought differently tbh.

Boomerwang..no, as it's cancelled out by your crass eugenics comments about 'bleeding the country dry', which make it bigger than your personal choice.

Not sure I even believe you have been a carer if you claimed people with disabilities get nothing from life, either, tbh.