To wonder if this means I shouldn't become a mother?

[ScreechOwl]

I have NC because I am a bit afraid of the way this will go, but I want some brutally honest opinions here because this has been bugging me for a long time.

DP and I are going to start ttc in about a year after talking about it for ages. For a long time before this, I knew I didn't want children. One of the chief reasons was a conversation I had with a colleague a couple of years back.

Somehow the topic arose of whether a woman should be able to have an abortion if she found out that a viable baby she was carrying was severely disabled - I mean such that the child would never be able to live independently and/or would need lifelong specialist care. I said in that situation I probably would terminate a pregnancy. That it was one thing for a child who becomes disabled or ill at or after birth - or where you don't know beforehand - but that bringing a baby into the world that you know will never be independent of you is a big ask.

Not wrong - not, no one should do it - but a very big ask that an individual woman should decide she isn't up to.

Colleague said I was selfish, that being a parent meant being prepared to give up everything for DC, and that I should not become a mum if I felt like that.

In my heart of hearts, if I had a severely disabled child and had to give up my career to care for them, I'm afraid I'd feel massively resentful. Does this mean I am not cut out for motherhood? Please bear in mind I am being really honest here, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just want some opinions.

Now am off to read my book and have a coffee as I don't really like waking up to such discussions

If your comments were based on absence of knowledge and experience then it's just ignorance, you're making hideous comments on bleeding the country dry and not getting much out of life and you don't have that excuse. Then you'd like congratulating because you treat people with disabilities who you are employed to care for with human decency.

What bob said, she put what I was trying to say above much more clearly, maybe she has been awake longer today.

Glad you're not caring for my dd Boomerwang.

It's attitudes like yours that make me nervous about her transition to adult services. Suppose all her carers are like you? :(

right, right after having a think about how I'd feel if I WAS parent to a disabled child and read comments like the ones I'd made, I think I'd be just as pissed as you guys about the bleeding dry stuff - but it is true. As for me being a support worker I'm not going any further with that because you have no idea how much further I have taken my job without being paid just so that people get the best care and not the minimum required.

I apologise for causing offence, I truly do. I might learn a bit about diplomacy at some point and be a bit gentler with the words I use but my mind is not changed. If you are disabled and you're here, you ARE loved, you CAN enjoy your life, it doesn't have to be like anyone else's to make you happy and you owe nothing to anyone and THAT is how I feel about anyone who exists, but I stand by my belief that if you have the opportunity to prevent it and can handle the decision you make then you should.

Not enough people realise that scans are not the holy grail.
None of my three childrens' multiple complex additional needs could be detected by scan.

I didn't realise it, I didn't consider it.

Boomerwang, thankfully people who aren't parents of disabled kids also think your comments are crass and harsh too.

But hey, just say them again why don't you.

op please warn others in the title that it is about abortion and special needs, two very upsetting things for some people.

My DD2 was born with a serious life threatening problem that could of but wasn't picked up on before birth. It also means she has a possible genetic link and the thought anyone would abort a fantastic child like her ia very distressing. Not something I wanted to wake up to.

Without becoming involved with your actual AIBU, I tried to gloss over it. YABU! you have upset and angered me and probably many others.

My DP is fond of telling me that I'm possibly the least selfish person on the planet. I'll do anything for everyone to the point where I'm taken advantage of. (I'm learning to grow some balls though )

When I fell pregnant I was absolutely terrified. I instantly went "Oh god, I'm another bloody statistic." because I was only 20. I was living with my parents in a rented room with DP and we'd only been together 10 months. I honestly considered termination because I thought I wouldn't cope, that I wouldn't be able to provide a good life for my baby, and yes - the thought did occur that my baby could end up severely disabled and I thought I was in no way responsible enough for a normal baby, let alone one that requires a lifetime of emotional, physical and financial support. And I thought I was being so selfish by putting my insecurities before the baby.

I ended up talking to my mum and she took me to the GP who explained that these were completely normal concerns, and I should wait until the 12-week scan to even think about abortion, and until my 18-week scan to decide. Love at first sight, and I now have a beautiful 6mo DS.

It doesn't make you selfish - it makes you incredibly caring, responsible and ethical. I'd rather terminate the pregnancy of a severely handicapped child than to churn out child after child with no thought to the future or to what might happen.

Yegods.

A 'normal'baby vs one that 'requires a lifetime of support'

And the word handicapped thrown in for good measure.

You might be the least selfish person on planet but you aren't the most sensitive.

Stealth, do they really ask you to wait? I would have thought the decision would be harder to make the further along you are, so I'm surprised at that.

So would you, in hindsight, have preferred to make your decision with or without the scans, bearing in mind you could have missed out on having a child you clearly adore?

Morning all. Some really interesting posts here (though Boomerwang !).

proud I am not a journo, honest - if you/ Fanjo is bothered about that, say, and I will PM you under my normal MN name. I NC because if people ended up hating me I didn't want my usual ID to be tarnished by a possibly foolish and risky OP here and also because I have said some things under my normal nickname that could possibly lead to my real identity and job and I don't want this connected to that.

pants if you are coming back I'd really like to know why you think this should not be posted about and why it angers you? I am not for one single second saying that anyone else's DC should be aborted - !! - and without giving too much away, I work with a couple of people with fairly serious disabilities, for example a woman who has lost all her sight. I could cope with that because I know that woman can and does live away from her parents and has grown up to have a full life.

I am just raising the question of what happens when that's not possible, and what if you end up feeling horrible about it. I don't think it's an easy topic but I also think it's a real one and don't know why it shouldn't be talked about. But tell me why :)

fanjo since you are still around can I ask, if you dn't mind, did you have to give up work to care for DD and how did you feel about that? That is the thing that bugs me, as my career is my life now, and I always thought a DC would be part of my life but not become my life iyswim.

no I am still working

Doesn't mean that at all. I have a severely disabled cousin, and seeing how hard it is for their family means that my feeling is I would also terminate. I can't say for certain that's what would happen, I don't think you ever can until youre faced with that situation, but that's how I feel just now.

I think it takes a very special person to care for a severely disabled child, teenager, and then adult, and I know my limits: I am not that person. I constantly worry I will be in that situation as I hate the idea of abortion for myself, have no problems with others choosing it, but the alternative for us, i feel, we could not cope with, especially as we have a dc already, and it would impact him and his care.

My aunt and uncle would have terminated, apparently, if they'd known. They were two years too young to be offered the testing at the time my cousin was conceived.

My cousin is very loved, and a lovely part of our family, but exceptionally hard work.

your aunt and uncle would have terminated as your cousin is hard work.

How utterly depressing.

Think I will hide this thread

Fanjo just to say thanks for all your posts, they have made me feel so much better and I'm sorry if this has been a difficult thread for you. It's appreciated x

We should all have the same opinions, then this thread would be easy reading.

Boomerwang..yes thats it entirely.

No, it's just some of the opinions are pretty harsh, like reading about people saying they would have terminated their actual living child, and your comments I won't drag up again.

Another crass comment from you there.

Glad you feel better ScreechOwl :)

I think it's normal to doubt your own abilities, at least I hope it is. I was crying yesterday because I was worried I wasn't being a good enough mother to dd1 and 2.

I think you would be selfish if you didn't care how you would be looking after them.

I also think there is a good chance you will view life differently if not when you are pregnant when your lo is born. Having a baby tends to change your perspective.

At least ScreechOwl thinks about others feelings before she posts rather than just wading in with her opinions worded completely insensitively

like a few on this thread..

What you think you would do and what you actual do if you are in the situation can be totally different. As many people have said, lots of sn can't be picked up on a scan anyway.

I always thought if I was in a situation where the hcp told me my baby would have a condition that was not compatable with life, or continuing the pg could cause pain and suffereing to my child then I would terminate.

When my cervix failed at just under 19 weeks and the treatment didn't work and my waters broke, my consultant explained to us that the chances of the babys lungs being able to develope would be slim, not totally impossible but very unlikely.

Also the chances of the baby being born very early with allthe complications that can arise were high. Even if I made it to full term the baby might die shortly after birth because of the lungs not developing.

We chose to continue the pg, one of the reasons was because noone knew for sure what the out come would be and we wanted to give our son a chance. The other reason was the purely selfish reason that I couldn't bear to loose him.

I think what I'm trying to say is that unless you are in the position you don't always know what decision you will make, even if you think you do

Fanjo, sorry if that comment upset you, I just wanted to put forward the viewpoint from another couple who have a severely disabled child who acknowledge that, if they had had a choice, the outcome potentially could have been different - sad but true. It's not everyone's viewpoint and everyone is different. They adore my cousin. I won't go into anything more than that now.