To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

[ScreechOwl]

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

btw just to be clear I do NOT consider disability to be 'abnormal', no way - my DSis wasn't abnormal when she was ill - I just worry about wehther I'd be up to it.

Screech, you haven't, I am sad people think of kids like my DD in those terms is all, I am biased but she is sweet and lovely.

I am saddened by use of 'normal' vs 'disabled'..people who will accuse me of being easily offended should try to imagine someone calling their choke 'not normal'

ErR child not choke

Bobble dunk used the word 'normal', screech owl, not you :)

My iPad is being abnormal and separating names into two

Re he independence thing..not ideal but she's my DD and I like her company

Now am off to sleep..don't bunfight, people :)

OP, when you start a new job, dont you worry that you may not be up to it?
But after a few months you look back and think "Why did I think I wouldnt manage this?". Parenthood is the same, with a disabled or non-disabled child. Yes it has its hard times, and with a disabled child there are more hard times, there is no denying that, but you cope. You just do. And the fact that you are questioning your own abilities before you ttc says that you take parenthood far more seriously than many. That is a good sign :)

op, I feel the same. I would have terminated had I discovered there were 'abnormalities' in my pregnancy even though it was a much wanted pregnancy. Your workmate is a fool. every person makes a decision based upon their own life and circumstances, including how they deal with disability at the birth.

Note I wouldn't judge anyone's choices, it just makes me a bit sad that people don't realise children with disabilities can be rewarding and worthwhile, because IME I see they can be.

Must also point out my DD's disability wouldn't have showed up with antenatal testing and became apparent as she got older

Op- I think if everyone in this world agonised over whether they would be a wonderful, truly selfless mother before conception, there would be precious few babies actually born!

I wanted children (for selfish reasons, not because I thought I would be the best mother in the world). I was/ am not a particularly maternal person (have to confess to far preferring puppies to babies ) I did worry a bit about how I would cope (with any child!) but, corny as it sounds, when dd1 was born I just felt differently about it. My overriding memory of the first night in hospital after she was born is of my being unable to turn over in bed, as then I wouldn't be looking at her in her little cot!

I have three dc now, and I love them to bits. I don't think I am a wonderful selfless mother, unfortunately, but they seem to love me back, and we have lots of great times in among the times I just wish for 5 mins peace. I'm pretty sure now that even had they had severe disabilities I would feel just the same, although it would no doubt be harder work.

Think about your DP, and the way you feel about him. Before you allowed yourself to fall in love with him, did you agonise that some day he might be in, say, an accident and need care and help? Did this stop you wanting to make a commitment to a partner? And if that actually happened (god forbid) do you think you would run for the hills? You will find it is the same (more so) with your child, honestly.

There are no guarantees in life, with anything, so I'd say don't worry about things that yes, can happen, but more likely will not. I'm sure you will be a perfectly adequate mother (like me )

(Or get a puppy instead )

Fanjo - I really don't think anyone is saying that your DD or any other disabled child isn't rewarding & worthwhile - just that it changes your life completely and it's a lot more work and I don't think anyone with a severely disabled child would disagree with that - do you? x

I think it's completely normal for someone who is preparing to have children to consider all these things. They're scary. No one wants a child who is going to suffer. And if you have a successful career I can see why you'd be scared of losing your independence.

I'm not a mum, but all I've read says that everything changes when you become one anyway - the goalposts move, so you'd have different concerns and the things you think now might bother you in fact won't.

I'm someone who's disability emerged later in life. I'll be honest, my parents didn't cope for the first few years. It was a massively hard adjustment for my family. But I have a disability that has a big impact on my life and I'm independent from my parents. I live 3 hours away from them. It took a lot to get here but here I am. I think the absolute best thing you can do is try to look at some real children with disabilities (can I recommend perhaps Kelle Hampton's blog just for her gorgeous pictures of her daughter who has Down syndrome) so that it isn't just some scary abstract idea in your head. And because as fanjo writes, there are all sorts of children out there who have disabilities who are bloody wonderful; happy and bright and great fun to be around. Face the reality and have a read and educate yourself and I think you'd start feeling differently.

I mean, look at me, I'm crippled and I'm bloody wonderful

but they seem to love me back

:o Mine seem to aswell, I do wonder why sometimes!

Chipping,it does but that doesn't matter so much when it's your child (yes I was lurking, can't sleep)

"Just to clarify, what I am asking is, if you feel like you would not deal with a very disabled DC, does that per se make you too selfish for motherhood."
No, it absolutely does not mean that you are too selfish to be a mother. It means that you are self-aware enough to suspect that you are not Superwoman and that there may be circumstances that you would prefer not to find yourself in.

Frankly, and as a mother already, I don't feel I'd be up to coping with a very disabled child. That would be a lack in me, not the child; but yes I would terminate in that circumstance. Do I consider myself too selfish for motherhood because of that? No. Because my child is not disabled and I can cope with that circumstance. I have limits, but I'm not pushed beyond them except when he's moaning for age-inappropriate videogames.

ScreechOwl, taking on motherhood is a massive change to you, the biggest change that can be undertaken, due to, IMO, it being an irreversible change. (Marry? You can divorce. New job? You can resign. Give birth? Always a mother.) I am heartened that you have doubts about your suitability, because that indicates to me that you are taking it seriously and considering what would be best, not just for you but for any child you may have.

I am the Mother of a severly disabled thirteen year old boy. He is blind, no speech, severly Autistic etc :(
All this curred as a direct result of premature birth - 24 weeks - 1lb 11 0z.

I love the bones of him and he is very pleasent and confident.

I'm not 100% sure i could terminate if I was told my baby was disabled whilst expecting but I would seriously consider, knowing what I know now, as it is often an isolating, restrictive life. Also in order to obtain help from SS one often has to appeal, 'go cap in hand' and tolerate intrusive questions and people checking my home.

It is worth it as I love my Son but I have changed a lot. I'm more of an emotional person, suspicious, albeit strong.

As a parent of a disabled child I receive prejudice from the community in which I live and society in general. Obviously people can also be very kind and understanding.

My relationship with DS''s Father broke down but it was shit anyway and
I realised my family were prejudice spiteful arses. I cut them off.
I do my best for DS, our emotional bond is very strong too :) (was not with my own parents).

Just a snapshot into a life of a Carer.

He can walk and is not in pain and I'm so grateful for that.

It's your call and you know yourself and what you want. I for one would NEVER judge or see you as a bad person etc.
Your choice x

Two majorly disabling conditions (well, they can be) are autism and CP, which you cant test for antenatally, there are no guarantees with motherhood.

"Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that."

Listen. You don't have to be some pious, unfalting Madonna to be a good mother. It's actually a hell of a lot better for everybody if you're not.

You've heard of nuchal scans, right? They're a pretty common proceedure. People have them for a variety of reasons. One reason is to rule out the risk of Downs Syndrome in your baby. Another might be to learn early that your child does have it, and use the rest of the pregnancy to come to terms with it and prepare. Another yet might be to terminate the pregnancy.

Do you honestly think that every single mother out there - every single one - has rejected the ideas you're entertaining outright and made their peace with 'giving everything up for their DC'?

If that were the case, then there would be zero demand for nuchal scans, other than as a reason to prepare yourself. Zero demand for 20-week anomaly scans other than as a reason to prepare yourself. And termination after 13 weeks would be outright illegal.

You do also realise there are vast swathes of women who've had abortions for reasons other than disability; for much 'less' than not being able to cope with delibitating disability, and gone on - or continued to be - fantastic, caring mothers?

Your colleague is an arse and YABU to give his daft opinions airtime.

Also as an actual Mother of a disabled child

YOUR COLLEAGUE IS AN IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT

Do what is right for YOU

PLEASE X

OP I used to think there is no way I could cope with a disabled child.

As DH and I have only just had out first 15 weeks ago if we decide to have another baby we will be classed as "old" by the medical profession and hence are statistically more likely for there to be something wrong with the next baby.

Now we have DD (who is fine as far as we know) I could not make such a blanket decision to abort another baby (now I know how fab they are). It would totally depend on what was wrong. With the exception I suppose of being told the baby was "not compatible with life" - which my friend was told.

TBH I think you just not worry about what the work colleague said and there are lots of tests which can be carried out in advance these days so you can make an informed decision. Some hospitals offer free NT scans, ours didn't but things like that are worth paying for I think.

We also wrote a birth plan that was for a hb with very minimal interventon/poking about "as long as baby and mum are ok and it is safe to do so". The MW will/should respect your wishes for things like this. You just need to be strong and fight your corner with the medics.

I've seen first hand how bringing up a disabled child can suck the life right out of you and drive you into an early grave. And I've seen it go the other way too. Depends on the disability I suppose.

When I got pregnant I talked to my bloke about what we'd do if we found the baby was severely disabled. I lay it down flat that I'd terminate. I'm not gonna make any friends by saying this, but I have no desire to bring into the world a person who won't get much out of it and will bleed myself and the country dry for at least 50 years. I don't know if I'm the only one who's thought it, but the cost of care is humongous, and the care itself can be pretty shoddy unless you're the one doing it. If you can prevent it from happening, I think you should.

As said by previous posters though, if your kid develops something or suffers trauma that's different. It's not like you had any control and you make the best of it. Once your baby is born (or past a certain point in the pregnancy if you like) you're taking over full responsibility and that's that.