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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been such a jealous over reacting cow :( Should I say sorry???

201 replies

SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 12:20

Went to spend the New Year at a lovely cottage with two other families. Our DCs are the same age and we are close friends. All was well, barring minor irritants when I felt that the others were not pulling their weight and I was left with the majority of cooking and cleaning. I did not mind this too much as I am quite happy in the kitchen.

Then the other two wives went out for a looooong walk on the 31'st evening without informing me or inviting me. I waited for them to come back and say something to me. But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway.

At that instant I was consumed with such red rage (PMS ???) that I went upstairs and started packing up. I told my DH to inform the others that we were leaving due to some personal work. I was sure that if I stayed any longer I was going to scream at someone or start crying.

Then everyone came to our room and kept asking what the matter was. Finally, I told them that I was feeling left out and wasn't enjoying the break any more. The women said that while they understand my anger, they had just stepped outside for some fresh air and hadn't meant to be away for so long.

We stayed back but I spent most part of the evening sulking. In the morning every one behaved like nothing had happened the night before, were quite considerate and we went on to have two good days with each other.

Now that I have come back I am trying to analyse. Was my reaction unreasonable? Should I now say sorry for my massive over reaction? Or should I just try to forget this episode and try to make up by inviting them over for dinner etc.? These are our closest family friends!

Please please, please do respond as I am going bonkers right now. DH is asking me to let it go but I spent last night awake and sobbing :(

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 03/01/2012 12:42

Bit odd and rude to come back and ostentatiously dance and party without acknowledging you. It sounds like weird playground behaviour. Add that to PMS and I don't think YABU to have felt hurt. But if they're really good friends then you need to move on. Can you face telling them, light-heartedly, that you didn't know what was going on when they came back and carried on without acknowledging you and that's what made you feel upset and left out?

SootySweepandSue · 03/01/2012 12:42

Probably a psychologist (which I'm certainly not..) would suggest you had a bad experience of being left out earlier in life and that this experience reignited that. Or something similar. Normally that's what over-reactions can be about?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2012 12:43

OP... You can't 'take on' the chores, saying that you enjoy being in the kitchen and then complain bitterly about being in there. If you didn't orchestrate this exactly, you certainly played a big part in creating the problem. Not accepting an apology is beyond rude and a complete overreaction to what happened.

I understand PMT and I understand that people want different things but it sounds as if you wanted to 'take control', confident of your superior skills. It's backfired rather. Pregnancy is not an illness and your comment on the other friend not concerned about housework is a little sneery.

If you value these friends, apologise for your behaviour. The atmosphere must have been dreadful. There's nothing else for it - apologise openly and generously and then move on. I doubt there will be a repetition because there won't be another opportunity.

Original poster
SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 12:44

AF, the husbands were being a bit thick and did something only when asked to do so. They are batch mates and spent the time drunk and reminiscing about their golden college days!

OP posts:
spottyscarf · 03/01/2012 12:46

I could imagine being on both sides of this- I can imagine one of them saying 'I'm just popping out for some fresh air' and the other saying 'ooh good idea I'll grab my coat and join you' in a very off-the-cuff way especially if you were busy doing something else at the time. I can also imagine feeling a bit hurt and left out to suddenly realise they had gone out without you.

So I think their behaviour was rude, but understandable. Yours was a bit OTT, but understandable. I would maybe send both women a light-hearted text saying thanks for the holiday and sorry again for getting the wrong end of the stick. And don't leave it too long before you see them again or it could become awkward.

spottyscarf · 03/01/2012 12:46

I could imagine being on both sides of this- I can imagine one of them saying 'I'm just popping out for some fresh air' and the other saying 'ooh good idea I'll grab my coat and join you' in a very off-the-cuff way especially if you were busy doing something else at the time. I can also imagine feeling a bit hurt and left out to suddenly realise they had gone out without you.

So I think their behaviour was rude, but understandable. Yours was a bit OTT, but understandable. I would maybe send both women a light-hearted text saying thanks for the holiday and sorry again for getting the wrong end of the stick. And don't leave it too long before you see them again or it could become awkward.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 12:47

then you were very silly to let them, OP

you are not their, nor anybody else's, handmaiden

it was your holiday too !

lesley33 · 03/01/2012 12:47

I would have been resentful at doing cleaning and cooking while the men did practically nothing tbh.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 12:47

you do sound very martyrish, really you do

VikingLady · 03/01/2012 12:48

Perhaps they really didn't mean to be out that long. Do you know whether it is possible that something serious is going on in one of their lives? It may be that they really did step out for a couple of minutes, then one started talking about a problem, the other was helping/sympathising, and they had a long discussion about it. Just one possibility, and it would explain their behaviour. They may have been trying to cheer themselves up with the dancing, and assumed that you would come out of the kitchen and join in if you wanted to.

mothmagnet · 03/01/2012 12:49

YANBU at feeling aggrieved and left out. They were very inconsiderate.

Unfortunately, your 'behaviour' has almost cancelled their's out.

However, as a fellow moody person/martyr/sulker, I feel your pain at the guilt and confusion afterwards. I think it's partly because you felt unable to voice your feelings at the time and were angry that they could not read the situation.

Maybe text them ' sorry again about my mood that evening, I had a lovely time away, I hope you both did too, see you soon'

Then forget it, you are fine and they are your friends Smile

HandMini · 03/01/2012 12:50

The other two women were pretty rude. Group holidays like that only work if everyone pulls their weight, ie, divide up cooking and cleaning tasks. When dit's not your turn to help, grab a glass of wine and go and sit down...it is a holiday after all. I would say that also everyone needs to have a bit of a jolly hockey sticks attitude to joining in, ie, everyone is rounded up and asked if they fancy a walk / cup of tea / film or whatever the next activity is.

So, Y were NBU to feel like they were being a bit arsey. Y were however BU to flounce about it and get your DH involved. Far better to have just got on with things, gone and found some other members of the group, suggested a drink to everyone.

Finally, if these two women are best matey and you feel left out there's not a great deal you can do about it, other than avoid being in that particular group.

Definitely don't let it continue to ruin your year.

windsorTides · 03/01/2012 12:53

Bollocks that the men were being 'a bit thick'. A bit lazy more like and it's pretty obvious that you didn't even think to include them in the people who weren't doing any work - you only mentioned the women. The only people you seem to have had any expectations about in all this, were the women.

If you behave like a doormat, people will walk on you. But if you bottle it all up and then behave like a drama queen who flounces, friends will get very tired of spending time with you, because you made them feel uncomfortable when it was unnecessary. If they are good friends, don't text or write letters or E mails. See them and talk to them and explain how you felt, but apologise for how you handled it and for creating such a bad atmosphere.

bigTillyMint · 03/01/2012 12:53

They were rude and inconsiderate to leave you out - adults don't do that to each other.

However, do you think you could have come across as "I'm in charge in the kitchen" and so they thought that you wanted to be just doing that?

And WTF "the husbands were being a bit thick and did something only when asked to do so" - you should have bloody told them it was their turn if they weren't getting up to do it.

What are batch mates?

TheSecondComing · 03/01/2012 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2012 12:56

You have mis-communicated.

Perhaps they were of the frame of mind that the tidying and cleaning should be left until you were due to leave and if they didn't eat full meals, so what, they were on a break.

You just had different expectations. I have been away with other women who expected me to confine myself to where we are staying, it wasn't going to happen. One time, she blew up because' i wasn't helping her', i hadn't asked her to do anything, it wasn't how i had planned to spend my time. It sounds as though this could be the case.

overmydeadbody · 03/01/2012 12:57

I agree with AnyFucker..

Original poster
SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 13:00

Hmmm... I think I need to analyse if and why I was being so martyrish! I am normally up for fun but I do like a clean kitchen and house without (I think!!!) being OTT about it.

The reason I did not insist on chores etc. was because I was generally having such a great time with them that it didn't matter too much to me then. And I wanted to be this fun person and not rain on anyone's parade (I know I eventually did just that!!!)

The text is a good idea. I will send it now and invite them for coffee.

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 13:00

some harsh comments here! You did over-react, as you yourself have said. But if they're close friends they won't hold it against you, and will have tried to see it from your point of view. It can be hurtful to feel left out, I know. If it will make you feel better (and it sounds like it might) then do send a little card or something to the two other women, blaming PMS or similar. But otherwise really try not to analyse the situation any more, you'll only end up prolonging the agony!

The housework thing - I agree with a couple of others, I think some people put themselves in the position of leaping up to do the dishes first, or just noticing when things 'need' to be done before others do and then doing them; I'm a bit like that and while I do catch myself feeling hard-done-by, I know it's my own fault really and I could just leave stuff so there'd be a fairer division of labour.

Adversecamber · 03/01/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windsorTides · 03/01/2012 13:04

Are you going to speak to just the women about this then?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 13:04

Listen, love

Learn some lessons from this, apologise to everybody concerned and then move on.

perhaps next year, just you and H go away together. I don't personally like these "house party" type scenarios. Somebody always gets the hump.

Years ago, DH and I once went to Spain with 2 other couples. It was a nightmare, and we said "never again". the other two women expected me to traipse round the shops with them when I wanted to stay by the pool, sipping cocktails with the blokes.

There was also the 7pm "meeting" in the hotel foyer and god help ya if you didn't fancy it, and fancied a siesta shag with your husband instead Wink

Don't let it get you down, really, it's just not worth it. You sound lovely, btw, but with doormat tendencies. Work on that, and your lie will improve ininitely.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 13:06

life

infinitely

my f key is sticking

funny, that Hmm

spottyscarf · 03/01/2012 13:06

Btw, whwn we've been on this type of holiday the couples (yes that means the men too) take turns to cook each evening, with the odd meal out/takeaway included. And whoever cooks doesn't do the dishes. No other type of cleaning is really necessary tbh except for possibly the occasional hoover if anyone can be bothered!

SqueezeMeBakingPowder · 03/01/2012 13:11

If I had been the other women, I think I would feel bad now and would understand your reaction, (even though personally I wouldn't react like that because I would have said on their return 'Oh and cheers for inviting me,' in a jokey, yet 'Yes it was a bit rude of you' kind of way).

An apology from you can only be a good thing now, and just show that you have thought about it and realised you maybe over reacted. Just something light hearted saying you feel a right idiot now. They're your friends, they'll understand!

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