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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been such a jealous over reacting cow :( Should I say sorry???

201 replies

SearchSquad · 03/01/2012 12:20

Went to spend the New Year at a lovely cottage with two other families. Our DCs are the same age and we are close friends. All was well, barring minor irritants when I felt that the others were not pulling their weight and I was left with the majority of cooking and cleaning. I did not mind this too much as I am quite happy in the kitchen.

Then the other two wives went out for a looooong walk on the 31'st evening without informing me or inviting me. I waited for them to come back and say something to me. But they just came back in, put on some really loud music and started dancing without acknowledging me in anyway.

At that instant I was consumed with such red rage (PMS ???) that I went upstairs and started packing up. I told my DH to inform the others that we were leaving due to some personal work. I was sure that if I stayed any longer I was going to scream at someone or start crying.

Then everyone came to our room and kept asking what the matter was. Finally, I told them that I was feeling left out and wasn't enjoying the break any more. The women said that while they understand my anger, they had just stepped outside for some fresh air and hadn't meant to be away for so long.

We stayed back but I spent most part of the evening sulking. In the morning every one behaved like nothing had happened the night before, were quite considerate and we went on to have two good days with each other.

Now that I have come back I am trying to analyse. Was my reaction unreasonable? Should I now say sorry for my massive over reaction? Or should I just try to forget this episode and try to make up by inviting them over for dinner etc.? These are our closest family friends!

Please please, please do respond as I am going bonkers right now. DH is asking me to let it go but I spent last night awake and sobbing :(

OP posts:

MidnightinMoscow · 03/01/2012 20:06

They were mean, acting like teenage girls.

Agree with Custy that they have been successful in detracting from their crappy behaviour and placing the emphasis on your reaction, in that you now appear to be the unreasonable one.

I'd not bother inviting them later in the month, or do so but be out when they arrive, 'cos you were on a long walk'.

zest01 · 03/01/2012 20:09

I think yabu - in a group holiday the people are allowed to do things separately and in smaller groups and I am stunned some people think yanbu. They went for a walk and had a dance - you say they didn't acknowledge you when you came in but did you acknowledge them or just join in with the dancing if you wanted to?

I have a group of close friends but am closer to a couple of them and may spend time on a group holiday with just one or two - not to exclude the others but just because it's a break and I don't want to be with everyone all the time.

Next time, don't be a martyr and just don't do all the cooking. I think you should apologise yes, but don't overplay it - you had a nice couple of days so everyone has obviously moved on

runningwilde · 03/01/2012 20:15

They were out of order OP, I think they need to apologise to you AGAIN. X

upahill · 03/01/2012 20:23

This thread is just going round in circles now and nothing new is being contributed by anyone (including me)
It seems pretty clear that there are two definite camps here rather than an overwhelming majority one way or another.

Your rage and still feeling so strongly afterwards even after having two nice days and like you said your friends being considerate has flummexed me a bit especially if they hadn't acted mean (in your eyes) to you beforehand or since.

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and sometimes an incident can be blown well out of proportion that you can't see the wood for the trees. I'm not saying that to diminish your feelings, I just know it has happened to me from time to time.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/01/2012 20:25

Well, there are various things that SHOULD happen on a group holiday that didnd't in your case, OP.

You discuss the cooking of meals before you go i.e. "shall we take it in turns to cook each day?" so it's all sorted out before. And you also have to establish whether that means no-one else helps out while it's "your" night to cook and so are free to go off and do their own thing while you cook, OR whether it's agreed that your friends will stay around the place while you cook.

If someone DOES want to go for a walk then I would think it's good manners to say "I know you're cooking, but we were thinking of going for a walk while you cook, do you mind? Or would you prefer us to help you?" I'm assuming they didn't say this. If it had been me cooking I would have said "Well, where are you going? If it's somewhere I'd like to go do you mind if we do that walk tomorrow together/after dinner/whatever."

I'm not really sure how they could have been gone for hours?

It all boils down to manners, thinking of others, but also equally - speaking your mind and communicating with each other. Sounds like not much of that went on at all and resentment built up.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/01/2012 20:26

Oggy, then they must have just assumed she was busy. Really, how long would it have taken them to ask her if she wanted to go out with them?

Tabliope · 03/01/2012 20:32

In the same way you teach your child not to leave anyone out when they have a party or have friends to play, as an adult I could not have left one person in the kitchen and gone out walking with the other woman without asking her to come with us.

LeQueen · 03/01/2012 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upahill · 03/01/2012 20:44

Tabliope where does the Op says she was left in the kitchen?

We don't know the set up. for all we know the two mates could have been outside having a chat and decided to go for a stroll. So what?

So much for a relaxed weekend if you have to include everyone on every activity that you want to do.That's a joy!

Going round in circles again but if this had been one of ours a couple may have gone off then later one of them would be nattering in a group and the other one would be drinking and having a smoke with someone else. Isn't that what normally happens - that you go with the flow and relax.

I think after reading this thread I really appreciate my friends!!

LeQueen · 03/01/2012 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upahill · 03/01/2012 20:48

Oh by the way I think you sending the photos and the message was lovely.

LeQueen · 03/01/2012 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upahill · 03/01/2012 20:55

LeQueen - it was going so well, I thought we could be friends but, and it's a big but ABBA GOLD?

Honestly????

LeQueen · 03/01/2012 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upahill · 03/01/2012 21:05

Well maybe if i'm pissed I'll get up to Dancing (Le)Queen!!!

Appuskidu · 03/01/2012 21:22

Obviously I wasn't there so don't know all of the details, but you come across a little bit like a martyr over this? My MIL (when we have to see her) seems to do this-spends hours in the kitchen when nobody has asked her to-will take my washing and put it on without being asked, talk about what stage of the washing process it's at and whilst I'm sitting having breakfast-will fanny about in her nightie taking my dry washing off the airer despite being told to leave it and I will do it later. She probably goes back and tells her friends that she spent all holiday in the kitchen and doing my laundry, but I didn't ask her to-I would have done it in my own time!

Apologies if this is far from the truth, but is it possible that they didn't think the washing up etc had to be done constantly if they were on holiday and felt you were guilting them into constantly doing jobs??

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 22:55

I'm just checking back in on this thread and - blow me if LeQueen isn't still here, putting the boot in. You're like a one woman gatling gun! What you lack in sensitivity, you more than make up for in sheer bloody-minded repetition.

We get it, LeQueen: you're breezy-free-and-easy, whoopy do, your friends are too. Your social life resembles one long Jacob's Creek advert. How is any of this extended excerpt from the LeQueen show supposed to help the OP in - um - any way at all?

ClaraSage · 03/01/2012 22:59

LeQ has a point, be open/honest, express yourself so noone has to second guess you.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/01/2012 23:02

I do take LeQueen's point, but unfortunately not everyone is blessed with the kind of wonderful parents/childhood that makes them grow up with high self esteem. My self esteem was non existent a few years ago thanks to my mother, and after years of counselling it's now a lot higher, but several years ago I probably would have dealt with the situation in the same way as the OP.

Not everyone is able to be open and honest and speak their mind easily, but everyone has feelings, which at times need to be expressed however that is.

EmmaBemma · 03/01/2012 23:06

Well, in an ideal world that's what everyone would like to do! Be open/honest, express yourself etc etc. There's an Alexandrian-sized library of self-help books on that very subject because - really - not many people can! Or they're not as good as they think they are at it. Because no-one's perfect and most of us mess things up sometimes.

As for that being LeQueen's main thrust - well, you must be reading a different set of posts to me, because all I can see is someone banging on about how marvellous they are, interspersing the self-love with spiteful remarks about the OP.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 04/01/2012 01:56

I think the YANBU stance rests very much in the premise that the other two women were being exclusionary and a bit mean, but I fail to see that they were necessarily being like this at all.

I'm saying this to make you feel better, OP.

I can honestly see myself - or other of my friends - getting a bit waylaid with one particular friend in a situation like this and going off, being a bit caught up and delayed and arriving back home. Absolutely NOTHING evil or nasty or 'this-is-a-twos-game' bitchiness would have been meant at all and I'd be horrified to think that someone else may have felt that.

I understand why you're upset if you think you were left out, but if you can possibly envisage that this is not what the two women meant by their actions at all (you know, give them the benefit of the doubt; after all, they don't have form for this behaviour, nor are they horrid 13 year olds), then hopefully you can work past it all in some way. :)

diddl · 04/01/2012 08:17

OP-if these women aren´t really friends, then I would forget it now.

Just see them when you have to.

If your husband wants to spend time with his friends-fine-but spend time with your own friends, not the wives of your husbands friends.

Whatmeworry · 04/01/2012 09:12

Yanbu to be pissed off with lazy friends
Yabu to lose it
Yanbu to want things to be different next time
Yabu to think it will be if you don't change your approach

Original poster

SearchSquad · 04/01/2012 10:05

Thanks everybody! Your opinions and support has been very positive. Never had the chance to get so much advice in one go so took time to process it all. I woke up this morning feeling a lot more sane and calm with a fresh perspective.

Time to close this thread and move on I suppose!

What I do realise is that I need more inner confidence and self worth to deal with situations that I find unpleasant. And I will be working on this in the days to come.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 04/01/2012 13:14

3 is a difficult number, better to go holidays as 2 couples/families.

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