Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

204 replies

CatHairInMyFaceCream · 10/01/2012 13:58

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him Hmm)
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

OP posts:
lborolass · 10/01/2012 14:12

When I was a SAHM I did way more than your DP does, I think in terms of work he isn't pulling his weight.

I think £50 for a night is too much if you don't have the money and I can't help judging that he also expects you to pay for his cigarettes.

PosieParker · 10/01/2012 14:12

Sorry, forget fair cost...can you afford for him to go and see a band once a fortnight?

What does he do with your child all day? Why is she in bed so late? Don't you think, like most fathers, you should bath the child you haven't seen all day?

entropyglitter · 10/01/2012 14:12

Oh yeah and he shouldnt have to ask you for money. He is has as much right to determine the family finances as you do.

Original poster
CatHairInMyFaceCream · 10/01/2012 14:12

Sorry if I'm not keeping up with everyone.

DP has access to the money, it's just that he chooses not to get involved. I have a budget which I update daily and I always include him on spends etc. he just nods and goes back to whatever it is he was doing.

I don't want to come across as someone who is giving 'rewards' for looking after our child though, that is not how I meant it to come across.

He is unhappy doing what he's doing and I don't think I can do anymore to be honest. Physically, Financially, Emotionally...

I keep banging my head against a brick wall.

OP posts:
carrotsandcelery · 10/01/2012 14:12

You should each have an equal amount of "pocket money" to spend on the gym, pub, gigs etc and be free to spend it how you choose (within reason). He shouldn't be humiliated into having to ask for it. He should either have direct access to the joint pot or he should have a direct debit into his account for his spending money.

PosieParker · 10/01/2012 14:13

As for loading a washing machine, he is a grown up, right? With one child at home can't see why you're doing the ironing or why he can't clean the WHOLE house.

ivykaty44 · 10/01/2012 14:13

after the household bills are paid and shopping is accounted for, a white goods and breakdown pot - split the money you have left over 50% 50%.

if you want to spend your share on gym membership then so be it and if your dh wants to spend it on a night out then so be it.

carrotsandcelery · 10/01/2012 14:14

Sorry cross posts.

I am confused about what you are asking us then?

entropyglitter · 10/01/2012 14:14

And it would definitely be a good idea to quit smoking if possible. Thats just a general point.

Dozer · 10/01/2012 14:14

Are you ok with him being a sahd now or in the longer term? If not, would try to deal with that first. Sounds like you're not.

1pm is ridiculous time for a weekly lie-in!

He should be able to load the washing machine and do shopping in the day or online IMO.

Agree that money should be shared, cigarettes to be paid for from his share.

Original poster
CatHairInMyFaceCream · 10/01/2012 14:15

Cabin Fever - Yes! He says he finds it stressful taking her out.

Although he has just found a morning group - which he went to this morning for the first time and I believe it went well.

No other activities, In fact I am taking dd swimming on a Sunday mornings.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 10/01/2012 14:15

I would suggest if you do split what is left over it goes into single accounts - one for you and one for him. That way he never has to ask what he can spend or how much he can have and he will know you both have the same.

Dozer · 10/01/2012 14:16

If he's unhappy being at home he needs to get a job, as you've suggested.

Onlyaphase · 10/01/2012 14:16

If he is unhappy, then what does he want to do to make things better? Other than going out once a week, that is.

RitaMorgan · 10/01/2012 14:16

I agree with others that you should have joint access to the money.

Budget together, so that you have an equal amount of spending money - any money left after housing, bills etc just split 50/50.

Do you have an equal amount of free time?

entropyglitter · 10/01/2012 14:17

cat your last post is interesting!

It sounds like he is simply saying 'I want more free time and money'. I mean we all want that but how do we achieve it?

If that is more the case then again you cant make this better, he has to take responsibility and figure out how he can have what he wants without damaging the family budget/workload.

ViviPru · 10/01/2012 14:17

You should each have an equal amount of "pocket money" to spend on the gym, pub, gigs etc and be free to spend it how you choose (within reason).

^EXACTLY that. Surely that is the only^ fair resolution?

But now you've said that this might be more about his general unhappiness with the current arrangement - intimating that it isn't something that an additional £22 a week on his leisure spends is going to remedy?

entropyglitter · 10/01/2012 14:17

next to last post gah

Onlyaphase · 10/01/2012 14:17

Well, yes it can be stressful taking toddlers out. But they need to go out, and it does get easier.

RedHotPokers · 10/01/2012 14:19

I will be the first to be Shock, not just about the 8am wake up (very Envy) but the fact that you and your lie-in til 11am or even 1pm on the weekend! Do you actually do anything as a family, or just spend the weekends doing childcare shifts/sleeping??

Re. workload, it sounds reasonable to me, although if I were you I'd probably want to reverse things a bit so that your DP clears up after dinner and you bath your DD. Also, why can't your DH go to the supermarket in the day with DD, or you have it delivered, so you can get home earlier. I would think it would be sensible to maximise both your chilling out evening time, then you wouldn't feel the need to spend the weekend in bed Grin.

Re. money, the only fair way to do it IMO is work out your outgoings and then split the remainder 50/50 to be spent as you each wish. Giving 'pocket money' is not on in this day and age!

carrotsandcelery · 10/01/2012 14:19

It is fair that during the time that you are both in the house that you both share the jobs.

It is harder for a man to go to a toddler group etc than it is for a woman. These places continue to be mostly full of women and on the whole they are more likely to speak to other women. He will have to work a bit harder to chat to people and form friendships. It is also less likely that he will be invited round for coffee so your dc can play with their dc as some women would feel a little awkward being alone in the house with a man they don't know well. Things like this will be stressful (and they are stressful for mothers as it is)

It is great that he is going and doing well at them.

adinaabfab · 10/01/2012 14:21

Its both your money, why don't you have a joint bank account that he can access freeley? Hmm Balance seems ok, apart from the Asda shop and you getting up in the night. He can rest in day if needs be.

Original poster
CatHairInMyFaceCream · 10/01/2012 14:21

Thanks for all the replies so far, i've read up to 14.14.

We need to look at out budget. It is our money, you are all right. He is always made aware of our financial situation.

He moans that I don't do enough.

He resents my time out of the house - while at work.

I think the split the remaining funds 50/50 a great idea. Spend on what you wish and when it's gone it's gone.

OP posts:
carrotsandcelery · 10/01/2012 14:22

RedHotPokers - I agree "Pocket Money" is the wrong word and sounds patronising - hence the inverted commas. I can't think of a word for it though Blush Hopefully my point comes across though.

ArtVandelay · 10/01/2012 14:22

I'm a SAHM. Sometimes I do feel like if I don't go out with my friends and get a bit tipsy and have a giggle I will go insane or run away. I go out about once a fortnight alone but we also have people come to the house to see us together or go out together to other peoples houses.

I think you need to make more effort to make the time when you are in the house a bit more jolly, with having friends round etc. Your DP definitely needs to carve his own routine and outings during the day as well. I'm not a big fan of playgroups but I think they do me and DS a lot of good and just meeting people or going to different shops, library etc gives you something to talk about with the working parent.

The set up with chores and things sounds very fair but it doesn't sound like you do much together.

Swipe left for the next trending thread