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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have been such a jealous over reacting cow :( Should I say sorry???

201 replies

SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 12:20

Went to spend the New Year at a lovely cottage with two other families. Our DCs are the same age and we are close friends. All was well, barring minor irritants when I felt that the others were not pulling their weight and I was left with the majority of cooking and cleaning. I did not mind this too much as I am quite happy in the kitchen.

Then the other two wives went out for a looooong walk on the 31'st evening without informing me or inviting me. I waited for them to come back and say something to me. But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway.

At that instant I was consumed with such red rage (PMS ???) that I went upstairs and started packing up. I told my DH to inform the others that we were leaving due to some personal work. I was sure that if I stayed any longer I was going to scream at someone or start crying.

Then everyone came to our room and kept asking what the matter was. Finally, I told them that I was feeling left out and wasn't enjoying the break any more. The women said that while they understand my anger, they had just stepped outside for some fresh air and hadn't meant to be away for so long.

We stayed back but I spent most part of the evening sulking. In the morning every one behaved like nothing had happened the night before, were quite considerate and we went on to have two good days with each other.

Now that I have come back I am trying to analyse. Was my reaction unreasonable? Should I now say sorry for my massive over reaction? Or should I just try to forget this episode and try to make up by inviting them over for dinner etc.? These are our closest family friends!

Please please, please do respond as I am going bonkers right now. DH is asking me to let it go but I spent last night awake and sobbing :(

OP posts:
Tortington · 03/01/2012 18:14

quite hully

Hullygully · 03/01/2012 18:14
Hullygully · 03/01/2012 18:15

I would probably do that too tho.

So

Quite, custy

upahill · 03/01/2012 18:15

People are saying it was hours they were out?
Was it? because in that case they would have had to be prepared for walking with it getting dark by 3.45pm. If not they have gone for a stroll and ended up further than they like. I've done this loads of times either by myself, with DH or with friends. It happens.

I just don't understand that you say you had two good days after the event where they were considerate and then come home and sob.

Like I said before when you questioned about the term martyr you came up with the lamest excuse ever for one of the women not helping. She was pregnant. Like I said before you should have only done 1/6th of the work if you were a group of 6. If she is fit to walk and dance she is fit to help. So yes you are being a burning martyr if you can't open your mouth and say 'Well I sorted breakfast out, whose doing lunch today, I'm not your bloody skivvy Grin'

yellowraincoat · 03/01/2012 18:15

Hexagonal: I think she should have told the entire party that she wasn't doing all the cooking and cleaning.

I don't think she should have sulked. If you can't discuss the matter in an adult way, just leave. Don't sulk.

I think she should have just said "hey guys, where were you, you should have invited me" rather than being upset they didn't talk to her.

Don't get me wrong, the friends don't sound great either. But if someone was spending the whole holiday cooking and cleaning, I'd probably get a bit pissed off too.

dreamingbohemian · 03/01/2012 18:15

x-post

Hmm. That's a sort of non-apology apology.

You didn't say before that you were sitting with all the men and DC when they came in and walked past you. Why would you take it personally if they kind of breezed past all of you?

mynewpassion · 03/01/2012 18:17

Hex: well, I wouldn't have thrown a strop, threatened to leave, and then sulked. I would've talked to them about it and cleared the air as adults do. They would've apologized and that would've been the end of it. I would not need to apologize as didn't do anything wrong (no tantrum).

However, the OP, did throw a strop, threatened to leave and then sulked. The friends apologized for their thoughtlessness but she didn't apologize for her childish actions.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/01/2012 18:18

I too would pull back from the friendship, OP. They will know why, as I'm sure deep down they know what they did was unkind, even though they are trying to turn it round into it being you with the problem

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 18:19

I'm really feeling bad for you SS - you're totally beating yourself up over this, and the likes of LeQueen and upahill aren't helping. Yes, you over-reacted, but no-ones perfect, and you had - in my view - some sore provocation! I think most people would feel at the least a bit miffed, if not hurt, that their two friends had left them for the afternoon without saying anything.

Group holidays are a nightmare, IMO, and are best avoided. I've been on two now and always end up in a bad mood; and there's always either one outright argument or a couple of petty issues that cause simmering resentment out of all proportion.

Like I said before, your friends apologised and I think you could apologise too; you'll feel better, you'll have a chance to explain why you behaved that way, and maybe they'll see your point of view a bit better.

yellowraincoat · 03/01/2012 18:20

Really, Hexagonal? I think both parties are at fault here. The friends seem like good time sort of people who don't think too much about others. That's not too nice, in itself, but some people are like that.

The OP sounds like hard work though. I know whereof I speak, my mother is exactly like that, disappears off and then half an hour later comes in shouting at us and none of us even know what we did wrong.

People aren't psychic. You need to talk to them.

mrsmaltesers · 03/01/2012 18:21

I dont see why you shoujld apologise, and i would have been upset too.

Next time, if there is one,you could all agree, when sober, and in advsnce, who,s going to what regarding cooking, etc.

Hope it didnt ruin your nye too much

ClaraSage · 03/01/2012 18:22

Every adult should have done his/her share of the work. Otherwise, these group get togethers don't work.
Personally, I would never go away with a group as we are a very late/lazy type of family. We are socialable , but stick to short events, lunches, dinners and parties.

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 18:22

"So yes you are being a burning martyr if you can't open your mouth and say 'Well I sorted breakfast out, whose doing lunch today, I'm not your bloody skivvy"

Fuck's sake! Why is it so hard for a certain sort of bossy extrovert to see that not everyone feels able to be as, koff, assertive as they can? Some people don't know how to say the stuff that's bothering them, and then get cross and resentful about it, and then it becomes a bigger issue than it need have been. Happens alla time. It is not a capital offence.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/01/2012 18:25

yellowraincoat, but if the OP had said "When they got back I told them calmly I felt quite upset that they'd gone out without me", I can't help but feel that some of you on here would still give her a hard time about that. At the end of the day she is entitled to feel however she feels, and I repeat that it was very unkind of her friends to do what they did.

upahill · 03/01/2012 18:25

I've just seen your post asking what posters would have done if they thought the OP is in the wrong.
I've answered that in various posts but to sum up

I would have not been lumbered with all the working for a start. That is a sure fire way of building resentment even if you don't mind it at first. The more you do the more there is an assumption that you will carry on doing it and you don't really mind.

Proably early in the day I (or some one ) would have said what's the plans for today? and then everyone has an idea of what is going on. The if people want to chill and just hang that is cool because there is no itinary.

If I found myself pissed that the women had left me I would have said 'Hey!! What's the deal here!! I've been stuck here and where have you been eh?!

I wouldn't have got red eyed about it ( honestly I have sat here and gone through the scenario and thought deep about it)

If I had to have words I would have said 'y'know this afternoon when you two had gone out for ages I would have come, why didn't you say something, I haven't been round here before and it would have been good to have a look.

However that is me and the OP hasn't done this.

I hope you can resolve it because I can see how it has affected you.

Hopefully it will blow over. Maybe when you meet you can say something like ' I know you probably thought I really blew up last week but I felt so left out and I would have loved to have gone on the walk. That's one of the reasons I felt left out. and I have to be honest I did feel a bit taken for granted and ignorned. It's not like you to be like that.'

OrmIrian · 03/01/2012 18:28

Group holidays?!

Garrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!

HTH

yellowraincoat · 03/01/2012 18:28

But Hexagonal, I just don't get being upset that people had gone out and not just saying it. I'm not having a go at her, and of course she's entitled to how she feels and in that circumstance I might feel left out too, but I'd just say something.

upahill · 03/01/2012 18:29

Fuck's sake! Why is it so hard for a certain sort of bossy extrovert to see that not everyone feels able to be as, koff, assertive as they can

It's not what you say it's how you say it. I wish I could be bossy at times but don't forget the Op is with what she has described as her closest friends.
So if you can't have banter with close friends who can you?

My friends who wouldn't say boo to a goose have no problems ribbing and teasing each other if one of us is getting on their high horse (usually me!!!) about something.

Close mates can do that.

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 18:30

No, your close mates can do that, upahill.

upahill · 03/01/2012 18:32

So what's the point in having close mates if you can't say stuff to them thenConfused
Surely they are just mates then?

yellowraincoat · 03/01/2012 18:33

But if you can't do that, you're not close, Emma. If you're not able to say to the people you are close to "you are being a dick" then they are not friends.

I really think the OP would be better off out of this friendship, it doesn't really sound like they're suited. Or maybe just not go away with them again.

deltashad2 · 03/01/2012 18:33

You had a crap time. Next year do it with other people. Take a chill pill was just a bad night.

Oggy · 03/01/2012 18:34

Sorry, didn't get to the end of the thread.

I appear to be in the minority but I do think you were being unreasonable. You were completely oversensitive about the walk and the dance. It is easy for a walk to end up being longer than expected and it was probably an impulsive thing while you were busy. If they said there was no leaving out intended why would you believe that you were being deliberately left out, unless you think your friends are liars?

Also the whole dancing thing is gubbins. No one should have to invite the other friend to dance on the living room with them, if you wanted to dance then dance - what a fuss over nothing IMO.

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 18:38

No, they can be close mates too. Some people cannot say what is bothering them when they're upset. They just can't. Surely you must know people like this? The best option for someone like that is to go away and think about it and talk about it later when they feel able to. I've got two properly close friends - the first, I'll argue with when one or the other is upset, but the other won't tell me straight away if I've pissed her off. I will just know, and later I'll find out why, but I'll usually have an inkling anyway.

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 18:40

"But if you can't do that, you're not close, Emma. If you're not able to say to the people you are close to "you are being a dick" then they are not friends."

That is just so black and white! I'm thinking of my husband now, and his oldest friend that he's known since they were at primary school together. They never talk about stuff that's really bothering them, but they still know each other better than almost anyone else. Are they not really friends then, in your view?

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