I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

[CatHairInMyFaceCream]

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him )
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

You're right Cat.

And now..go for it!

To be fair it doesn't sound like you both made a deliberate conscious decision for him to be a SAHD, more that he fell into it - you were due back at work, he had just lost a job, it probably made complete sense for him to stay at home and look after DD if he was going to be home/jobhunting anyway.

And a year down the line he's probably discovered he hates it and it's not what he thought it would be, or it's been for longer than he expected.

I think he needs a job (anything!) and DD needs formal childcare, and you can both reclaim your roles.

Maryz, I knew someone would pick up on that - funny that it's you. The voice of reason

What I meant by that is that I'd have to sort something out if I was doing it on my own, because that is just what I do, no time for moping around. Not being able to provide for dd is not an option.

In our current situation we cannot afford childcare, but if I was doing it on my own (without DP) then I'd have to find a way, whether that be going part time or moving back home for family help....

It was also said more along the lines of the physical doing of those tasks, not the financial aspect.

Vickles - loved your post! Thanks :)

He needs to find his BUZZ again.

Is he really genuinely happy being a SAHD? Maybe getting a job and putting your child into childcare would be a better solution all round.

Otherwise, he could always do some ebaying to raise extra cash.

Report my post all you want, Cat, but that's how you come across to me. Are you REALLY going to let your DP read this thread in which you speak of him in such demeaning terms?

I find at work you get the chance to vent to your colleagues but you are his colleague so the only one he can vent to hence the moods.

I went back to work for 2 mths before being made redundant (both of us were working) and can safely say it is easier working - if ds had been sleeping through (I bf so was up usually twice a night with ds) and I didn't live 30 miles from work (so had to be up at 5.30am as started work at 8am and had to drop ds off at nursety too)

I have sympathy with both of you- my DP has said that he finds being a SAHP emasculating and I find it hard to cope with the fact that he spends more time with DS than me - I am his mother and should be there more- and we knew what our roles were pre baby.

I don't understand why your DP doesn't leave the house - it is not fair on DD and surely he finds it depressing - my DP goes out most/all days-at least he sees other people. if he retrained/got a job this would help surely?

As a single person (ha!) I can see that a bit of honest and communication discussed in a nice atmosphere would go along way. As well as compromise, it also requires a real sense of "giving" to each other, and knowing what you both want ....

point taken Maryz.

it's not nice to be made to feel worthless.

I think I mentioned upthread, that I do ask him for input when updating our spends but he just seems uninterested.

Anyway, I've taken a lot from this thread, a lot of great advice and a great way of free counselling

It does sound like you are a very competent person OP. Which is really good, but perhaps you and your partner sort of bring out the worst in each other?
You find it hard to let go and let him get on with things, and feel exasperated when he doesn't do things the way you might, maybe?
And maybe your competence and can-do attitude makes him feel useless (which is in no way your fault, just the way it is sometimes)

I would do these things:

1. Stop loading the washing machine. Let him do the laundry.
2. Take the cooking and washing up in turns
3. Try not to criticism the way he does things, but hang back from doing stuff for him.
4. For God's sake find babysitting. What about a babysitting circle? It's easier to find these if you get out and about and meet other parents, so encourage him to do this. It is really important that you have time together.

5.When you do get time together try and talk to him properly about work options. It might be easier to talk if you are both relaxed.

I agree that he has sort of fallen into the role of sahp, and not really chosen it.
He sounds very passive, which would drive me nuts, but if you want to persevere with him, things sound like they need to change A LOT.

And on the subject of getting out of the house, when I was a new parent on Income Support I had very little money, but we were out every day, rain or shine, because I would have gone nuts otherwise. Really really nuts.

Hello, I've read all of this with great interest. I'm on mat leave at the mo and some days when DH gets in he's the first adult I've spoken to all day so I can be a bit crazy. What's really helped me is going out together for coffee/whatever on w/e getting out of the house seems to make talking so much easier and makes me a bit less cookoo!

I think printing a mortgage budget planner off the internet will help you draw up the budget and see how much is free.

We've always had a joint account and it makes talking about money/budgeting much easier as it starts from a level playing field.

Anyone said it yet, leave the bastard?

You find it hard to let go and let him get on with things, and feel exasperated when he doesn't do things the way you might, maybe?
And maybe your competence and can-do attitude makes him feel useless (which is in no way your fault, just the way it is sometimes)

This is me!

And me!(That's how I know!)

Jesus, let the man have a night out before his balls fall off.

You need to have the same amount of time 'off'. So for example, if he gets 3 hours a day, so should you. At the moment you sound like you are doing more than your fair share. Would it not be better for you both to have a whizz round for an hour sorting bills/ironing etc and then sit down together?

How much is your gym membership? Plus all your other small extra additions? Give him the same amount to cover fags and a pint out. Could he work in a pub for a couple of nights a week to get a bit of extra money in? Another way would be to put some money aside for a rainy day, then split the remaining money in half.

Also he needs to do more things with her outside the house - walks, cafes, paddling, parks, playgroups, music groups, picnics, swimming, food shopping, library visits, soft play, bus rides etc. Can he meet other stay at home dads? Friendships can make it more fun for him. Can you set a budget for other midweek activities? What is it he finds hard about taking her out?

I am impressed with the advice from everyone

Sorry but I think you do far far more than you should and if you do all that ,work FT and are there for your DD you shouldnt really be looking to sort out his happiness as well

He sounds self indulgent and entitled to me

agree with competent v non competent person.

the competent person begins to take over, becuase if they don't nothing gets sorted.

the non competent person gets resentful, then the competent person starts to resent them.

catch 22.

i think it very slowly ended my marriage.

oh and if the non competent person is also a lazy saggitarius git, it don't help one bit.

Isn't the issue that he hasn't told her what his budget is? As its not hte case that she doens't want to give him the cash, its that he won't be a grown up and name a budget. It's like he just wants to be told by her what they can afford so its not his resp, or have unlimited funds.

piratecat - odd that he is saggitarius!