Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been such a jealous over reacting cow :( Should I say sorry???

201 replies

SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 12:20

Went to spend the New Year at a lovely cottage with two other families. Our DCs are the same age and we are close friends. All was well, barring minor irritants when I felt that the others were not pulling their weight and I was left with the majority of cooking and cleaning. I did not mind this too much as I am quite happy in the kitchen.

Then the other two wives went out for a looooong walk on the 31'st evening without informing me or inviting me. I waited for them to come back and say something to me. But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway.

At that instant I was consumed with such red rage (PMS ???) that I went upstairs and started packing up. I told my DH to inform the others that we were leaving due to some personal work. I was sure that if I stayed any longer I was going to scream at someone or start crying.

Then everyone came to our room and kept asking what the matter was. Finally, I told them that I was feeling left out and wasn't enjoying the break any more. The women said that while they understand my anger, they had just stepped outside for some fresh air and hadn't meant to be away for so long.

We stayed back but I spent most part of the evening sulking. In the morning every one behaved like nothing had happened the night before, were quite considerate and we went on to have two good days with each other.

Now that I have come back I am trying to analyse. Was my reaction unreasonable? Should I now say sorry for my massive over reaction? Or should I just try to forget this episode and try to make up by inviting them over for dinner etc.? These are our closest family friends!

Please please, please do respond as I am going bonkers right now. DH is asking me to let it go but I spent last night awake and sobbing :(

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 18:42

Oggy, I don't reckon you are in the minority

it's running at about 50/50 Smile

upahill · 03/01/2012 18:42

emma are you honestly saying you couldn't say to your close friends ' whose cooking the tea tonight?'

Honestly?

Because that is more or less is what I said.
I suggested that all 'searchsquad' had to say if she didn't want to be the kitche skiv all she had to do was say 'I've done breakfast (or whatever) whose doing (whatever needs doing next)

If you can't say that to your close friend then that is I think odd.

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 18:47

"emma are you honestly saying you couldn't say to your close friends ' whose cooking the tea tonight?"

eh, no - that obviously isn't what I'm saying. I'm talking about being able to say stuff that is upsetting you, with the people who are upsetting you, not asking a neutral question about cooking dinner. Either you're deliberately misunderstanding me or you just can't be bothered to see this from any point of view but your own.

The OP had got herself into a situation (and she has to talk responsibility for that part of it, the housework stuff and the issues therewith) where she was feeling put-upon and resentful, and because of that, she over-reacted to a slight. Some of us are saying, oh well, that's not so bad, just apologise and it'll be OK. Others - you amongst them - are saying "your friends will never want to go on holiday with you again, as you are an attention-seeking drama queen".

yellowraincoat · 03/01/2012 18:54

But she couldn't say either of those things, Emma: neither that she was upset nor that she wanted them to help out a bit more.

I'm sorry I can't see that from another point of view. I just wouldn't consider someone I couldn't say that to a friend.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/01/2012 18:58

I like the fact that they said the holiday would have been off if the OP hadn't gone.

subtext - because there would have been no-one there to do the cooking

Friendly people just don't behave the way those two women did.

upahill · 03/01/2012 19:01

TBH I think we are all guessing at what the OP can say to close friends and if she felt like asking for help why didn't she ( apart from the pregnant long distance walker!)

yellowraincoat · 03/01/2012 19:03

I don't know thunderbolts. We're only getting the OPs side here. Like I said upthread, my mother behaves like this. We're all chilling out, she disappears, we don't know where to. She'll come in and scream at us because she's been sweeping the garden/shopping/putting the bins out...some people just aren't as bothered about being clean.

Sure they could have asked if they could help out - it's not as if I let my mother do everything. But some people really make a rod for their own back. When I'm on holiday, everything gets washed up as needed.

Maybe they should have agreed on how cleaning and cooking would be shared out beforehand.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/01/2012 19:10

Yes but the OP didn't do that, yellowraincoat. She was upset about them going for a walk and not inviting her, not necessarily upset about doing all the domestic chores. Her crying and going upstairs to pack isn't the same as your mother disappearing and then coming back screaming and shouting (actually my mum used to do the same as yours when I was a child too funnily enough). OP wasn't having a go at everyone because they hadn't helped to clean the kitchen, she was upset as they left her out.

Original poster
SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 19:17

It wasn't that I was not asking for help with the dinner, but I was getting pretty damp half hearted responses -for example leaving things midway to attend to DC and not coming back, standing in the kitchen just chatting and not doing much etc.

Moreover, it was not my responsibility to run the place and allocate work. People were on a holiday and did what they wanted to. I just did what I could manage but since I generally enjoy cooking I did not mind cooking for the lot of them. There wasn't much cleaning to do and the men did help out with that.

I could have really used a bit of humour and assertivenes to deal with them. But I just felt red hot rage, which in itself isn't normal for me. And I was too embarrassed to create a scene in front of their DH and DC so I fled upstairs instead of just barging and confronting them.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/01/2012 19:18

OP had they done anything else together over the week that you felt was excluding you?

Hullygully · 03/01/2012 19:21

I have been on many group holidays (sometimes with 26 of us) and they have been fantastic AS LONG AS everyone treated each other with kindness, courtesy and consideration. This is the key. They were mean to you.

MrsCampbellBlack · 03/01/2012 19:31

I am so with Hully and Custy.

They were mean girls and they excluded you and thats just not on.

But mn is odd about manners in adults - we seem to expect so much from our children but then some people are just so unkind to their friends - it is utterly beyond me.

CrabbyBigbottom · 03/01/2012 19:31

I think it's the red hot rage, the massive overreaction, your recent stress and how much the situation is still upsetting you that you need to focus on, OP - you really don't sound like you're coping at the mo. Can you acknowledge that to someone and seek support?

Hullygully · 03/01/2012 19:32

Ooo you know, you're right Mrs C-B

yellowraincoat · 03/01/2012 19:35

She didn't scream or shout, Hexagonal, she sulked. That's a different reaction but still an aggressive one.

OP, Crabby is right. Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this? It sounds like you are not dealing well with this.

upahill · 03/01/2012 19:36

But I'm still not getting why the OP had two really nice days with considerate friends after the walking incident that she is awake at night and sobbing.

The two friends paired for a while.That meant there was still 3 other adults around to have company with.
If this was the only incident and they tried to make up for it then I really am Confused

upahill · 03/01/2012 19:40

searchSquad I do hope you are ok.
I have really tried to understand and put myself in your position.

What does your DH think? Why do you think you saw red rage?

I could perhaps understand if you said you were really upset or so pissed off with it but you saying about all the rage and still feeling it for so long after isn't a typical response I think

Oggy · 03/01/2012 19:45

For the gazillionth time I am reading with my jaw on the floor!

How are they mean horrible girls because they nipped out for a walk while OP was busy and ended up out longer than intended - really?? that's all it takes??

MrsCampbellBlack · 03/01/2012 19:49

They excluded her - I mean if that had been me I would have said 'we're going for a walk do you fancy coming?' - its not hard its just basic courtesy.

I wouldn't let one of my dc's exclude another child like that and I wouldn't do it myself.

Hullygully · 03/01/2012 19:51

Quite, Mrs C-B

PercyFilth · 03/01/2012 19:55

It's all in your head.

You like cooking, so people didn't feel guilty that you were doing most of it. They thought you were enjoying it.

Two people out of a party of six adults plus various children went for a walk. They were gone longer than they intended, that's often the way on holiday because you keep spotting things that look interesting. I could sympathise if it was just the 3 of you on holiday, but there were 3 other adults with you including your own husband. You were not left alone.

You were not alone when they returned either. What was stopping you getting up for a dance if you felt like it? Were you expecting a formal invitation? They probably expected you to join them rather than stomping off in a massive huff.

Most of us have probably behaved like this, but not since we were about 12.

Original poster
SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 19:59

I am not feeling angry still, just upset. When I started this thread, I was very scared that I had done something so irreversible that I have compromised our family friendships forever. I think the stress of behaving perfectly for the remaining holiday and trying to over compensate wore me out.

Now, I am still sad about what has happened and sorry about my own OTT behaviour but I can see where my friends went wrong as well. And these women are not my best mates per se but wives of my DH's best friends. But we are close as families and have been through a lot together - child birth, weddings, losing loved ones etc and I value what we have.

Since I had not explicitly apologised then, I have sent messages (mentioned above) to them trying to clear the air. I plan to invite them to my place later in the month.

But thats about it. I am really exhausted and stressed out with the house move, bed bugs in the new house which involved fumigation and massive laundry bills, xmas and now this trip. My DH understands this and is being very supportive.

(PS: And I am not trying to excuse my behaviour in any way here by mentioning all this. I know I was wrong in behaving the way I did)

OP posts:
warthog · 03/01/2012 20:00

yanbu

well maybe the packing was a bit ott.

but i don't think they behaved well. they should have helped out more. they sound lazy. i don't think the walk was a problem, but not acknowledging you after wasn't nice.

i would not go on another holiday with them.

Hullygully · 03/01/2012 20:00

They were still well mean Don't beat yourself up. Don't deny the validity of your own feelings.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 20:04

SS, you have done enough, honestly

Let it go now

And you haven't irreparably damaged anything

You live and learn, right ? Maybe next time you will state your feelings more directly and much sooner, before getting to the point of losing your perspective

I said very early on this thread, that all these house guests took advantage of you and you relaly don't seem to have taken on any of the criticisms of the menfolk

yes, these women were lazy and took advantage of you...so did the blokes, but the other two decided to do something they wanted to do , and I suggest you do the same next time (if you feel like doing it again, that is)