To have been such a jealous over reacting cow :( Should I say sorry???

[SearchSquad]

Went to spend the New Year at a lovely cottage with two other families. Our DCs are the same age and we are close friends. All was well, barring minor irritants when I felt that the others were not pulling their weight and I was left with the majority of cooking and cleaning. I did not mind this too much as I am quite happy in the kitchen.

Then the other two wives went out for a looooong walk on the 31'st evening without informing me or inviting me. I waited for them to come back and say something to me. But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway.

At that instant I was consumed with such red rage (PMS ???) that I went upstairs and started packing up. I told my DH to inform the others that we were leaving due to some personal work. I was sure that if I stayed any longer I was going to scream at someone or start crying.

Then everyone came to our room and kept asking what the matter was. Finally, I told them that I was feeling left out and wasn't enjoying the break any more. The women said that while they understand my anger, they had just stepped outside for some fresh air and hadn't meant to be away for so long.

We stayed back but I spent most part of the evening sulking. In the morning every one behaved like nothing had happened the night before, were quite considerate and we went on to have two good days with each other.

Now that I have come back I am trying to analyse. Was my reaction unreasonable? Should I now say sorry for my massive over reaction? Or should I just try to forget this episode and try to make up by inviting them over for dinner etc.? These are our closest family friends!

Please please, please do respond as I am going bonkers right now. DH is asking me to let it go but I spent last night awake and sobbing :(

I don't think the other women were closer to each other than they were to me. If anything, both of them called and met me more often than they did each other.

In fact, I was not even going on this last minute break as I was too tired and stressed out (just moved into a new house and had a bed bugs nightmare there). But they were very insistent that I join them otherwise the trip was off.

If you read my original post, nowhere have I said that I did not expect the men to not do any work. And I was equally irritated with the men for standing around and not doing much. But that was a side issue and somehow I did not feel too affected by it.

The main incident that made me throw a fit was the feeling of being excluded from the walk and dance. But I can see your point and this thread has been very helpful in making me reflect over what has happened and how I can take things forward.

Searchsquad, how much housework does your H do at home? I bet it's a lot less than his fair share, somehow. You do seem to have thoroughly absorbed the idea that women are for chores and men get to choose whether they 'help' or not. This is bullshit, and living like this will make you permanently resentful.

I think they all took advantage but you did let them. Sounds like you have a nice nature and they took it for granted. The two women were rude. In that situation if I was one of the other women there I would have said to you to leave whatever you were doing in the kitchen we're going for a walk come with us and stuck my head round the door to the men before leaving and told them the dishes need doing or whatever needs doing. I would never have left one person - male or female - doing everything and gone off for a walk. No wonder you felt left out - but you have a part to play in that. Doesn't have to be confrontational but I would have pulled a few of them up - a simple Searchsquad's done this this and this for us about time you three men did the dinner tonight or something similar. You were taken for granted so I'm not surprised you reacted. tbh I probably wouldn't want to be that friendly with them after that. I hate all that women having to be together because the men are all such good friends and together.

I can see your point of view in feeling excluded by not being invited.
I suppose throwing a tantrum (if childish :) ) is a better way of clearing the air than sulking (yes, you did that too, but not for very long) and better than just holding a secret grudge.

Everyone has their down (hormonal?) days, and we women should be understanding of that.

They realised you were upset and you were all able to move on.
I don't think you necessarily need to apologise, but at least reflect on how you should react to similar circumstances in future.

Waxtart- Assigning tasks means couple 1 sort food on Mon/wed/fri, couple 2 sort food Tues/thurs/sat sort of thing. He is the natural organiser of the group meaning without him being proactive the group wouldn't see each other. Obviously he sends out his lists after discussion with his mates but I don't know how those mates communicate with their wives.

I know when I go away with a crowd I like to mix and match who I spend time with. So I could see myself going off with one friend for a walk and chat without asking others and see myself dancing when I got back and then later on spend time with someone else chatting.

I would hate the thought of having to do everything as a crowd.

You say they didn't acknowlede you when you came back.Are you really sure that you are not being oversensitve about this?
Again I can see myself coming back to a cottage and putting music on and being happy without going through the whole 'Hi, you ok, we have been here there and everywhere' talk. Why would I? I would feel at ease with my friends and know that we just pick up from where we left off.

Next time Dh or mates suggest going away with Searchsquad I would have to think very carefully because I would think that I can't be coping with an attention seeking drama queen ( which is how I would perceive you)

Well, if it was irritating you that they were doing nothing to help you should have said.

TBH, I don´t think that friends do go out for walks withiout asking everyone to join them, or leave a friend in the kitchen even if she says it´s OK.

I wouldn´t be bothered about seeing them again.

Upahill & LeQueen, do you think it is ok to go out in a group of three friends and then two of you can take off for hours without telling or inviting the third one? And then just come back and not acknowledge her in any way?

Would you do that to a close friend, or even one who is in your own words - a nightmare, drama queen and a childish martyr? Why go on a trip with her in that case?

I agree that on group holidays, you cannot be bothered to do everything together and I am not expecting anyone to, but keeping everyone in the loop is a common courtesy.

And yes I agree that I have over reacted and even my thread title says so. Which is why I am sat here trying to get some perspective.

OP, did you say that you have not apologised to them at all? In that case, I would offer a brief apology now that you're back and then move on and forget it.

I say this based on experience. A few years back I was on a group holiday when I found out I was pregnant. I immediately got severe morning sickness, coupled with the big hormone rush, and nicotine withdrawal from quitting cold turkey. So I basically spent 3 days in my room crying hysterically and trying not to inflict myself on everyone else as they were having loads of fun. God it was awful.

One couple had no problem with me, the other thought I was being massively rude and not apologetic enough (though I did apologise). Of course, they never said this to me directly. They got passive-aggressively more and more distant, started ignoring my calls, wouldn't talk to me, until finally 18 freaking months later it all came out that they thought I was a horrid bitch and never wanted to see me again (oh the drama, gawd).

In hindsight, it probably all could have been avoided if I had sent an apology again when I got home. I don't think I had to, I was so apologetic at the time, but well, whatever.

My point is that just because they are acting like everything is okay now doesn't mean they have actually gotten over it -- maybe they have, or maybe they are waiting for you to apologise.

So if you don't want to risk big friendship drama, it can't hurt to send something breezily apologetic now.

I think the real issue here is that the women just went off for a walk and didn't ask you to go too. Did they do other things during the break that meant you were a bit left out? I think it was actually bloody rude of them to go off without you, and then to just ignore you when they got back. Like you say, it is common courtesy to keep everyone in the loop.

As for your reaction, well I don't think there is a right or a wrong reaction. How you feel is how you feel and you are entitled to make your feelings known or to be upset or to throw a hissy fit if that's what you feel like doing at the time. I think perhaps I would have said "Oh, have you been for a walk? I wish you had told me you were going as I would have liked to have come too" and pulled them up on it, but without being childish. It's definitely best to pull people up on things if they've upset you, after all people will only treat you badly if you let them. At the end of the day I do think these other two women caused the situation by doing what they did and if they think badly of you or don't like you now because of it I would let them get on with it and just shrug it off, as clearly they aren't/weren't proper, true friends as they left you out.

Yes I would and something similar has happened to me (not walks but shopping)

Friends meant for a quick pick up of a few things in York and ended up shopping waaay longer than they expected to.
If you have seen some of my previous posts I have said I go away with mates quite a lot (usually to Malmaisson) and people sometimes get into gangs or pairs and do there thing for a while and then regroup and do something with someone else?

Did you acknowledge them when they came in? It is a two way process. Did you not think to shout 'Hey you two!! Thought you were lost!!! Budge over let me join in!!'

Maybe you had a face of thunder before they went (y'know with you doing all the chores and that) and didn't really want you bringing them down.
Who knows? I wasn't there but I'm only going of what you have told us.

You have asked why go on the trip then? Well we wouldn't know how bad you are until we have been away with you. We have stopped going away with a friend of a friend who has caused problems when we have been away (in fact two) why would we want someone who doesn't fit in with the other 6 of us? (The reason one was dropped was because she complained about everything from the room, the menu, the beauty treatment and it just dragged everyone down, the other one was dropped because she slept with a married man and we didn't want to be associated with that behaviour and being tarred by the same brush.

You wanted opinions and you posted on AIBU/
There is no point lying and trying to cover up your feelings if it is honest responses you wanted. That is what I would think and I know the crowd that I go away with regularly would think the same.

I also know that when I got home I would be saying to DH 'Never again'

"Upahill & LeQueen, do you think it is ok to go out in a group of three friends and then two of you can take off for hours without telling or inviting the third one? And then just come back and not acknowledge her in any way? "

But you weren't in a group of three friends - you were in a group of six friends! Good lord. If all five of the others had gone off without you, then I could understand your reaction, but presumably you weren't left alone in the house? Maybe they wanted a private chat about something. How long were they actually gone? Was it really 'hours'?

If they'd been gone more than an hour, without telling anyone where they were going, weren't their husbands wondering where they were? Why didn't anyone ring them? Why didn't you just pour yourself a large drink and put your feet up with the men?

I'm glad you acknowledge that it was a massive overreaction. I think you need to give them all a heartfelt apology for ruining NYE, and work out why you're so stressed at the moment that you freak out just because two people in a party of six did something independently of you. From your reaction to the situation since, it sounds as if you're not coping very well at present - I hope you can get some support and feel better.

Upahill, it sounds a bit like bullying in your friendship group to me tbh; "Fit in with our rules and do as we do or you're out"

Yes, it is a two-way process but to be fair it was the other two friends that had gone out without inviting the OP and one would think that they would at least greet her when they returned. I probably would have done as you suggested though and made a point of greeting them and letting them know that I knew they'd gone out without me

Why is everyone trying to make the OP the bad person? This is really weird. Three couples went away together for a couple of days. One of the women spent more time in the kitchen (her choice as she says), but the other two went off without telling her for hours and ignored her when they got back.

How is that nice/considerate/friendly/kind?!

What has sexism/martyrdom/killjoy/ruining NY etc got to do with it??

SS, I would have been very hurt if my friends treated me that way, male or female. It's fundamentally about how friends and human beings treat each other with consideration kindness and courtesy.

I totally agree with Hullygully. If anyone has to be the bad person in this it is the OP's so-called friends that went for a walk and left her out. Surely if they had something private to talk about, it is rude to do it on a weekend away with other people, when other people will be left out.

I too definitely don't think that the OP ruined NYE at all. I do however think that her friends were/are bloody rude and if anyone needs to apologise it should be them for causing the OP to be upset in the first place.

The walkk took longer than they thought-that happens-but they didn´t even invite her!

To my mind they are not friends & it sounds as if it´s the husbands who are the friends.

Oh I don't think the OP is a bad person.

But if I read it right, her friends have apologised and she has not. Even if they were in the wrong, the OP admits she overreacted, and so I think it's only fair if she apologises too. Then everyone can move on.

Upahill, it sounds a bit like bullying in your friendship group to me tbh; "Fit in with our rules and do as we do or you're out"

Yep, that's right.
And our rules are don't sleep with married men when you are away for the weekend and expect your mates to cover up for you and when the waiter asks if you enjoyed your meal it's ok to reply honestly but not with a sneer saying' I don't like foreign muck!'

Apart from that we are quite easy going and don't go into hissy fits if a couple of mates do their own thing for a while.

I really don't see why she should apologise though. The friends left her out and were rude to her when they got back. She got upset because of their treatment of her. If she apologises it will re-inforce a sense of guilt in her, which she shouldn't feel, and make the two other friends believe that she was in the wrong and they weren't.

OP, I would just leave it. Hopefully as you made your feelings perfectly clear if they are proper friends they will think twice before being unkind to you in future.

*Upahill, it sounds a bit like bullying in your friendship group to me tbh; "Fit in with our rules and do as we do or you're out"

Yep, that's right.
And our rules are don't sleep with married men when you are away for the weekend and expect your mates to cover up for you and when the waiter asks if you enjoyed your meal it's ok to reply honestly but not with a sneer saying' I don't like foreign muck!'

Apart from that we are quite easy going and don't go into hissy fits if a couple of mates do their own thing for a while.*

Gosh, glad I'm not in your group of friends then if you ditch a friend over a comment made in a restaurant!

I'd be horrified if a friend of mine made the 'foreign muck' comment. Not just because it would be horrible for the member of waiting staff and embarrassing and awkward for the rest of the party, but also because it would suggest that the friend harboured unacceptable (to me) views.

I would FAINT if one of my friend's said something like that. But it would be hilarious au meme temps.

One of my friend's what? Apostrophes?