I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

[CatHairInMyFaceCream]

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him )
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

H sounds like he's in a proper rut. You need to get DD into a nursery at least a couple of days a week. As a FLT driver he's not going to earn much anyway for a couple of days a week, but at least it would get him out of the house and give him back some self-respect.

He could earn more money as a multi-drop delivery driver.

Don't kick yourself too hard, I think he is projecting a lot of his dissatisfaction at how his choices are panning out on to you.

You all need to go out as a family... not because its all fresh air and birds whistling, but because actually its then NICE to come back home.

As a SAHM I have to be out of the house often, because even though I (semi) chose this life, doing the same thing in the same place 24/7 with the same people is rather dull/frustrating/depressing, even if they're people you rather like. I LIKE seeing my kids and DH with a different back drop!

Oh yes, other jobs in that area - which he has applied for in the past.

he did contact the local nursing home to see if the residents needed evening entertainment (for free) they already had someone...

the nursing home did actually advertise for 'an entertainer' he didn't just phone up expecting an audience

It sounds like neither of you is happy. I'd work on that, including a discussion on his future prospects and joint responsibility /planning re the finances. And he should stop having those long lay-ins and get up to spend more time with the two of you.

Does your DP feel that he can't go out because he can't afford to or that he isn't allowed to? And are you questioning the money because you can't afford to give it to him, because you don't want to becasue of how he will spend it or because you don't think he has earned it,
DP is SAHD too and i appreciate where you are coming from - he does get a fixed amount of money a month for himself as well as access to a joint account/credit card as i think that is fair. I do question our work/life balance as well (and I look at yours with envy!)- but some of that is coloured by the fact that part of me would have liked the chance to be a SAHM and so I find his complaints/whinges difficult to deal with. Do you think that you are a bit jealous of his time with DD?

sleepy - yes that is helpful.

The dishwasher thing is a no go but the rest of your suggestions would work.

All in all a good balanced response from everyone. Cheers

tomver - yes i suspect I do brush off his comments as whinges, the same way he brushes off my tough day comments.

We are both envious of the others lifestyle - and have forgotten how to converse properly.

I take a deep breath every evening before I step in the door because I do not know what I'll be met with in terms of his moods.

I was harsh with him last week - which started the current period of not talking I said that I could do my job, have dd in nursery, do the chores, do dinner and still have a smile on my face at the end of the day.

Shitty comment, I know. But I believe it to be true. I have always been known to just get on with things with minimum fuss, I don't see why others can't.

it is hard being a sahm let alone a sahd - can see from his perspective feeling awkward going out like someone else said it can be daunting for dads
nursery would be a very good idea a few days a week.
i find it very awkward in social situations.
i have just started doing betteware as well as being A sahm which has really helped me have an interest - i was taking dd2 with me she will ne 3 in a wk. she has just started going to nursery 3 half days a wk so i do betteware on my own now.
dd1 is 6 and at school
even though i earn i find it hard not having much money and frequently end up asking dh for money he works full time 8-7pm he is out of the house
i get in the shower @ 7:30am then i get girls dressed. dh does girls breakfasts while i am in the shower and does dd1s breakfast for school.
i hoover in the day, do washing up , look after dd2, do washing, keep house tidy. in the evening i do dinner and wash up and do girls bedtime and baths

You don't want to be the sole provider any more, do you? Your child is old enough to go into nursery. Your husband's career prospects aren't going to improve unless he puts a plan in place. I think you'll both be much happier when he is no longer facing long-term unemployment, but is working towards getting back to work. He sounds like a perpetual child himself.

Agree with everyone has said you need to address the bigger issues, his general dissatisfaction with life etc. Your last post 15.39 re dreading walking in the door because of his moods, well, to put it bluntly, your DD has no choice but to endure that all day, and that is not good, and needs resolving.

I know when I was on mat leave, even if I had had a mediocre or OKish day, I still needed to hand DD to DH as he walked in the door, and he did everything from then onwards (6pm so bath, bottle, bed). I was still busy then, I tidied everything up, made tea, and by the time he came down just after 7 we would have a G&T together and eat dinner. That was 'our time' and we established it by the time DD was about 7 weeks old and has saved our marriage/sanity I think. After that, we share the clearing up and any other jobs, doing them together, chatting, sometimes about serious stuff, sometimes about ridiculous things, and we're often laughing and joking together etc. It's pleasant adult time, we watch a bit of TV, read etc. if we want to. I would say we both have between 8pm and 10pm (when we usually go to bed) which is basically 'free' time and we spend most of it together. Now I'm back at work it does feel more balanced re time with DD etc. and we share the bathing etc.

I have to say (and again my only experience is mat leave) is I think I would have been a bit aghast if I was at home with DD all week and then DH wanted 2 nights and one morning at the gym. I would want to ensure I had the same amount of time for me too and that would have an impact on the amount of time we could spend together as a couple.

I think there are a number of separate issues which are kind of separate but inter-linked:

• your relationship
• his dissatisfaction with his job/SAHD status (part of this is what he does/doesn't do with DD in the daytime, and this needs addressing sooner rather than later as it's not fair on her)
• money
• freetime

I think resolving the second one would help with the others to be honest.

Sorry for long post.

D

G1nger, I want to work, that I know for sure.

I also want DP to be happy, whether that be dd in nursery and him in work, or dp as sahd getting out more and having his own money.

I just want to stop feeling guilty for not doing enough - when it appears from the comments here that I actually do more than my fair share.

He ooozes resentment these days, it's horrible

You sound very lovely for that response.

Have you asked him how he can resent you when he's doing nothing to work towards his future, whatever that might be?

I also think that every SAH parent needs to ask themselves whether a professional childcarer could do a better job than them. Is your daughter not sensing his resentment too? How does she feel being cooped up indoors so much?

if he is a musician could he tutor/teach ?

we all have days like your other half... i'm sahm to 3 kids.. and although little my oldest is at school, middle is at preschool 9-12 most days, and just have little baby boy.... i ooze resentment!!! silly i know... but, sometimes it can be really hard, as it never stops and i just feel that everyone wants a piece of me!!!! i don't feel it all the time, just sometimes ... so, i get dark and gloomy some nights... and pout and strop.. but, then, the next day.. i feel so lucky and really happy to be playing the role i'm playing.

you, (and my husband) are able to get out from the family unit for hours and get to truly switch off... yes, it's stressful, and hard and tiring working full time - i know, i used to work full time before kids.... but, i do envy that my husband can switch off from being a daddy and husband for big chunks of the day!

and, i know that my husband even sometimes resents his work and resents my life - it's rare, and we have talked about it. but i know deep down, he LOVES his job and he's is brilliant at it... and he gets rewarded and a real buzz from it! i think that's the key here... BUZZ!!!

where is your other half getting his buzz from???? sounds to me that his buzz/mojo has gone!!!!!

sorry, i haven't read all replies.. but you mentioned your other half wanted to do some entertainment somewhere... how about he tried contacting the local theatre and get involved with amateur dramatics?? i have been doing it for years and has really helped boost my confidence and i've met people and it's really given me that all important buzz!!! even if it's behind the scenes or just helping in someway, it might be the key to him feeling happier.

also, as your little one is still very young, he/she hasn't got their own little social life yet... but, when they join preschool or school, their's the committee or the pta... and that's been a fab way to meet people and get a buzz.. helping the community....

those, are all the ideas i can think of now.... but, if he really is unhappy, and he just can't seem to snap out of it... maybe it's time you two sit down and change things.... job for him, and nursery for little one, doesn't have to be full time, but he won't know what's out there until he begins looking.

i'm a firm believer of one door shutting and another one opening and being in the right place at the right time. little one is so little, but they will be going to preschool and school in a few years, so what will he do then? so, why wait to find out? put a few feelers out.. and see.

i'm sure everything will work out for you all.... hang in there, and talk about it, the pair of you and be honest....

we all know little things can add up into big thing.... so, maybe, have some time out from the everyday mundane stuff.... and all 3 of you go to center parcs for the weekend.... and pop little one in the buggy and have some lovely walks and TALK.... you could even put little one in the creche there for up to 3 hrs.... they've got some good deals about at the moment....

i wish you well with everything... let us know how you get on...x

One of my friends DH 'decided' to be a SAHD but doesn't really want to either, he just doesn't want to work.

IMO, if you are the SAHP, you do the majority of the home-stuff.

Your DP is behaving a little bit like a childminder, babysitting your DD while you are at work but then leaving the rest to you, clothes/organisation/bedtime.

I think he needs an outside interest. Although you bring in the money, there is a social side to work that he does not have which creates isolation for him (or any sahp).
Especially as he has had trouble finding/keeping work in the past, he would benefit from some pt work, volunteering or training to enable him to keep up a CV so he can get into work when your DD goes to school. Then hopefully he wont need to spend as much money on a social life. He is thinking about his social life pre DC and really needs to get out of that mindset and realise things have changed for you all financially.

totally uncalled for Russell - I've reported your post.

no need for namecalling

I feel sorry for him, for you, but most of all for your dd.

From the way you portray him, he seems very disinterested. In you, his child, his life, his potential, his future.

He is a 42 year old drifter who right now have drifted in to a sahd role that does not give him satisfaction, that he does not appear to do particularly well, and he wants to go out and listen to bands, drink and have pocket money.

If that was MY dp, I would have chucked him out long ago. But you appear to love him and wants this to work, so I dont honestly know what to suggest.

If he does not want to work, then what can you do?
He seems to realize that the only viable option is to stay home with his child. Sending her to nursery is a big no because then he has no reason to be at home all day!

Is this what you want for your dd in her life?

Would he think about retraining maybe, either going to college or doing something through the OU? If he could get some funding for it your DD could go to nursery a couple of mornings while he studies.

He's stuck in a rut, and he feels worthless I suspect.

This thread has given me the opportunity to really evaluate our living arrangements.

FWIW DD has all the love in the world, we want what's best for her - if a little misguided.

Now that I know what we need to do, we can make a start can't we?