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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

296 replies

Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:10

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

OP posts:
maras2 · 31/12/2011 21:33

1'st time for us was so bad that it took 6 years to even think about another.2nd.was pure text book joy.If I'd had that child first then I would've had a squad of them.Text book child is 30 next week and first born is 37 and expecting DC2.So just enjoying the grandparenting.Oops back to G's Net for me.Happy New Year Ohnoredundo and family. Mx.

BrianButterfield · 31/12/2011 21:34

My DS is four months old and I would say it's pretty easy so far. I'm lucky because he's easy-going, sleeps and feeds well, never cries for no good reason and is very sociable. I do have the odd moment of stress of course but it's easier than being at work, by far. I'd definitely have another if I knew they'd be exactly the same as the first one! I have plenty of people to talk to and no reason to lie - they would be very supportive if I was having problems. DH is brilliant as well. Sometimes it feels like I should lie and make things up...

PuraVida · 31/12/2011 21:34

I've had two absolute dreams of babies. Never Ill, never cry, happy, sleep well, content. Everything you could wish for

I'm also incredibly lucky to be surrounded by supportive, kind, understanding, not pains in the arse at all family

I am unbelievably lucky, but have also found new motherhood shocking, terrifying and baffling and exhausting

The first few weeks were a living hell. Christ that tiredness, and the hormones :(

Ghastly.

LaVitaBellsAreRinging · 31/12/2011 21:35

I have year old twin girls and was spouting the same rubbish when they were a few weeks old. I told everyone that I would be having twins boys next Blush, they pretty much slept all the time in the begining, I ate chocolate and had long baths in the afternoon Grin
It gradually got harder and harder, swings and roundabouts, highs and lows for everyone but fantastic all the same Smile

PreHeatedOven · 31/12/2011 21:35

At 4 months it's easier than as they get older IMHO.It's similar to when people say their child sleeps through the night... I later find out that just means not feeding and being asleep for 5 hours straight.
And it isn't just first time mums who find it hard sometimes I don't think.

BrianButterfield · 31/12/2011 21:36

And of course I know it could all change at any stage. DH and I are taking the approach that if he does get difficult to handle at any time, we'll just count ourselves lucky that we had such a good start.

tethersend · 31/12/2011 21:36

When people say that having a baby is easy, it makes me wonder how unutterably hard their lives must have been before children...

reallytired · 31/12/2011 21:37

Your cousin is childless and has nothing to offer in such a consversation.

I was in an utter dire mess with my first child. I ended up ridicolously ill, I had a nice, but completely ineffectual health visitor. I had terrible anxiety as well as depression.

My second baby was really easy. I had a more experienced health visitor and I have been healthy.

I think that most women find motherhood hard, even if they enjoy it.

Meglet · 31/12/2011 21:37

The first 6 weeks of DS's life were a miserable blur. I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I wasn't really showering or brushiny my teeth, poo-y laundry was dumped in the bath inbetween loads, didn't have foggiest how to leave the house, horrible time. It did slowly improve after that though.

DD was much more chilled out, very easy to bf, didn't wail and I knew what I was doing. Much better experience in her early days.

LadyFlumpalot · 31/12/2011 21:38

And oh my god, the mastitis which hit on the same day as my PIL visited for the first time...

PreHeatedOven · 31/12/2011 21:38

However ds2 is a dream!

WhiteTrash · 31/12/2011 21:38

Dc1 0-4 months was very hard

Dc2 0-4 months was blissfully easy and would have continued that way had it not been for his health problems.

Dc1 toddler was very easy age 3-4 was very hard.

Nver · 31/12/2011 21:41

Life with my son who is now six is brilliant. However I hated the baby stage in fact i found it so hard. I struggled at adapting, coping with the sudden responsibility and most of all the tiredness ( oh soooo tired). Did my best and struggled through right up until he was two (ish) when it became easier. I enjoyed parenthood from then and love it now. So there is hope ahead. Don't worry what people say - they may struggle at different stage!!!
Does not mean you are no good at parenting or love your child any the less. Grin

gastrognome · 31/12/2011 21:43

I found it much much easier than I'd been expecting. Everybody had told me how hard life was with a newborn, and I wasn't really a "baby" person anyway (so I thought). Was threfore expecting the first few months to be awful (was looking forward to having a toddler, TBH), so was pleasantly surprised to discover that I loved the baby phase. I found the toddler phase much harder, ironically enough!

Xmasbaby11 · 31/12/2011 21:46

Some babies are definitely easier than others, so mothers can be lucky, also temperament and expectations vary wildly - some may expect far too much of themselves and get stressed easily. I think it's natural that some people take motherhood more in their stride than others - the same as any other life changing event like having a new profession, partner or moving somewhere new.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 31/12/2011 21:47

DD was my first and was the easiest, most scrummy darling baby ever!
She did everything when she was supposed.
She was never poorly (until she was 12 Sad
She slept through at about 6 weeks apart from a quick feed at night.
She fed and ate everything.
She smiled and laughed and only cried when she was hungry or tired.

Yet do you think I could get out of the house before 11am?
Do you think I could clean anything or cook a proper meal?
Do you think I could get through the week without thinking I was the worst mother ever?

Nope.

I found all the other 4 DCs easy peasy.

Now I am 44 and my youngest scrummy baby is 20mths old its a doddle. BUT I never want to forget how hard it was with DD because then I will be like those horrible women who sneer at new mums.

WHY do they do that? Do they honestly not remember what it was like?

champagnevanity · 31/12/2011 21:54

Yes, i have found it easy to most extents
I live with my parents and they help out all the time,
I dont have to do any housework, and they dont expect me too, - i do a little bit, babys washing, bottles, ect,
I have no worries about money, bills, food ect
I can still have nights out if i like
and i'm off back to work very soon, which i can imagine i will find not having enough sleep very hard.
I have worried myself silly about ''The rest of my life'' which has been the hardest bit,

up untill now, very easy, the next bit - dont even want to think about it!

MsBazinga · 31/12/2011 21:56

I agree Xmasbaby. My expectations were a tad unrealistic - I'd read the books & thought my first baby would just feed and sleep for the first two months...

Very Envy of those who did have babies like that!

Original poster
Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:57

Oh I'm so glad I started this thread. Was feeling v. paranoid. FWIW I've had heinous post natal anxiety which hasn't helped but I just can't help feeling so jealous when new mums seem to bask in happiness (does that make me awful?!). I realise how blessed I am having such a beautiful, funny, clever and cheeky DS (9 months), but I do feel a bit confused when people stop me in the street to say "isn't it just great?" "isn't it just the greatest?". I want to rave about it too but I'd be lying. Yes DS is an angel and there have been moments of bliss but life for me being a new mum, to be blunt, has been hell on earth at points too.

OP posts:
JollySantaJackrum · 31/12/2011 21:58

I think people lie. Folk were surprised when I answered honestly and said how hard the lack of sleep was, how difficult I was finding bfing and generally how tough it was.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 31/12/2011 22:03

Yes people lie but I lied about how easy it was at first because I didn't want to be smug when my friends were in tears about babies not feeding or gaining weight etc. I was on a birth group forum and I stopped posting because I had nothing to moan about and the moaning seemed... compulsary?

tanfastic · 31/12/2011 22:03

I've had friends who have said they've found it easy and I've really believed them. However their babies slept through the night from two weeks, hardly ever cried - dream babies. Mine was total opposite and my maternity leave passed in a complete blur mostly with me thinking what the fuck have I done Confused. I think some people are blessed with happy contended babies and some have more erm spirited children. Luck of the draw.
My next one is going to be content and happy.... No really they are!Hmm

ReduceRecycleRegift · 31/12/2011 22:05

well I didn't LIE but I played it down and did a lot of nodding as if I was finding it hellish too, when I wasn't... yet!

molly3478 · 31/12/2011 22:05

Its ot as hard as everyone makes out,but then again I dont think anything ever is. If you think something is going to be really difficult then when you do it its not that bad then you are always pleasantly surprised!

I do think babies are quiet easy they cant move anywhere, you can take them wherever you like in the pram, easy to transport etc.

alittlebitcountry · 31/12/2011 22:07

YANBU - some days its a doddle, but surely everyone finds it hard work at times?
The first month with DD was intense but DH was with us on leave and holiday, so on the whole it was pleasant and we had lots of afternoons out, even with the sleeplessness and feeding.
When he went back to work it felt like an uphill battle - some days just getting dressed by 2pm was an achievment.
By the time she was 4months I'd got into my stride and we could go out, she'd nap and feed wherever we were and still still stayed where you left her.
I was also surprised how much I enjoyed that baby phase, and I think 6m onwards has been much more work - solid food is so much more of a chore than just milk feeds, and with the ability to move she got the frustrations of being thwarted.