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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been such a jealous over reacting cow :( Should I say sorry???

201 replies

SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 12:20

Went to spend the New Year at a lovely cottage with two other families. Our DCs are the same age and we are close friends. All was well, barring minor irritants when I felt that the others were not pulling their weight and I was left with the majority of cooking and cleaning. I did not mind this too much as I am quite happy in the kitchen.

Then the other two wives went out for a looooong walk on the 31'st evening without informing me or inviting me. I waited for them to come back and say something to me. But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway.

At that instant I was consumed with such red rage (PMS ???) that I went upstairs and started packing up. I told my DH to inform the others that we were leaving due to some personal work. I was sure that if I stayed any longer I was going to scream at someone or start crying.

Then everyone came to our room and kept asking what the matter was. Finally, I told them that I was feeling left out and wasn't enjoying the break any more. The women said that while they understand my anger, they had just stepped outside for some fresh air and hadn't meant to be away for so long.

We stayed back but I spent most part of the evening sulking. In the morning every one behaved like nothing had happened the night before, were quite considerate and we went on to have two good days with each other.

Now that I have come back I am trying to analyse. Was my reaction unreasonable? Should I now say sorry for my massive over reaction? Or should I just try to forget this episode and try to make up by inviting them over for dinner etc.? These are our closest family friends!

Please please, please do respond as I am going bonkers right now. DH is asking me to let it go but I spent last night awake and sobbing :(

OP posts:
UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 03/01/2012 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flisspaps · 03/01/2012 12:24

Stop analysing it.

If these people are such good friends, then they've probably put it behind them, thought nothing more of it and this should be apparent from having two lovely days with each other following NYE.

It's clearly a misunderstanding, and I don't think for one second they'll be dwelling on it. If you want to invite them over for dinner and say you're sorry for what happened, then do, but don't keep yourself awake at night stressing over it.

WibblyBibble · 03/01/2012 12:24

Why are all your male partners incapable of helping in the kitchen?

ViviPru · 03/01/2012 12:25

They were a bit rude. You were a bit oversensitive. Invite them over for dinner and focus on the reasons why you're all friends int he first place. Happy new year Smile

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 03/01/2012 12:25

Yes, you were BU.
They weren't being very nice, but you overreacted.
Sulking about it after they apologised wasn't on, either.
An apology and a discussion of it would be in order.
And you need to think about why you reacted so childishly and what you can do to prevent it happening again.

Tee2072 · 03/01/2012 12:25

They were incredibly rude. They should have apologised when they got back, not waited for you to have to threaten to leave.

Hairynigel · 03/01/2012 12:25

Sounds as if you were being U, but I'm sure we've all been there. I get bad pmt and get like this sometimes. It's not a reasonable thing to do as its no ones fault your all hormonal.
I would do a light hearted apology and do a dinner or something.

Tyson86 · 03/01/2012 12:26

I also think they were rude.

wantstosleepnow · 03/01/2012 12:27

I would contact and say sorry. They were probably genuine about not meaning to be so long, they might have been having a personal chat that carried on a long time. I really don't think you can be angry with people for something that they were oblivious to.

I do things like this all the time BTW.

Earlybird · 03/01/2012 12:27

Hmm - OP why put yourself in charge of all the chores? What if you got out of the kitchen and enjoyed yourself - went for a walk with them, danced with them? Maybe then they would have come into the kitchen so you could all do the work together - share fun and share chores.

I think your strong sense of responsibility turned you into a bit of a martyr.

And where was your dh during all this? What was he doing?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 12:28

bloody hell, you sound like a nightmare

I think you should apologise to everyone for spoiling the holiday, quite frankly

(you did ask)

in future, be less of a martyr to the shitwork and perhaps you won't end up having such a passive aggressive tantrum

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 03/01/2012 12:28

Id have been livid with their behaviour too!

MJinSparklyStockings · 03/01/2012 12:29

If it's upsetting you this much - ask them out for lunch and tell them you are sorry.

Otherwise it's going to keep eating you up.

They will make a big fuss of you and make you feel better I'm sure.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2012 12:30

I can understand you being pissed off, but would have been quite as pissed off about them going for a long walk if you hadn't martyred yourself in the kitchen?

I'd be buggered if I'd pick up the slack if other people weren't pulling their weight.

And was your DH ok with being 'told' you were leaving together?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 12:30

livid ?

they went out for a walk

they had a bit of a dance

they are a bit lazy (but OP said she enjoys being in the kitchen, so they took her at her word)

they sound like they took advantage, but it didn't justify a massive tantrum and threats to leave

rookiemater · 03/01/2012 12:32

It's hard to be in a confined space with a number of families for more than one night.

We are just back from sharing with friends and whilst it was wonderful, I felt sick on the last night and spent the evening in bed, I felt a bit short the next morning and was snappy and worry that my friends now think I am a grumpy bad tempered cow. I made a point of sending a text saying how much we had enjoyed the weekend - perhaps if you did something similar this would alleviate the situation. I think the idea of inviting them round for a meal would clear the air.

Next time - if there is one, try to head things off at the pass. Put a rota in place for cooking and washing - tbh if you are staying in a cottage I'm not sure why there would be a need for much cleaning until the end of the stay, so if you have high standards perhaps you could let them drop for a while. Make sure the men folk take part in the rota as well. Try to plan activities in the morning so that everyone gets equal free time.

I'm not sure if the two ladies were rude. Perhaps they thought you wouldn't enjoy a walk, perhaps they felt you had taken over the role of cooking and cleaning because you wanted to and didn't want to take part in activities.

Hullygully · 03/01/2012 12:34

rudey rude rude

Being considerate and adult and manners means they should have asked if you wanted to go with them/ offered to cook with you/ all cook together then walk.

hurtful

lesley33 · 03/01/2012 12:34

I think you were over sensitive. But I don't think you should mention it again. You risk dargging it up and making it into a bigger deal than it actually is. Just try and forget about it.

Also although I always do my share in these situations, I refuse to cover if other womens partners won't do their share - mine does.

Original poster
SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 12:36

Thanks for responding everyone! I agree, I was over reacting and being childish.

Earlybird, I did not want to be in charge of everything. It's just that one of the women is pregnant and the other one is not too bothered about house work!

OP posts:
keSnowBi · 03/01/2012 12:36

They were rude. And they knew they were rude because they came to your room to find out what was wrong. You over reacted, but I would have been upset by that too so you have my total sympathy.

But also, were you being a bit martyrish - staying in the kitchen, selflessly doing all the cooking and tidying when they probably would have helped/taken over if you'd given them time/space? Were your actions making them feel teenager-y?

Not saying this is the case btw, but sometimes people behave in certain ways for a reason, and this could be one. We stayed on a boat with 8 people a while back and towards the end one of my friends had a meltdown as no-one was helping her keep everything tidy, clean and stowed away. Thing is, she has mild OCD and can't bear anything out of place, she likes things done her way and only her way, plus she would start tidying at about 7am when everyone was still asleep (we were about 24 at the time and party animals). We were actually quite resentful of her by that stage, and had a big talk which cleared the air. She hasn't done a group holiday since.

keSnowBi · 03/01/2012 12:37

Ooh x post with about a million people Blush

keSnowBi · 03/01/2012 12:38

I also think leave it. x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 12:38

you haven't answered whether any of the blokes did any of the shitwork

BandOMothers · 03/01/2012 12:39

I don't think you overreacted at all.....they should say sorry properly...it does sound like a build up and as though they were leaving you out.

lesley33 · 03/01/2012 12:40

If the other woman is not too bothered about housework, you can't expect her to keep the cottage as clean as you would. I think in group situations like this you either accept for a short time that you will live in a mess, or you clean to the standard you want, but accept that no one else may help as they arenh't bothered whether it is clean or not.

With cooking, it is best to sort these things out in advance. When we have done shared holidays we always divide it up so each couple has say 2 nights cooking and 1 night we go out. Although you have to be laid back that meals cooked might be ready meals or prepared from scratched meals. And although 1 woman is pregnant, her partner could easily have cooked.