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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

296 replies

Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:10

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

OP posts:

BrianButterfield · 03/01/2012 13:34

MixedBerries - I mean this in the nicest possible way - to describe life with a little baby as a living nightmare is not normal. I think you need to talk to somebody about how you're feeling and maybe get assessed for PND. Have you spoken to your GP or HV about it?

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 03/01/2012 13:35

People do have different experiences of BFing though NotnOtter - like birth and everything else !

I found BFing easy - but it was endless at times !!

Hope you'll be enjoying life with little DS soon MixedBerries - through the gales I can smell Spring is in the air !

lilbitneurotic · 03/01/2012 13:38

My DS is almost 5 months and I can honestly say I've found it easy . . . so far. I'm aware it can change at any time. I have a baby who (breast) feeds and sleeps well and has done since day 1. This is luck I know.

mmmerangue · 03/01/2012 14:03

Part of me thinks she is lying because she is terrified that to admit something is hard would break a wall down and she would be in floods of tears for weeks... but maybe she really is that blissful?!

I am a first time mum and have decided I am firmly NOT a baby person, I wasn't before I had one, I found and am still finding the first year hard. I can't wait till my boy is talking, walking and feeding himself and then I think the REAL fun will begin. Not that he's not funny, entertaining, amazing, beautiful, and special and ofc I love him more than anything in the world. But I'm still not a baby person!

My partners mother is the woman 'born to be a mum', loves babies, and his sister is the same; she has just had her first child a week before Christmas, before giving birth was determined to have another within 6 months!! That has sharply been put off I think. She's still 'better at babies' than me but having the same issues and fun any new mum would. I'm SO glad she didn't turn into that blissful cousin's friend, or I might have had to find some new inlaws!

Traceymac2 · 03/01/2012 15:20

It is hard at times but I wouldn't be without them even though they have aged me by 20yrs! I think some people are lucky and get babies that eat and sleep really well from very early on, these are few and far between from my experience. Maybe your friend has one of these rare ones! My first baby didn't sleep through for the first 5 months, my second still hasn't and she is 19 months! Both had severe reflux too. The second was easier though because I knew what todo and what to expect.

Original poster

Ohnoredundo · 03/01/2012 15:35

I don't think mixedberries is referring to her baby as a living nightmare, but the relentlessness of a new baby! to call her 'not normal' is not nice at all. In fact I would call this very normal, in my experience anyway.

OP posts:

sheepgomeep · 03/01/2012 15:40

I found my first dc such a shock. I was 22 and in a steady relationship, full time job and a mortgage. But nothing on earth prepared me for the sleepless nights and the relentless grind of it all.

Ds had many problems, he had kidney reflux and was hospitalized several times and he was hyper and not very sociable. We knew something wasn't right but thought someho w that all kids went through it because we had no other child to compare him with.

He has adhd and is currently waiting for an autism assessment. No wonder we found it hard. He is 12 now.

Looking back I had pnd which was diagnosed after having dd1. In fact I found all my dc hard except dd3. She's been a breeze up until now but she reminds me of ds a lot and problems with her are just starting.

I lost my dad after having dd2 about 2 weeks after in fact and that affected me deeply and I didn't enjoy her babyhood at all as I was grieving which triggered a return of my pnd.

I'm not having any more

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 03/01/2012 15:42

But BB didn't quite put it like that dundo - just suggesting I think that maybe mixedberries could do with some support and advice !

Traceymac2 · 03/01/2012 15:44

There were times in the midst of dealing with reflux and a toddler climbing all over the kitchen table while trying to get my other dd to feed for up to 10 hrs a day (which she wouldn't and was losing weight) when I felt like walking out of the door and not going back. I never did of course but mentally I was on the brink! I am about to have no 3 so it didn't cause me any lasting damage I am glad to say!

BrianButterfield · 03/01/2012 16:04

I didn't say she was not normal - I know people find it difficult but I think "living nightmare" is very extreme and worrying to me. Certainly none of my new mum friends have used such strong terms to describe their feelings. By saying everyone feels like this we might be overlooking someone in very real need of help and support.

jjkm · 03/01/2012 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toptramp · 03/01/2012 17:13

I don't see how finding motherhood hard means that people think one dosn't love their dc or enjoy any of it. Noone has actually said that but I think that's how some people think. I find it hard but adore dd and absoluetely love some of the precious moments we have. But I hate the drudgery that goes with it. I once found mouldy cheese behind the telly for example!

I am so of those who find it a breeze though.

TreacleSoda · 03/01/2012 17:28

I found the first week of my first child's life to be overwhelming, but it was mainly because I was still in the hospital and I had no real sleep at all for about 8 days. Once I got home, and DH could help and support me, I found it fairly straightforward.

BUT, and here is the big but, I think the reason I found it easy was because I had seen two of my elder sisters go through the utter utter hell of severe postnatal depression, and as this was my only 'experience' of parenthood, I thought that it was just what happened when you have a baby. So, although DD had reflux so it wasn't all plain sailing, I just found it easy compared to what I had seen them go through.

I hope this makes sense, because I am afraid of sounding smug, but really I expected it to be hell and was pleasantly surprised when it was just exhausting....

motherinferior · 03/01/2012 17:30

God yes, certainly a living nightmare.

Mixedberries, my love, it does improve. Really it does.

Original poster

Ohnoredundo · 03/01/2012 17:32

Point taken - I suppose as someone who has suffered badly with PNA I would have used those words exactly 'living nightmare'. Not my DS or looking after him - just my own mental state. The reason why I questioned mixed's experience referred to as 'not normal' is that other people reassuring me that they too had moments of feeling like that helped me a great deal. I think as new mums we all desperately want to feel 'normal'.

Absolutely agree with above poster - my DS is so amazing yet if I do tell people I've found adapting hard I feel as though I have to constantly say 'but I love DS, but I love DS'.

OP posts:

buterflies · 04/01/2012 10:11

My DS1 now 6 year old had lactose intolerance which I didnt know about until he was 8 week old. It was hell on earth, as I was breast feeding and averaging 3 hrs sleep in a full day. I had to give up breast feeding as he was so allergic even to my milk and I ended up with Post Natal depression.

I found it incredibly difficult to cope with this demanding screaming little thing and I honestly think that if I had not had such a supportive family and found out what was causing his distress I would have had a total breakdown.

Luckily he grew out of the lactose intolerance and after a very rocky start, we now have a fantastic bond and he is my world.

It does get easier x

MixedBerries · 04/01/2012 12:15

Oh dear. I didn't mean to start a fight. Yes, I do have PND and panic attacks. Like I said, I can only hope it gets better.
Ohnoredundo is right in that my baby in himself is not a living nightmare, just my situation. In all honesty though, even if I didn't have PND, I would struggle to find what exactly about these first few weeks is meant to be enjoyable. The only lighter moments come when he smiles and laughs with me.
Incidentally, my HV said most new mothers find it very hard going and unenjoyable but that it does get better when the baby becomes a bit more interactive and they don't have to feed every half hour. I assume she's met a few new mothers. So I don't think it's completely abnormal to feel like this.
(We are having problems with tongue tie, which has been snipped twice but he still doesn't feed very well- we have to use a mix of breast feeding and bottle feeding boob milk). The plus side is that he does sleep at night in 3 or 4 hour chunks. If he didn't I think I'd have just walked out by now as I simply wouldn't be able to cope and he would have been better off looked after by someone who can.
And I completely agree with the poster (sorry, haven't read back) who said that just because you find it hard, it doesn't mean you don't love your baby as much as someone who finds it easy. Nor does it mean you're a bad or neglectful parent.

MixedBerries · 04/01/2012 12:19

Oh, and those who find it easy simply stun me. I've no doubt that some do find it easy and I don't think they're necessarily fibbing but still, I'm stunned. Well done to you all whatever you're doing! Just goes to show that it's impossible to extraoplate from your own experience. We all have very different experiences and situations and no-one should be judged.

CailinDana · 04/01/2012 12:35

As far as I can tell, absolutely no one on this thread has said that finding it hard means you don't love your baby or are neglectful. If someone can point me in the direction of a post that does say that then I'll accept I'm wrong. What I have read is the assumption that people who do say they find it easy must be lying, which is a very odd thing to think.

I found it relatively easy but I have total sympathy for those who found it hard and I can completely understand why they might feel that way.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 04/01/2012 13:10

Another thought - I think I might be saying I found my first relatively easy because I'm looking back over ten years on the experience. At the time I might well have said I was shattered !

MixedBerries · 04/01/2012 13:35

CailinDana, maybe I should have been more specific- you're quite right that no post on this thread has said that directly. However, a few posts have echoed my words and have alluded that it can be an assumption in wider society. It is a related issue. Many other threads and posts on MN have outright stated that if you find it hard then you must be a crap parent. But wrt the original post, I agree that it certainly is possible that some find it easy and it doesn't mean that they're lying. I think I said that already.

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