To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

[ScreechOwl]

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. You are giving the prospect of being a mother careful consideration and that can only be a good thing and sounds pretty responsible to me.

I think your fears are more common than a lot of people would care to admit and I don't think you should be judged for that. I've certainly had similar thoughts myself, and I have a DS who I adore - but now I know how hard it can be to care for a non SN child who presents no additional challenges I actually feel even more doubtful about my ability to cope with a child with additional needs.

A number of years ago I worked with a woman who had twins - one was 'fine' and the other was disabled. She gave the disabled one up for adoption. At the time I was a lot younger and judged her very harshly (not vocally btw, just in my head!)....now I'm not so sure...'until you've walked a mile in their shoes' and all that.

Hope no one is too offended by my relating that, I know its a bit of a shocker, but it must happen however little it is talked about.

Screech..........7 years ago I was in the position of being pregnant after saying for years I didn't want any children, then being told I'd need fertility treatment anyway ( which I didn't) only to be told at my 20 week scan that my baby wouldn't make it to birth and was advised to terminate. They believed he had Edwards' pr Patau Syndromes.My CHOICE was not to do it. I figured if he was going to die he'd do in under his own steam.

When he was born we were told he would not make it to 1 month old. They still believed he had one of those syndromes. Testing proved he didn't. In fact so far nothing genetic has been found. When he made it to a month we were told he'd never walk, talk or have any quality of life......

Today.........he'll be 7 yrs old in Feb and although he is a medical mystery and anatomically unique, he goes to mainstream school, has lots of friends and is a happy wee boy.

Yes he has had a tought time. Came home from hospital at 13 weeks after various ops, including open heart surgery at 4 weeks old where we werew told they didin't know what his chances of survival were as the defects were so unusual. Since then he's continued to have multiple surgeries for different things and LOTS of hospital admissions which have only reduced in the last year or so. For his first 5 years he spent at least half his life in hospital. He still needs various surgeries, is completely tube fed and yes it was stressful, yes it was unfair, but was it worth it..........ABSOLUTELY! Cognitively he is where he should be, in spite of serious doubts about how he would develop when he was a baby. And I am now a walking, talking medical encyclopedia on him :)

I would never have believed I would cope with what I have done. However it's true that I am a different person today than I was 7 years ago.

I suppose the purpose of my post was to say that sadly, sometimes when the worst prognosis is given the docs have gotten it wrong! Had I listened to the doctors in the beginning then my wonderful, loving, happy little boy would no longer be on this planet and that is a very sad thought indeed. And the saddest part of these kind of decisions and choices for me is the sadness that some people miss out on the wonder their child could have been because a doctor got it wrong.................

Do I think you could be a mother ...........ABSOLUTELY!

I had horrible dreams when I was expecting ds, about the scans revealing a horrendous disability which meant I had to abort him at once. And in my hormone-induced dream state that seemed a totally self-evident conclusion, not something you could even discuss.

What I didn't know, of course, was that my dd who was 3 years old at the time already had a condition that would gradually render her disabled. Any more than my friend's husband would have known when he married her that she would go on to develop a condition which would leave her unable to walk or even sit upright. But then neither of us could have foreseen the compensations either, what life would really be like living with these two wonderful people.

So I agree with reallytired: entering any human relationship carries a risk. Most of us are take that risk, because living without human conctact would be unbearable. But it is quite common to have wobbles before you start TCC or before you give birth.

Rufous, I think giving children with SN up for adoption was far more common when I was young: it was the sort of thing that doctors and MWs might start suggesting to you immediately after the birth, whereas these days one hopes they would speak more of the kind of support on offer.

To all the parents of children with disabilities on this thread - you are an inspiration. I am pregnant with my first child and hope that I will develop the grace and strength to parent my child as you do, should he turn out to have a disability.

OP, I am 31 weeks pregnant with my first child at 39 years old, my partner and I having never wanted to have a child until very, very recently (we conceived first go, to our shock). So obviously, I can't speak from the experience of having a child, disabled or not, but what I can say is that I don't think ambivalence, not having wanted a baby since adolescence, or worrying about how you would cope in hypothetical circumstances are any automatic disqualification from motherhood. I am also very career-minded, and I can honestly say that pregnancy is one of the most exciting and strange things I have ever done, and has already changed me in ways I wouldn't have expected. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Cory I hope you're right that support would be offered. This was in the early 2000s. IIRC social services weren't particularly keen to take the disabled twin away from her. I always wondered what the other twin would feel about it when she was older, and if she would think 'If I had an accident, would mummy and daddy not want me any more?' Very sad really.

Well, perhaps we shouldn't be too optimistic about support, Rufous, particularly not in the current climate.

Giving kids with SN up is very conmon, judging by my DD's school for children with severe AMD complex learning difficulties, out of 50 kids id say at least 10 are in foster care

Which is fair enough, I wouldn't judge parents if they have tried and cant cope, afraid i do a bit if they just give kids up at birth without trying to care for them

Wouldn't criticise them or anything though, just my opinion from having DD

No, having thought about that, I.would try really hard not to judge them if I didnt k.ow their.circumstances, something I think.is very important. It is obviously a touchy subject for me though

A good book to give insight about what it means to give uo an SN child to foster care is 'When the Bough Breaks' by Julia Hollander. Whether you agree with her decision or not, it was a very enlightening book.

gosh, mumtosome, you've been through a lot, words from the wise indeed!

OP - don[t be too hard on yourself and also don't overanalyse. where would we be if we all did this for too long?! That's not to say, don't think about it, but then decide and go with it. We all have/have had your concerns, of course, you're not at all unique - don't mean that badly, just being honest.

My dear SIL, a little narcissistic, must be said, made this mistake. Agonised for years - they never had the money/job/house (none of this was really true, they just didn't want to compromise at all) and then realised time had passed them by, she was much less fertile and he was eventually diagnosed with low sperm count, cue failed IVF cycles and much distress..