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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

296 replies

Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:10

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 31/12/2011 21:12

I am sure the vast majority of parents have times they find hard whether that is struggling with "normal" things or when something more unexpected happens.

Chubfuddler · 31/12/2011 21:12

They're lying to make themselves feel better.

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 21:15

Well with my first and my 4th I found it a doddle.

If my 3rd had been the eldest I don't think I would have had ever had another child again...

Sometimes it goes much easier than others.

By a year old they'd all had challenging times though

happydotcom · 31/12/2011 21:15

I was like you OP. I don't even remember the first few weeks of DS's life! It all past in a blur of tears , PND and chocolate scoffing :0

PinkFondantFancy · 31/12/2011 21:15

Cousin's friend is lying, fact.

perplexedpirate · 31/12/2011 21:16

Hell no. No no no no no.
The hardest thing I've ever done, albeit the most amazing.
An experience I shall never repeat.

ImpOfThePerverse · 31/12/2011 21:16

Everyone is different, I found the first few months hard going.

One friend was pregnant again when DC1 was less than 6 months old, I remember being a bit and thinking they must really be enjoying it, not pretending.

I like to think people who found the baby bit hard cope better with teenagers. I'm probably going to be wrong...

bigeyes · 31/12/2011 21:18

I didn't at that stage had got over cs but not back at work, things got harder for me when I went back to work.

Found yr3/4 harder.

Also depends on standards you set yourself inc housework cooking and certain aspects of baby itself, ie you can make it harder. But also so babies have genuine feeding issues health etc which can be desperately hard.

I'm now 32weeks and keep saying to dh mind this one might be more challenging did feint in temperant etc.

bigeyes · 31/12/2011 21:19

Different

ReduceRecycleRegift · 31/12/2011 21:19

I think this is true for some people at some points.

FWIW I found the first couple of weeks easy peasey, it was as the weeks dragged into months that it became hard.

its a rollercoaster, they're "up" at the mo and that's lovely for them, you'll have your easy stages, maybe you'll have an easier toddlerhood. It really doesn't matter don't compaire yourself too much but I do believe that some people genuinely do find the little baby stage easy (I didn't after the first few weeks, but do know others well who genuinely do seem to, not just as front)

I find toddlers easy and delightful, I have no idea what people are talking about when they say "terrible twos". But my god 3-6 months was hell on earth!

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 21:20

I will clarify when I had me eldest I was young, my dh had previously had dc so knew what to do, I bottle fed from day 1, she slept in a different room, I had an okay birth etc etc - all those factors make a huge difference.

I worked part time from when she was 9 weeks old

BertieBotts · 31/12/2011 21:21

I found it easy when DS was tiny, he slept a lot and didn't really cry much except for a bit when he was 3 months which we ended up putting down to colic, only lasted a few weeks tops anyway. I found it much harder once he could move around and needed entertainment etc.

I put it down to co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand and holding him a lot looking back and from reading others' experiences I think I was just damn lucky to have a baby who responded to this kind of thing. That and I don't think I actually tried to do a single thing other than look after him. I've always been lazy laid back about housework etc so I just kept caught up with the washing and that was about it

ZeldaUpNorth · 31/12/2011 21:21

I find babies easy, when they get to about 2yo and start thinking for themselves and being stubborn i dislike. In fact i just said to my friend today i want another baby if i can give it away when its 2 lol. (Obviously i was joking)

LadyFlumpalot · 31/12/2011 21:22

DS has just turned 1...the last 12 months have, to some extent, been hell. Late onset PND, perpetual skintness, the realisation that DS doesn't give a toss if I'm tired, not well or upset, he still needs attending to. Etc, etc.

On the other hand, I have my amazing, beautiful baby boy - so it all balances out.

jumpyjan · 31/12/2011 21:23

DH and I were just discussing how hard we found the early months with both our DS and DD. It was hard work with very little sleep. I remember some people saying how easy they found it but their babies slept through at a young age. Def the hardest thing I have ever done.

MrsMumf · 31/12/2011 21:24

How supportive of her!

I'm with you, by the way, it's hard at times.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 31/12/2011 21:24

." In fact i just said to my friend today i want another baby if i can give it away when its 2 lol."

I say to my friends that I'ld have 10 kids if they could be handed to me as toddlers not little babies maybe we should buddy up!

MsBazinga · 31/12/2011 21:24

I honestly don't think anyone finds it easy to begin with - you're exhausted, in shock, physically battered & bruised (and possibly stitched) - and you've got this demanding little stranger needing your attention day and night. Fine if you have a large support network to enable you to rest and an easier-than-average baby to boot. Bloody hard work by anyone's standards!

To me the first few months were definitely the hardest time. I found the 'terrible twos' and teenage years so easy in comparison.

diddl · 31/12/2011 21:25

I think that on the whole I found it easier than I thought I would and was very lucky in being able to sleep when baby did.

But i do remember having days when all that got me through was knowing that there would be an afternoon nap-for us both

That said, if I was struggling/finding it hard, I´m sure I never told anyone anyway...

BadRoly · 31/12/2011 21:26

My memory is that I found the first one easy BUT I can remember dh sending me to bed in the middle of the night because at least that would stop me crying...

I do know that 1 to 2 was much much harder and I really struggled for a long time.

I think I am essentially optimistic and can "block" smaller blips so my overall memory with dd1 is positive but ds1 was continuous rather than blips so my overall memory is negative. I hope that makes sense...

ReduceRecycleRegift · 31/12/2011 21:26

it is annoying though how it can be unacceptable at baby groups/gathering to say you're enjoying it. The compeditive suffering can be annoying and the reaction you get if you're asked how sleeping/feeding is going and you say "great" can be icey!

good on her for being honest, I felt pressured to play down the things that I found easy but my mum friends struggled with

openyerlugholes · 31/12/2011 21:28

I didn't cope at all with my first, in any shape or form. Extreme pnd. Awful, awful birth. Didn't bond. Couldn't bf. She wouldn't feed or sleep properly for at least the first 5 months. The whole experience was horrendous for about 6mths.

The other 3 I found to be much easier although the first 6wks with them all was sheer hell imo. Think I didn't expect as much from myself with subsequent dds. Had such high expectations with dd1 I was doomed to fail.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 31/12/2011 21:31

." In fact i just said to my friend today i want another baby if i can give it away when its 2 lol."

I say to my friends that I'ld have 10 kids if they could be handed to me as toddlers not little babies maybe we should buddy up!

MsBazinga I had a crash section, no local support, medical problems, but the early days were easy for me, the baby just slept most of the day! My house was the tidiest it had ever been because I was bored in between feeds when he just slept. It wasn't till the day sleeping went right down a couple of months later and he was more alert and demanding more stimulation that I found it hard. (then it was VERY hard)

stillwaitingforbaby · 31/12/2011 21:32

It's probably not true, she probably does find things hard at times but maybe not as hard as she was expecting, or doesn't feel she can talk about it. I've had an easy pregnancy, well no I haven't lots have things have been hard so when people ask I just say I'm lucky it's gone really well. I don't want to moan at people and I don't want advice or scare stories so I smile and lie. Also if I say something is difficult they've had it ten times harder or know someone who has which doesn't help me or make me feel better regardless of how well they mean. I do open up to my friend who recently had a baby and my nct group ladies but they are going through it all as well.

I certainly wouldn't be surprised that she said it's been great to a person who doesn't have children, it could be difficult to explain the things she finds hard to someone who can't empathise so takes the route of saying all is fine.

HorribleDay · 31/12/2011 21:33

YANBU - all children will provide their parents with a challenging period...!

My one and only (now and forever more) DS has in many ways been an 'easy' baby (whatever that means - not sure it's the right phrase) - BF well, slept through from 15 weeks, weaned easily, no colic, good eater, only 1 bout of illness in first year, didn't realise he was teething til he bit me, with 2 teeth... But he's a non-napper and has a severe
case of what dermatologist thinks may be very very early onset psoriaisis. I'm not bothered (most days) about the naps and skin care regime just took practice - but can see how those two things could be really challenging if something else kicked off too IYSWIM? Plus I'm very laid back, as is DH, about my expectations of myself as a mother and couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks about my parenting methods which helps!

We've had a very difficult year with life stuff so thank God the motherhood part has been easy....

.... I fully expect him to be a hellish toddler ;-)

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