I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

[CatHairInMyFaceCream]

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him )
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

So how about a drinks party at home? I definately think you should look into a babysitter - even if its once every two months its better than this.

He sounds very unmotivated and down - I get like this every now and again with SAHPing. Mind you, its not your job to make him happy. Could you discuss him having some goals and how you can support him in that? PT study, PT job, set up own business, that kind of thing.

Ok.

You have got into a Rut. You and he both. What is needed is a dramatic shake-up of this grim existence for all of you.

You need to work out what you would both like life to be like, and then work out how to get there. Together. Find a babysitter and go out and talk to each other.

I want your life! You have a great career, a tidy house and a happy, healthy child.
Yes it's hard work at times, but you get sleep, you have money... what was the problem again?

If you seriously think £50 on a night out is too much, then it needs to eithe rbe cheaper or happen less often. End of.

Only skim read, but one thing is glaringly obvious OP, he needs to find a job, one which takes him out of the home, and gives him back that part of his life which he's craving.

Maybe he just needs some gentle encouragement?

Quint you have reminded me, my cousin in the UK gets a free morning per week at nursery for her 20mo - its a universal benefit I believe. Look into that - he could use the time to do something for himself.

He does not smoke indoors with her. he smokes outside.

Sorry if I've not answered anything. Threads move fast :)

Interesting responses from everyone. I'm nodding in agreement with most.

he needs his own money, I need to bath dd, we need to spend more time doing intersting things during the weekend, he needs to take dd out during the day more - they both need fresh air.

I think the problem is not with the division of labour, which sounds ok to me, but with the management of money. I think you need a fixed arrangement by which you and your DP each have a certain sum of money (whatever your budget allows) to spend on luxury items each month. For you that might include gym fees, but also meals out, coffees, makeup, magazines, whatever -and for him would include pub visits, fags, makeup, magazines, whatever!

Both DH and I work PT and from home, but I do the vast majority of the childcare, while he contributes more financially (our actual income from working varies but is not that unequal; however, he has other sources of income which provide the bulk of our total income, IYSWIM). For a very long time during and after DD;s birth, I had no access to money, and had to ask him when I needed anything. It was an awful situation and made me feel very badly about myself as well as resentful towards the whoel situation (I shoudl add that DH was fine with giving me money for things I asked for, but the point was not having the access and also not having a clear picture of our financial situation in the first place so that I never knew when I was making a reasonable expenditure and when I was putting us closer to the poorhouse!

We are working on fixing this; have opened a joint account and DH and I are supposed to be (fear and procrastination stopping it, i think!) sitting down and creating a household budget together.

(I also want to make an impassioned defence of the lie-in! Someone posted above that adults don't get these...I say if you are able to get them, take them. My DH and I alternate, like you and your DP - I get Saturdays and he gets Sundays. On occasion I may use that time for something else, liek you, but still, it is 'my' time. You and your DP both work hard, and a lie-in can be very restorative. DD and I lived apart from my DH for the first six months of her life, and I had no lie-ins, and yes, I coped and that is the reality for many parents, but if you have a schedule and a partner to make a bit of free-time possible, one should not feel guilty for taking it. There.)

With fags at £5-6 a pack I bet he's spending a damn sight more on fags than you are on your gym membership every month.

Think the idea of getting a part-time job is the best - bochead suggested evening work in a music pub which I think is a brilliant idea. That would pay for his cigs too.

I think he needs to understand you would both have more money to spend if he didn't smoke.

I also think you do a lot more around the house than most out-to-work dads.

He doesn't seem to do a lot with your DD either - that'll have to change as she gets older. She can go to playgroup/nursery soon anyway, for a couple of days a week - so he will have more free time.

Trouble is, going out in the evening does cost money - even if he spent just £20 a week going to the pub on top of his smoking, that's going to be at least £40 a week, even if he's a light smoker. Or just over £2,000 a year - you could have a holiday for that.

To be honest, if he wants to get away from you and DD I think he should look for a job. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he sounds like a bloody teenager.

I cannot believe anyone lies in until 1pm EVERY SUNDAY!!!!!!

He wants to get away from you and dd??? Sounds like he needs to spend more quality time with you, do you ever go out as a couple without dd?

Why do you think he would find it difficult/stressful getting work? (sorry, am misquoting, can't remember exactly what you said)

I'd go against the grain here and not recommend at all working in a pub. He'd probably just drink his wages in after hours sessions. And you'd see even less of him than you do now, and he'd need even more lie-ins. And what happens when he's worked late in his pub and it's his morning with dd? Does she have to "lie-in" till dinnertime as well? No no no. Slept with too many barmen myself, that way madness lies.

snowmaiden - we never go out as a couple.

We have no one to mind dd.

Sorry have only read the OP as have to go on school run but why on earth do you not have a joint account? Why should he have to come to you cap in hand? His lay in in long but you probably spend an equal amount of time at the gym. I feel a bit sorry for him as he's stuck in the house A LOT. It must do his head in. This is partially up to him to change though as there is no reason why they can't go out and about during the day.

How old is he? (genuine question, not being sarky) Because he does sound very young.

Bucharest

He is a FLT driver, and has always found it difficult to find work - he was unemployed more than he was employed to be honest.

This was not for the lack of trying though.

He's 42

My dd is 8 and dp and I have never been out as a couple without her.

That's because I am an anti-people person who likes to be in my jammies by 5pm though.

I'm 30

So his SAHD status is more by circumstance than design. I think this is key here.

"He told me he was happy doing this and when I suggested nursery to him he said no."

Also key. He has made a choice here. Perhaps you need to revisit those decisions.

Bottom line, how would he answer this question:

Are you happy being a SAHD?

HE IS 42?

Can you not get a babysitter so you can go out together once a month? Even just for a couple of drinks or the cinema?

I can understand him not being keen on toddler groups - DP is at home with DS one day a week and can't be persuaded to go to groups, softplay etc. However 17 month old DS goes nuts if he is inside all day, so they always at least go to the park, the shops or the library together.

Fork Lift Truck driver? Seems awfully specific. Are there not related jobs he could look into?

Bucharest - that is what I'll ask him this evening.

yes Hully - he's 42, unbelievable hey?

For all his faults, I have not made this easier on him. He feels humiliated.

I have always been the 'fixer' I do everything really, organise everything. he is used to that.

Christ I even put out dds clothes every morning (at his request)

He would be more independant if I gave him the independance he needed.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

TBH, this part raises some red flags to me. (personal experience, unfortunately)
He doesn't seem to want to be at home but at the same time he doesn't seem to want to contribute towards the finances, just to have money and expensive time off.
I would agree that an expensive hobby is not on if your disposable income is limited.
Has he ever considered working from home, or even childminding?

Is he a SAHD because he wants to or because he has been "forced" to?

I am older than him.

Listen, he's 42, no great prospects, smokes, wants more pocket money to go out drinking, likes to get hammered and have a really long lie in, makes you do more shit chores than a SAHM would, doesn't take dd out and about (a real biggie)...er, what are his good points?

What will he do when dd goes to school?