To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

[ScreechOwl]

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

Betty, I know, i was messing a bit really :)

Fanjo, I thought you were but phew.....don't want to offend. I know what I want to say but its so hard on a message forum getting the right tone....something meant one way can be read quite the other :)

i don't get offended by anyone who is a decent kind person really :)

No. It does not mean that you are not cut out for motherhood.

Many parents opt to not try for baby nr 2 or baby 3/6 etc due to the same concern, it does not mean they are not cut out for parenthood. Only that they are realistic, and have valid concerns (dna, genetic disposition, experience, age, health).

It also means that your colleague is a judgmental and smug cow, and I am sorry to hear you have been put off due to her silly comments.

I was told at five months (20 weeks) that my unborn child had spina bifida, I detached and knew that if the child had I wouldn't have it.

It doesn't make me a bad person though, fortunately he was okay. But my decision would be the same now today.

i do by people with the sensitivity of a rhino though

ScreechOwl / my sister in law is severely disabled. She has lived for 15 years longer than her initial life expectancy. She is like a 2 year old in the body of a 30 year old. I think it is natural to worry when you see up close the effect this has on the family, and on the person affected. My sister in law is in a great deal of pain.

Personally I think there is enough suffering in the world without knowingly bringing a disabled child into the world.

oh seriously.

My DD doesn't suffer.

What a brutal horrible post, like Boomerwang's earlier.

I think your concerns are perfectly normal and rational OP, and everyone goes through them. I think the best is to face very unlikely things as they arrive, not fret overmuch so long beforehand.

The only comment I'd make is that you are thinking of ttc "in about a year's time", so seems there is still some delaying action going on.

Disabled children don't automatically suffer. The fact that you see them in a totally negative light says a lot about what you think of disabled people startail.

Your life = your decision

massive eye roll at disabled children suffering. Mine doesn't.

anyway I am leaving this thread for a bit because there's enough suffering in my world without reading posts like that one from startail

hyper Thats great....... but some do and so do their families and with the govt cuts more will in the future

yup - unfortunately lots of people suffer during their lifetime, disabled or not. I was responding to startail.

My son has a significant disability - he receives HR DLA - he doesn't suffer though. He's pretty much the happiest child I've ever known :)

screech I have a severely autistic ds, so am coming at this from a slightly different angle.
I think that you are in no way being selfish or that you are not cut out to be a mother. I actually think the opposite, you have thought about this and considered negative things that can happen in pregnancy instead of jumping in wearing rose tinted glasses. Also you are aware in advance of what you are able manage personally. On the other hand though I wouldn't convince yourself that if your child was to develop a disabling condition you would have to give up working and resent it. I know many mothers who have children like my ds, who attends special school, who work full time and have great careers, one in particular is staff nurse manager of a cardiothoracic ITU.
In my opinion it is, as you say, each womans decision as to whether to terminate in that situation.
Good Luck with TTC, I am sure you will make a great mum. You know your own limits and are honest about them.

I am sure he is! My son has SN...and he is a pretty amazing little chap too.....

Hear hear, what a great post

startail Fri 13-Jan-12 15:32:33
"Personally I think there is enough suffering in the world without knowingly bringing a disabled child into the world"

This statement often seems to stand for "personally I think there are enough things that make me feel uncomfortable in this world without somebody else bringing disabled children in"

Most severely disabled children, the kind who look disabled and need 24/7 care, are not suffering. They may seem like an inconvenience to startail, but they are not in pain, they are not ill, they are often no more unhappy than your average citizen, sometimes less so.

My dd otoh does suffer from her genetic condition. She is in pain, she is not getting enough sleep, she is suffering from depression and anxiety, and she worries about the future. Yet I have never heard it suggested that children like her should have been terminated. Could that be because she looks "normal", is extremely verbal and an A* student?

Hypocrisy, non?

I suspect this kindly concern for other people's suffering has very little to do with the actual people and even less with the actual suffering.

Sorry your DD is finding things so tough cory :(

And that's a good point, startail is probably talking about kids like my Dd because she can't speak and communicate..but she is happy with the simple things and has no worries at all

To all of you who think that having a child with SN is a drain on society, unfair on the child, etc: my DS1 has a brain injury, he is progressing, can walk talk, is charming, etc.

He is 7 now, it has not been a bed of roses, it has been hard and we have made some sacrifices for him, there many times that I kept asking myself "why me!", it has been a long road but now I can honestly say it is a privilege to be his mother, I am now thanking life for sending him to me, he has made me appreciate the good things in life so much more, he has made me realise that I have strength in me I never knew I had, I dearly love him and I think he makes this world a better place.

I have not read all the thread.

I think that parenthood is terrifying for all of us. Even if you have healthy children they can become severely disabled by illness. However so can our partners/husbands or even ourselves. In life its best to focus on the present rather than what might happen.

Even if you have healthy children your life will be turned upside down. The change is difficult for many and there is no denying it. I find the responsibiity terrifying at the best of times.