I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

[CatHairInMyFaceCream]

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him )
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

Oh thanks Hully.

But perhaps if you going to start bathing some nights then he could put her to bed some nights? Or he could do the ironing while you do her bath?

With DP & I, this is how I work it as fair, I do all childcare/housework when he is at work and when he is at home, I would like us to do 50/50.

So I wouldn't be still ironing/cleaning/housework etc while he watches TV & he wouldn't be either.

I'm sorry, Cat. It does tho. Where is the fun?

Actually, Hully has put it far more succinctly...it sounds soul-destroying. For everyone.

And OP- you did ask.

And he sounds like a child wanting more pocket money tbh.

It sounds like he needs to find himself an interest (other than going to the pub) outside of childcare. I've been a sahm for almost 4 years and would have completely lost the plot if I was just at home all day. He needs to find some other sahp's they can hang out with during the day and maybe an evening class or sports team etc etc for an evening or 2 a week.

Could he be depressed? It doesn't sound like he's feeling particularly happy with his current situation and is lacking motivation to do anything about it.

It's a really tricky one , this situation where only one of you is earning because the other can feel like they are having to ask for pocket money. I wouldn't be a sahm for that very reason.

However, I don't really know why he is "shocked" at the suggestion that he gets a p/t job!?
If things are a bit tight financially, and dd is now 15 months, well, that's life isn't it?
You need more money in the pot, he needs to get out more...it seems the most obvious solution.

Also, with regards to men doing things with kids-I know a single dad who brought up his kid and he just got the hell on with it.
It's not that weird at toddler groups; I have known a few dads at these groups and it's only as uncomfortable as you make it.
The worst dads like that are the ones who act weird when you go and chat to them, because perhaps they are uncomfortable talking to women who they are not married to!
He has to just get over that.

It sounds like you are doing plenty of additional housey stuff and child centred stuff.
He sounds a bit lazy tbh.
Whoever suggest a bar job in a music venue-thats a great idea if he could get one.

Don't know what the problem with staying in bed til 8am is! I would if DS slept that late.

And DP and I always swap lie-ins on the weekend - maybe not til 1pm though, more like 10-11am.

I'd stop doing the ASDA shop OP, your DP should do that - he can either take your DD or do it online.

Of course he wants you to wash up. He shoves the chicken in, you get the fun bit of degreasing the pans! Who wouldn't want it that way!

Honestly, if this was a woman describing her SAHlifestyle, the vipers would be vipering.

You are basically working fulltime and doing about half of the housework (the shitty bits) Can't you see that?

and I also wanted to add that anyone staying in bed until 13.00 (unless they are ill) is ridiculous...that's half th eday gone! DH and I have a lie in each at the weekends but are both always up by 8 otherwise we end up doing nothign all day.

"The reason for this is DP cooks dinner so he wants me to wash up."

I don't get why he feels like that? As a SAHM, when my babies (twins now 5) were small, I really looked forward to handing them over to Daddy to bath after all day with them! Washing up while someone else took over with the babies was a break for me. If you've been out at work all day and haven't seen your DD, I think it's important that you get to bath her and put her to bed.

From what you've said, I get the feeling that your DP doesn't want to go out and work, but he doesn't want to fully embrace the role of SAHP either. He can't have it both ways.

Does he go out with dd during the day, Cat?

Could she go to a nursery/childminder for two days so he could work and have some adult company, independence and earn his fag money?

someone asked why DP is SAHD.

DP lost his job when dd was 3 months old. I went back to work almost immediately.

DP became the SAHP. he told me he was happy doing this and when I suggested nursery to him he said no.

Do you think that weekends are perhaps just more of the same for him though? Spending time as a family at the park - visiting relatives etc. Its a bit tame really, especially after a whole week of it. Its not the same as putting something nice on, going into town and going to bars or restaurants and the cinema.

I think maybe he's craving a bit of excitement every now and again. Could his mum not take DD on a Friday or Saturday night so you could go to a club or a restaurant and be a bit silly once or twice a month? Or have a little party at the house with your friends when DD is in bed?

Well, there are a whole load of issues here, and none of them easily sortedm but my suggestions are;

• DP gets a job in pub/club a couple of times a week. This gets him out socialising and gives him his own money.

• or he looks to get a full time job that covers cost of childcare for DD.

• You do somethings as a couple. Would MIL babysit once a month, so you could go out together. I think DP feels negelcted and bored, and until you listen and hear that, he'll still be feeling like that.

Bucharest, yes I can see that. I'm trying to remedy it.

Pjmama thats so true! I would rather unblock a loo with my bare hands than bath or play with DS some evenings

Would it be hard for him to get work?

It does sound miserable.

I get that your DP wants a break from the house, I totally get the need for a blow out once in a while, and I also understand that its not a nice feeling to be bringing in no cash (even if like me you view all income as family income) and having to ask for money, its easy for it to all start feeling like asking for permission... not nice.

However, I think if you agreed a weekly/monthly budget per person for 'spends' (or pocketmoney if you like, no issue with that so long as its an even split) which gets paid to both at the beginning of each month, there's no issue regarding 'can I have x amount?' and feeling from his PoV that he's coming to you cap in hand, also stops you feeling like a parent to a child.

I am a SAHP and it has its plus sides and negative sides, as I'm sure working full time has too.

I think rather than argue, you need to sit down and look at all your finances, and look at them as yours. You work out what you need, you work out a couple of family activities a month, you work out how much you'd like to jointly save, and you split the rest downthe middle (not always as simple as that).

A night out is considerably more costly than a gym membership, that's unfortunate! His stress buster is pricier than yours for less time. Neither DH nor I could afford to go out watching bands every weekend, there's just not enough cash. I suspect during the arguments, YAbothBU, though understandable, time to look at the facts in black and white and quit the merry go round rowing.

No one has ever taken dd for more than 1 hour, his parents are old and can't cope with her.

We've never been out without dd since she was born.

I agree you should have joint access to family money, it's a bit odd that you're giving him 'pocket money'. For the other stuff, I guess the important thing is that you have more or less equal leisure time. Though if he's spending more than you can afford on going to gigs etc every week, he might have to think about other ways of getting out of the house.

It does sound like he could be doing more in terms of household chores and responsibilities. Most SAHMs would be. Not sure what to say about you having to load the washing machine for him! In what sense is he 'doing the washing' then? He presses the 'start' button?

Do you have any idea what he does want? He doesn't seem very happy being SAHD, but was 'shocked' at the thought of getting a job. Most parents have to do one or the other, surely?

Honestly is this man really up to being a SAHP? He finds it stressful to take her out? So what, she has to stay in?

The benefit of nurseries, in my book, are nil if the child has a full life with a SAHP.....but perhaps yours would be better off in a nursery, socialising and having a varied life.

Hully, he has found it difficult to get jobs in the past. And I suspect he would find it difficult again.

It sounds like you do equal work so you should have equal money. If that's the case, it's all good. If not, you should be giving him the same amount you give yourself.

He needs to stop smoking, and get his arse into gear. Is he depressed?

I dont see why anybody would equate YOUR healthy lifestyle with HIS unhealthy lifestyle! Your gym membership is for your health, his smoking and trips to pubs is the opposite.

He seems lazy. Sorry. No trips to the park? No walks with his child?
Just tv and pottering at home? Does he smoke indoors with her?

I would send her to nursery two days a week, she needs stimulation!!
He needs to get a job. Lie ins till past midday? Is he a teen?

And you all need to spend quality time together and the weekend.