I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

[CatHairInMyFaceCream]

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him )
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

Jeez that's long.

A long OP like this would put me off.

Thanks to those who have perservered :)

How much does your gym membership equate to per visit to the gym? Perhaps it would fair to apportion the equivalent sum to his night out in town once a week.

DP needs an evening bar job a couple of nights a week - pref somewhere that has bands.

I have never gotten this whole working partner viewing money for other partners activities as being some sort of charity donation.

If your DP wants to spend more money then it is simply a matter of budgeting. can you afford it or not? If yes then go for it. If not then figure out if you feel the spend on leisure activities is equitable and if it is then the answer is no. If you decide that you are currently spending more than your share of the leisure budget then readjust your activities to free up funds for his.

There is nothing more miserable than trying to have a good night out and counting the pennies at the same time. I personally would rather go out less frequently with a freer hand than more frequently with a tight budget...but that is surely up to your DP.

If money is tight then you cut your cloth to suit your coat. If you can't afford for him to go out regularly to gigs etc, then that's off the agenda, simple as.
Support him with doing anything affordable that gives him some 'me' time, fair enough, but not if you can't afford it.

Of course if he wants to spend more money when going out, then he can a) get a job and b) give up smoking!

If you cant afford the fifty pounds then he cant do it but how much does your gym cost a month? surely to be fair he should have this amount to do something he likes?

I think the split of jobs is good as long as dd is getting enought time with the three of you together..

He should go out more with your DD.
Everyone should get up earlier - lie-ins are for feckless teenagers, not grown-ups.
You and your DH should try and go out together more.
Have no thoughts on money quantities but can't see why a part-time job/nursery combo shouldn't be part of the considerations.
That's probably not helpful, is it?

Our roles are reversed - by that I mean that I am a SAHM to 3 DC's ( one of them is at school) and my DP works 8am - 5pm Monday to Friday and also some weekends.
In relation to the housework etc that you do - you do a hell of a lot more than my DP does. I basically do everything in relation to the kids and home. So in that way your DH is lucky. However it can be very difficult being the one at home 24/7. And also really hard not earning your own money.

The money you each spend on your own hobbies ect should be equal, whether its for the gym or a night out you get the same as each other each month.

His role at home is just as important as your at work. does he have the free time to work?

So he doesnt just have access to the family money? why not?

uWhat is the problem? That you feel your DP needs too much money for entertainment when you already work hard and don't spend an equivalent amount?

I think your focus on the detail of who does what in your OP might be implying you want to know if his job relative to yours merits larger monetary rewards (is this right?) I'm afraid that is irrelevant. You have to decide as a couple how much spare money you have realistically and share it fairly. Separately, decide whether you think it is unfair that (for instance) only you wake up at night times for the dc. What you can't do is say "you can only have £20 because you don't work hard enough".

I never answer in AIBU because I am not hard faced enough. I don't know what came over me. Watch out for those coming along soon who will shriek, "8 in the morning?!?!?! By 8 I have been up for 5 hours and cleaned all the 5 million gerbils' arses with cotton buds."

Well if he gave up the fags then that money could be spent going to a gig, he needs to figure out what's more important he can't get everything, especially if you are just getting by.

I don't see anything wrong with the rest of the day, except, in my opinion he should blitz the house at least once a week, and keep on top of the general tidying and cleaning during the rest of the week.

Sorry I know not much help, but I think it's only fair you get a rest

My gym membership is £30.50 per month.

The equivalent for him would be approx £7.50 per week.

bochead - I'll suggest that, thanks. Although it's the working he doesn't want to do unfortunately.

Does your DH get out during the day with your DD? e.g. take her swimming and stuff. Despite length of your post you don't mention activities he does during the day as part of being a SAHD. Maybe he is getting cabin fever?

I think it's fair that he has some kind of money that he chooses how to spend (cigarettes, bands etc.)

To be honest you both sound like you have quite a good balance - as a working parent you do more than my DH does.

ha ha cross posted - someone has been catsbummouth about the lie-ins. Bingo!

As far as "duties" go it seems ok butI would ask how much your gym membership is, to balance out the money he wants to go out on. Also, if he is a SAHD his money HAS to come from you and I would hate it if I had to ask DP for cash all the time. When I was on MAt Leave (and now) all our money goes into a joint account and its OUR money. We ask each other about BIG spends but otherwise, we are grown -ups, we don;t have to ask permission. Also, when you sau "town" do you mean London? If not, you can easily do a few pints and entry to a pub gig for £20-30, why £50?

What is the difference between your gym costs and his smoking costs?

I can only answer this from my own perspective (SAHM).

I can completely agree that your DP needs to get out of the house more. His days must seem really monotonous if that his all he really does. £50 a time is excessive IMO though, if the budget is limited.

I can't see why he isn't going out more during the week though, surely he gets bored at home all the time. What about the park, playgroups, going to the supermarket, feeding the ducks, swimming etc? I can see that SAHD can find it difficult to fit into playgroups, but there is lots of other stuff to do like music groups and swimming where it might be easier. He must be bored rigid at home all day.

And no, you aren't shirking your duties. As a SAHM I do all the childcare, housework, cooking, laundry etc. DH does alternate bedtimes when he is home.

now if a woman was posting from the perspective of your dp we would say now why isn't there joint access to money? Then there wouldn't be a problem. And I would agree he is quite right to ask for some me time with fair amount of spending to go with it. as long as you could afford the £50+ why would you begrudge him it? if you can't afford it why doesn't he know that. TBH it sounds to me like your DP is being (mostly) reasonable.

I think yabu in the aspect of controlling the finances as you are.

I think you should try to see the situation with you in dp position.

I don't think you are shirking your duties, but you haven't said your dp has a problem with this. You have said he wants to get out more, with friends. It's easy to forget you have a work life, gym life, and family life, when he only gets out once a month. £50 a week is a bit much, but surely he doesn't need that every week?

vezzie I saw it as my duty to step up and take one for the AIBU team.

Would agree that DD needs to be going to toddler clubs now though

I agree with whoever said the work and the money arent connected.

You should be splitting the work load in which ever way works best for the family (and noone can tell you how to do that as not all jobs are equally demanding and certainly not all DCs are equally demanding).

Likewise you should split the leisure budget in the way that gives maximum respite and benefit to the family.

You should not make the one a condition of the other.

I agree with SenoritaViva that the balance sounds quite fair.

OP I think the most fair resolution is to apportion the same amount to his leisure time as you do to your gym membership, and he can make up any shortfall out of his smoking budget. The quitting smoking should be the first issue to tackle here before anything else is considered.

You are doing loads more than most working 'dads' do, and he is doing less than most SAH'Mums' do (IMO/IME).

I think if you had a good amount of 'spare' money it would be fair enough for either of you to go out spending £50 every week on an evening out but if money is tight thats just not possible.

I am SAHM & DP is working (long hours) but he would never think that I wasn't entitled to spend any of 'our' money, I am as entitled to spend it as he is, but if we didn't have enough we would both have to make cutbacks.

But, do you mean that because he's the SAHP then he is less entitled to spend what you feel is 'your' money? Because for me & DP, what he earns is 'our' money.

But also, like I said at the start, you are definitely (IMO) doing a lot more than usual working partner, and he isn't really pulling his weight as SAHP.