To have been such a jealous over reacting cow :( Should I say sorry???

[SearchSquad]

Went to spend the New Year at a lovely cottage with two other families. Our DCs are the same age and we are close friends. All was well, barring minor irritants when I felt that the others were not pulling their weight and I was left with the majority of cooking and cleaning. I did not mind this too much as I am quite happy in the kitchen.

Then the other two wives went out for a looooong walk on the 31'st evening without informing me or inviting me. I waited for them to come back and say something to me. But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway.

At that instant I was consumed with such red rage (PMS ???) that I went upstairs and started packing up. I told my DH to inform the others that we were leaving due to some personal work. I was sure that if I stayed any longer I was going to scream at someone or start crying.

Then everyone came to our room and kept asking what the matter was. Finally, I told them that I was feeling left out and wasn't enjoying the break any more. The women said that while they understand my anger, they had just stepped outside for some fresh air and hadn't meant to be away for so long.

We stayed back but I spent most part of the evening sulking. In the morning every one behaved like nothing had happened the night before, were quite considerate and we went on to have two good days with each other.

Now that I have come back I am trying to analyse. Was my reaction unreasonable? Should I now say sorry for my massive over reaction? Or should I just try to forget this episode and try to make up by inviting them over for dinner etc.? These are our closest family friends!

Please please, please do respond as I am going bonkers right now. DH is asking me to let it go but I spent last night awake and sobbing :(

You say that the men are 'batch mates' - do you think that part of your problem could be that the women are not actually your friends but the partners of your partner's friends, and therefore 'you girlies' are expected to just get on with each other and stay in the woman-box until the men want your company? Because it does sound as though the men were enjoying their bromantic vacation with the women expected to do all the housework and entertain each other and the DCs.

I think if you want to be a housework/kitchen martyr then you can't really expect others to join you.

I certainly wouldn't have enslaved myself in the kitchen just because another female felt that appropriate.

Yabu

We've gone away with people with different cleaning standards and we've made our stance clear "isn't it your turn to cook?" "we'll tidy the dishes before bed." "what are going to cook?" "i'll wash and you dry." and so on.
If the other 2 women were dancing I'd go to them and say something like "I love this song" and join in. Waiting for an invitation is very formal.
I'd love to know why the husbands weren't doing housework too.

SqueezeMe, your response would've been brilliant!

windsorTides, I am friendlier with the women so I was angrier with them and not their husbands. I don't know if that makes me sexist.

We've enjoyed a lot of breaks with friends over the years, but the reason they work is because we've always had ground rules. No one person is responsible for everything, everyone pulls their weight and if someone/a couple/a small group doesn't fancy doing something, they can do their own thing without anyone having a hissy fit. In the early years, a couple of the men in the group seemed to regard it as a licence to do nothing, until H intervened and handed them a dishcloth

Anger with the women for leaving you out? If so, fair enough but it would have been better to have said something directly or if too angry right then - nothing.

Angrier with the women for not doing more housework? Not reasonable and yes, sexist.

yes, it makes you sexist

and a doormat

I think you didn't overreact and YANBU, but if I were you I would still apologise - just when you next speak to them say sorry for being moody.

Are these women people that you normally class as friends and meet without your partners. I know you have said family friends but the two women could be close friends to each other and you a 'friend'

On these 'friends away ' holidays there are a lot of different dynamics going on.

I think the first thing you did wrong was doing the chores.
When I have been away I have done a chore and when there was something glaringly obvious that needs doing and no one is volunteering I have left it. (as long as I have done my fair wack) Things eventually get done.

I have sat here and I can honestly get the red rage bit. IF I had been there by myself I may have felt a bit pissed but you had your DH with you to have a laugh with.

Anyway there was nothing stopping the pregnant women dancing and having long walks so there is no reason why she couldn't have done 1/6th of the chores.

Where do you go from here? I think if you are still sobbing you are not ready to see them because all your rage will come back. Maybe a friendly text and then arrange to see them when you are calmer.

If you were my close friend I would have dealt with you there and then
If you were a friend but not best I would avoid inviting you on trips because I would dread a drama tbh.

crazy, I would have joined in the dance without waiting for their invite. I just felt left out and did not know my place.

And I was not the one who insisted on home cooked meals. I wanted to make do with microwaveable meals and ordering in food. But since one of the women is pregnant and other family is vegetarian, everyone insisted on home cooked meals.

Anyways, after reading your responses, I find myself being very reflective. I do understand that my 'tantrum' was very inappropriate for a grown up woman and will avoid picking up chores just to please others.

But I can see that the other women were rude as well. However, they did apologise while I did not.

So, I think I will try to be amicable and concilatory and invite them over sometime this month. I will avoid dragging this issue by not mentioning it explicitly. Let's see where it takes our relations from here.

good plan

I think when you have group holidays like this everyone has to accept that things won't be done like they are when it's your own home, and you have to accommodate everyone's wishes and ways of doing things.

I think they were rude to go out without you and I'd have been upset about that too.

Only you can say whether you were obviously martyring yourself in the kitchen and whether they sensed an atmosphere from you - and therefore whether them going out was related to that, or was just thoughtlessness.

I must say though if I were ever away with someone who "insisted on chores" I'd be going for a walk too - to the nearest pub. You would be able to insist that I did anything on my holiday!

I can't believe you were pissed off at the women but think that it's ok that the men just sat around getting pissed. Get some perspective, if my partner left me to do all the cooking and dishes I'd go ape.

Search - I can see why you were fed up, and also why the others might have thought 'blimey, she's off on one' but it's interesting that you are solely focused on the women. What about the men? Forgive me if I've missed it, but you don't comment on their responsibility to do some chores, despite people mentioning it in their replies.

I agree, good way forward.

"everyone insisted on home cooked meals"

With you there to do it. I think you pitched a fit at the wrong thing - the fact that they were happy to put you in the kitchen and do all the work for them. And when I say "they", I mean the women and men too.

Do you do all the domestic chores at home too. Where was your husband in all this seeing his wife being a slavey in the kitchen? Why didn't he do some stuff.

I don't think there was much wrong in you getting annoyed at the two women. They were excluding you after all.

Don't take the blame for this, they can't get away with treating you like rubbish and then blame you for having a reaction.

Maybe the one you were really angry at was yourself for feeling like you had to do the chores. Or maybe the not really been seen for what you are doing for others is a theme for you, and it just pressed a button?

Also this:

"But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway."

They aren't your friends. Don't go on holiday with them again. Not even being able to say "Hello, what have you been doing", that is incredibly rude.

Edam, what I am able to think of is that the friendship of these women mattered more to me than their husbands', so I had more expectations from them. And they were the one's who had left me when they went out. I don't know if it makes sense, but I really hope I am not being sexist.

And about the 'martyr' thing, I did not offer myself to do everything myself. While making meals, we would start out together, then one would leave within 2 mins to attend to her crying child and the other would start feeling nauseous from the smells from the kitchen and then leave.

Then the husbands would stand around in the kitchen with drinks in their hands but not doing anything much. Frankly, cooking was not much of a big deal to me, but feeling left out was.

You are being sexist. It's not about friendship. It's about expectations. You expected the women to help, not the men. I'm assuming the men ate the food?

How can you write that last post and claim you didn't martyr yourself OP?

How about pointing out to the Husbands that the food they wish to eat needs to be cooked by someone and you're not going to do it all?

YANBU

I in that situation would have asked you along.

Maybe they do not enjoy your company as much as they do each others. They see you more as a bit of a prude?

My comment is prompted by the fact they came back and played the music loudly and danced. Maybe this was a subtle message that you are boring to be with?

I could be totally wrong of course.

Next time leave the cooking to everybody else.

I think they might be good friends afterall.

You are right trust your instincts. Their reaction might have been guilt...

What yellow and worra said.

Are the other 2 women closer to one another? (I may be way off the mark but I'm assuming this based on the fact that they are more relaxed about housework.) I associate holidays with doing less housework and would have made sure that I'd paid for a cleaner at the end of the stay.

When dh and I socialise with his friends, I find that the men do more than 50% of the chores because they find that the wives are more likely to repeat the experience in future. I don't know if it's because my dh is a project manager but he will plan events like that with lists and assigns tasks to people ahead of time. If it was a boozy weekend I'd make sure that the men did their share before getting drunk (or you'd at least got them to do it the next day.) Are the children old enough to do chores? My children are old enough to do jobs like load the dishwasher, collect laundry...

He assigns tasks to people . Do they get a say in it?! I don't mind doing my fair share or mucking in with anything, but I'm not sure I'd like someone to tell me what I'll be doing on holiday.

I have lots of group holidays and trips away with my closest friends, everyone just mucks in, in their own way, regardless of their gender, or if they're part of a couple, because they want to. The one holiday that went utterly tits up on the someone getting the hump front was the one with a different group where someone decided a rota was a good idea. And it was the rota author!