I need a hard faced AIBU'er to read my situation and give it to me good!

[CatHairInMyFaceCream]

DP & I seem to be arguing over our 'roles' and I'd like some ideas/perspective/ or even to figure out if I am in the wrong and should perhaps try to do more.

I work Mon - Fri 9.30am to 5pm in a challenging job.

DP is SAHD. Has been ever since dd was 4 months. She's now 15 months.

DP looks after dd (who can be a challenge), does most home chores and does dinner.

This is a typical day.

8am wake up. I go straight into shower and get ready for work while DP gets dd and himself breakfast. I don't have breakfast. I tidy upstairs, make bed etc then leave for work around 9ish.
DP spends all day in the house with dd, he plays, entertains, sits her in front of cbeebies, and keeps the downstairs tidy - by this I mean the kitchen & living room. He also does any washing. (But he needs me to load the machine for him )
On the days I'm not going to Asda for shopping. I get home around 6pm. Dinner is almost always prepared. (Sometimes it's a bung in the oven, sometimes it's a prepared dinner - depends what we have in)
After we eat DP bathes dd while I tidy away dinner dishes and do a general tidy up.
I then get dd dried and into pj's, have a play around with her, then I take her to bed, while DP watches TV.
This is all normally done for around 8pm/8.30pm.
So, when dd is sleeping, DP watches TV while I MN, iron, or sort bills and cashflow or in most cases we both watch TV together.
If dd wakes, I go to her. If she wakes in the night I go to her. DP is a heavy sleeper.

The money we have is spent on household bills, food, anything for dd, DP's ciggarettes, fuel for my car, weekend wine and beer and the odd lunch out or takeaway.

I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and a Saturday morning. The evenings are at 9pm when dd is fast asleep and the Saturday morning is instead of my lie in. (which has only ever been until 11am at the latest)

DP has a long lie (til about 13.00pm) every Sunday. He goes to the pub at least once a month to watch footie or such like.

DP moans that he spends too much time in the house and wants to get out "to get away from me and dd" which I have no problem with. he's into his music, I tried encouraging him to join a local music group - he never bothered, I mentioned that he might want to get a part time job - he was shocked I'd even suggested that (fair enough), instead he wants money to go out into town each week to go to a gig, or have a pint, again I have no problem with but it's not just £20 it's at least £50!

I think this is excessive, especially when we are just getting by on what I earn.

He also feels like he never has any money and doesn't like to ask - which I understand so I've asked him how much he needs per month (but also stated that this money would have to include his ciggarrettes) I'm still waiting on an answer.

I suppose what I'm asking is... AIBU? Am I shirking on my duties? Should I be doing more?

How can I resolve this.

I plan to let DP read this.

He should be out the house more, it would cost a fortune for child care if you both worked, Id suggest he smokes tobacco it cut my smoking costs by 2/3rds.

You work go to the gym and he gets no out of he house time at all other than Sundays? Just how much does your gym cost?

Go home this evening, had dinner, I bathed dd while DP tidied, I then played with her for a while once she was in her jammies then I took her to bed at 8pm.

We have discussed all the points raised on this thread, I apologised for the humiliation I may have caused him by keeping hold of the purse.

We've agreed the following:

Monthly direct debit to him for an agreed amount. This should cover smoking and nights out. He said he doesn't need to go out every week, I told him he could go out as often as the funds allowed.
Following todays successful trip to the local toddler group - he is taking her on a weekly basis.
He will also do the shopping and take dd out to the park etc on a daily basis
When I get home from work I will take over with dd - bath, jammies, bedtime etc.
I will still go to the gym and continue with my weight loss.
He still wants me to deal with the money and our utilities and paying the bills.
We have agreed to sit down and understand our budget together.

Long way to go but all in all this thread has been a massive help.

Thanks all.

Fabby - said upthread gym cost £30.50

cat, i just sense these things!!

it's all i know tho, so it was just a shot in the dark!

Wow, OP, that's great that you've managed to talk about all that so soon. I wish you and your DH all the best in your new way of doing things.

Pirate you are genius.

Cats, can you answer truthfully - do you think he is lazy? But you can't express that because he'd get hurt/ angry? So you never get to address whether he actually IS lazy .....but you think he is?

I'm a sahm and can't stay in the house for more than 2 days without going loco. Your dh needs to get out! Going to music group, the library, feed the ducks, grab a coffee, do the food shopping. Having a structure to my week gives me a sense of purpose and stimulates the children. Yes, it's daunting initially sbut you don't get better at doing something by not doing it!

I agree with a previous poster that you are clearly very competent and are doing your fair share. I do wonder though if you are also quite controlling? Loading the washing machine for your dh? How would that do anything other than send the message to him that you don't think he's capable of doing it himself? Also the intense control over finance sends a red flag to me, I can see that you are on a tight budget but he is an adult and needs the opportunity to decide for himself how to spend 'his' money - allocate spending money and he can choose for himself. I'd be very unimpressed if my dh went to the gym three times a week. He has no adult company, not healthy.

Agree with other posters that you akso need to schedule time together on your own out of the house as a couple and as a family, go for a walk somewhere beautiful, doesn't need to cost anything - you need to get out of the house together and have some fun! It does sound as though you love each other but resentment and misunderstandings have built up over time. Nothing that can't be fixed, have a date night (even if it's at home) light some candles and turn the tv off - sit at the table to eat and talk about it.

X posts, great news, sounds like you've made fantastic progress!

The conversation started as an argument tbh, but we're very quick to curb it and discuss more rationally while dd is about. So we got her to bed and talked properly.

I do think he's lazy, but I also feel that it's because he lacks motivation (the BUZZ) which we also discussed last night.

I posted this thread yesterday because we'd been 'not speaking' since Saturday and I just wanted it sorted. So I suppose after all the advice on here I just went for it, and it helped that I started the (2nd) conversation by apologising and understanding why he felt the way he did.

The red flags some of you mention, the controlling behaviour etc, comes from my childhood - I need to be in control of the money, my mum was a gambler and I had to earn from a very young age in order to help my dad with food shopping etc - mum would gamble all our money away and we'd be left with hardly anything. I also had to give my siblings pocket money because dads budget didn't stretch that far....Not sure why I'm telling you all this, but I had a long hard look at myself during this thread and tried to figure out how I got here.

The washing machine thing is really not that big an issue though, he said he's do the washing as long as I loaded the machine - he always mixed whites with darks/colours so I suppose to save the grey knickers and pink blouses I just loaded the machine myself....

We both seemed happier this morning and got out of bed a little earlier too! I had breakfast with them which was nice :)

Go, Cat!

Sounds good.

the motivation thing is a killer. Being a SAHP is bloody boring and monotonous at times and it can be so, so hard to keep going and keep being motivated to do housework. Case in point I really should be doing the washing up right now as I need ot go get dd from nursery in half an hour.

For things like washing is it worth getting one of those washing baskets with a section for lights and another one for darks? That way it is already divided for him? My dh is actually quite good if I ask him to do something but he won't really touch washing as he is afraid of getting it wrong!

Nice one Cat, there's none of us perfect but it seems like you've been able to reach and agreement that still allows for both your faults/strengths. Lazy people aren't bad people, control freaks aren't either, maybe you are right for each other, completely complimentary and I'm sure there's more to both of you than just your self imposed 'headings'.

I'd say you've both got a good result there. Happy for you both.

i am in the same situaton as yours

firstly your hours aint that long sorry but 9.30-5pm is quite a reasonable day

I think YABU, he is grown man. You should give him money every months thats a fair 50% split of whats left over, and let him do what the hell he wants! then he has his XXX of personal cash and he can use it as he sees fit

I am just not clear on what your gripe is???

porca my gripe was how can I resolve our situation. He was obviously unhappy, i wanted to know what I could to to make things better, should I be doing more...

After a lot of discussions, and reading everyones POV we have established a way forward which we're both happy with.

I never said my hours were long.

OP I think you've done really well to address the issues so quickly. I hope now that you both have access to your own spending money that the feelings of resentment will sort themselves out.

I did wonder while I was reading your posts if your DP might be suffering from mild depression. I recognised a lot of the things - not doing much about the house, not wanting to go out, hating staying in, wanting to have free time away from family - as experiences I had when I had PND. Just something to bear in mind.

Thing is you get social interaction he gets none, he needs to go out not fair to sit in day after day with only a baby to talk to.

ah, I see. really that did not come across. anyway looks like you have addressed it. the housekeeping detail confused me!

I do think its hard for SAHPs, male or female. But esp hard for men, as its not an accepted "way", so they do get shit from some men. I take my hat off to them, really

Thanks AKMD, it did also cross my mind it's something I'll keep an eye on and hope to bring it up should he feel the same way in a few months after the positive changes.

FabbyChic - I hear what you're saying but what am I to do? I'm not stopping him from leaving the house, I've suggested various things to him. I can't help it that I have to work. Although I have suggested before that he get a job and I be the SAHP - he refused, knowing that his potential earnings at this stage would be less than our current income.

Don't you think the current resolution has been somewhat resolved already? Other than what I've already done, what else would you suggest?

*not resolution Fabby, I meant situation.

I am the sahm in this family, and we are on a tight budget. My days are mundane and child-oriented. I do more of the housework than your dp does, plus the bedtimes as well. I also get up in the night.

I would love to go out more and do more for myself, there are some local yoga classes I'd love to attend. But we simply can't afford it.

It's completely unrelated to who does the biggest share of housework and chores (you sound like you have a good balance between you, imo).

I don't resent my dh because I can't afford to do what I want, we're both in it together, and the fact that I'm a sahm mum means that there is less money to go around, simple as that.

On the other hand it is really hard not to have your own money to spend on what you want, so I defintely think he should have access to some money that doesn't have to be explained and is just for his personal use, whatever that amount may be, in proportion to what you can afford.

Just realised I missed a massive chunk of the thread and you've resolved it all.... ignore me!

I've been thinking about this overnight and wondered if you could try to find local family activities on a Saturday or Sunday? I know a few SAHDs and generally they have only started to go to groups without their partners once they knew people a bit. Our local Sure Start runs a family session once a month on a Saturday, and I think it's less nerve wracking for Dads to come along to that with their wives/partners and get to know a few faces before attending play groups in the week.

Also, when I was with ex-H, he would happily take the DC to a toddler swim session or mini gym, as he saw this as a useful activity for them to learn. He wouldn't go to toddler group as he saw that as more of a 'women having a gossip' thing.

Vickles

we all have days like your other half... i'm sahm to 3 kids.. and although little my oldest is at school, middle is at preschool 9-12 most days, and just have little baby boy.... i ooze resentment!!! silly i know... but, sometimes it can be really hard, as it never stops and i just feel that everyone wants a piece of me!!!! i don't feel it all the time, just sometimes ... so, i get dark and gloomy some nights... and pout and strop.. but, then, the next day.. i feel so lucky and really happy to be playing the role i'm playing.

you, (and my husband) are able to get out from the family unit for hours and get to truly switch off... yes, it's stressful, and hard and tiring working full time - i know, i used to work full time before kids.... but, i do envy that my husband can switch off from being a daddy and husband for big chunks of the day!

I agree with this hugely!