I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

[CatHairInMyFaceCream]

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him )
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

I'm also a bit surprised that DH sleeps on regular basis til 1pm, does he go to bed really late?

Can you split your personal spending money (we have a personal budget and a children's budget) and physically give it to him (to cover smoking). Then he's free to save it for his 50 pound night outs (which is excessive if he wants it weekly). He can go out once/thrice a week but it doesn't have to cost that much every time. DH would often go and eat dessert somewhere (IHOP) or go to the cinema. Sometimes just walk around listening to music or pop into bookshops/library.

I had to insist on DH taking DD to playgroups/classes but he liked them once he started and realised he didn't have to speak to other people.

There's a slight hint of "i earn the money" about your post.

You should both have equal amounts of disposable income to spend on non essentials.
He shouldn't be having to ask. Work out a monthly budget for all outgoings including holidays, xmas,r birthdays, travel expenses, dc's activities as well as bills, stick that in a seperate account and

split the rest 50/50.

Also you spend a lot of time apart. Are theiir funds for dc to go to pre-school/nursery one morning a week? For me, as a SAHM, it's been a lifeline.

I've done the stressy job and I can categorically state that being at home with kids is a million times harder mentally. Giving myself a breathing space in the week (fully supported by my DH) means I am more engaged at weekends.

I kind of get his need to escape -.but there sounds to be a lot of resentment and anger in the way he says it. You also sound knackered and frustrated. No gps who could have the kids so you could lie in together?

picak it's probably more that she organise's the money rather than earns it. I still control all the money now DH is back at work and I'm the SAHP (for the time being)

sounds like he's doing well... toddler groups are a bugger (often worse for a man) Can you direct him into the path of the library bounce and rhyme and storytime stuf IME they were much easier.

But is the actual problem that his not happy being a SAHD and doesn't know how to say?

He probably resents your time out of the house as he will be lonely. It is lonely being a SAHM and lonelier being a SAHD. He is then on his own 2 evenings a week as well and on a Saturday morning. It is reasonable that you go but you do need to bear it in mind that he has been on his own even more.

He will be missing time with men like him. Are you in a heavily populated area or a small community? In a city you have a greater chance of finding a SAHD group of some sort. I can see that he would benefit from a night out with some male friends etc. If I were him I would feel a bit blue. Toddlers are lovely but you still need adult company.

Is he interested in Dadsnet?

carrots - sorry that wasn't a dig at you!! I only just noticed you'd used the same phrase. It was a comment on the OP.

I agree that a large part of the problem is to do with your DP's day with your DD. My DH is a SAHD to our DS (2), and they do the following:

Toddler group twice a week (at which there are other SAHDs)
Playground probably once a day
Trips to town, supermarket, gardens, library, museum, cafes... Most of this is free/very cheap/chores that need to be done anyway.

They have a nice time together.
Saying that, DH also has a bit of a social life - plays on a football team, goes to cinema etc. He also does freelance work every so often and studies PT in the evenings. If he was at home all the time he would go crazy!

I'm not trying to be smug as I know it can be harder for SAHDs and your DD is little still but I can understand why your DP is feeling like he is - sounds like he needs some time for himself AND some more interesting time with your DD. Money/household chores don't seem the main issue TBH, although he could definitely load the washing machine!

After I'm home from the gym on a Saturday we all go out as a family, to the park, to visit relatives, for lunch etc.

Sunday (late) afternoons are spent at his mothers having Sunday lunch.

Agreed about the bath time with dd. I'll start that from now on.

Tbh I think toddler groups are really difficult for men, unless they are super outgoing and confident (and in touch with their feminine side ).

I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a dad at local toddler groups, over the past 5y.

If he is THAT unhappy, could he go to work pt and your DD go into nursery pt. Even if it just paid for the nursery, but made a difference to him, it would be worth it iMO.

Oh the point about DP going top bed late. Yes. I go to bed around 10pm. he stays up until after midnight most nights.

Although on a Saturday night - he sees this as his blow out - he comes to bed around 3am. So that explains the long lie.

I wasn't upset Red - it is the wrong phrase anyway and I knew it - I just couldn't think of a better one.

Why don't you bath your daughter?

I can understand your DH having a blow out on ans saturday night, hence the need for a really long lie in. As a SAHM who doesn't really do anything apart from DCs and house and mumsnet I feel the need to let my hair down once a week by drinking a bottle of wine on a sunday night and having a day 'off' on a monday. wild

I don't see that the money is that much of an issue tbh. Neither of you is spending shedloads. But if you need to budget, then budget.

I find it far more weird that you all slop round in bed till 8 in the week and lord knows when at weekends and both of you seem far more concerned with your "me" time bollix than looking forward to the weekend so you can all do something nice together. He is, as others have said, also doing far far less in the home than your bogstandard SAHM would be doing. From your posts it seems like he just puts a few things on shelves and whacks a chicken in the oven. Hell, I do more than that and am a positive slut when it comes to housekeeping.

He's not happy with this situation is he? You sound resentful, he sound sulky. You say he resents you being at work but doesn't want to work himself. Er, what does he want exactly????? For the money tree to grow at the end of the drive?

What is he going to do with his iddle self when your child goes to nursery? Or school? Watch Flog it all day?

It just doesn't look to me like anyone is getting anything positive out of the current set up. How much cbeebies is your daughter watching? A heck of a lot I imagine.

Is he an enforced SAHD or did he volunteer?

Why don't you do bathtime?

Why doesn't he access money from a joint account - he shouldn't have to ask for money.

I bath our DD3 often because DH doesn't get in until 7 but as you get in much earlier I would have thought you would want to.

Thanks for all of this.

I understand the "humiliation" to ask for money. He needs his own cash.

Whats wrong with getting up at 8? Don't be silly.

I think he should do more housework as part of his role - the ironing and the loading of the machine as 99% of SAHMs would do. Doesn't seem fair that you come home to do it while he's watching telly.

I also think the lie-in/getting up time could be re-thought in terms of available time, depending on how well yr dc sleeps at night of course. I think it's quite a luxury to be able to get up only at 8am Mon-Fri, if either of you had a normalish longer commute/earlier start time and also when dc starts school this would have to change anyway.

It does sound like he/you all need a bit more fun in yr lives though, w/e trips and for him as others have said definitely taking dc out of the house once a day - park/playgroups/swimming etc, he'd enjoy it much more too and meet others.

Btw- dp also has a blow out on a Saturday, which he pays for on Sunday- by getting up with us, and being together as a family, on the one day we are all together. It's kind of the price you pay for being a grown-up. That the hangovers are done with a child hanging on your leg and lying in bed till dinnertime is now't but a fond memory.

"The money you each spend on your own hobbies ect should be equal, whether its for the gym or a night out you get the same as each other each month."

I'm actually not in complete agreement about that. In our case dh is a member of the rowing club. He needs to do it, he goes mad without it and is a pain in the arse to have around . I would love, love, love to learn an instrument which would cost about the same but we simply cannot afford it. I don't think it should be a case of he can't because I can't. Allocating the money he spends on rowing to be split between us would not get either of us a hobby.

Anyway, that aside, in this case neither the op nor her dp seems happy with the situation. Firstly, your dp needs to go out with your dd and attend things with her, there are actaully quite a lot of dads who go to groups and it will do both hima nd her a lot of good to be out seeing people and not in the house all day.

Secondly. Yes, he needs time away from her. That can be you taking her out at the weekend or him joining something. But he needs to grow up a little and decide on something realistic that he can do.

Money. He needs to have some control over his own budget an dnot need ot ask. Doesn't matter if you do it as a montly direct debit to jis account or by having a joint account. In my case dh gives me money each month by direct debit. This money is mine to spend as I please and is based on what I need for the dcs (groups, school dinners, bus fares/petrol to go places) and my own clothing/socialising money as well as general household shopping.

You waste most of the weekend sleeping in. If he wnats to spend time without the dcs then he needs to be out of bed and doing something without your dd not sleeping it away.

Up to you both what you can or can't afford. What does strike me though is that you go to the gym. Is that necessary? How much does it cost? Can you get your exercise/social time a cheaper way by perhaps running once a week and doing a local zumba/yoga/aerobics class once a week to free up some money for him to indulge his hobby?

What I'd say though is that there is a difference between a hobby or exercise and wanting ot go to a gig and have a pint. A gig/drinking in my mind is socialising and not quite the same thing. Either way though he needs to have a fair budget so he can decide what to do, be it go for a gig every couple of months or join a group on a more regualr basis.

I would be very irritated with dh if he expected to go to the gym 2 evenings and Saturday morning. By your OP you go out 3 x a week (including Saturday morning) and he goes out 1 x a month.

It all sounds very grim.

Russel - i do bath my daughter. although not always.

The reason for this is DP cooks dinner so he wants me to wash up. DP bathes dd while I clear the table and wash up.

I often go upstairs into the bathroom while dd is having her bath.