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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

296 replies

Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:10

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

OP posts:
Strawberrytallcake · 01/01/2012 14:18

Ooh it really surprises me that lots of you think 2.5+ is difficult. My lo is 3 and is amazing, I love this age because she can understand everything and is my friend as well as my dd. Tantrums are amusing because they have to be. The naughty step is also a close friend of mine.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 01/01/2012 14:21

"But I can't see how anyone can describe a time filled with sleep deprivation as "easy". Unless they are like Margaret Thatcher who claimed to be happy on 4 hours sleep a night."

we never had sleepLESS nights apart from one or two where DS had a bad bug and temp, there was always plenty of sleep it was just broken for very short periods where there was a quick feed then we all went back to sleep. I BF so didn't have to get up and get bottles. Its not the same experience for everyone and it's insulting to say that people are "talking bollocks" as has been suggested on here if they say they found it a doddle or pure hell 100x worse than they imagined.

As for hands on DH. Yeah I had one of those but he only had a very short paternity leave, most of which I was still in hospital for. Hands on retired grandparents can make more of an impact IMHO

ReduceRecycleRegift · 01/01/2012 14:22

"The girl is clearly in denial"

are some of you re-reading what you're posting here? how very patronising!

EllenandBump · 01/01/2012 14:26

Maybe you should look at the upside- either you have had trouble now and the child will then be a dream until aged 25 when they have a good job and move into their own place or you are prepared for what you will face during their growing up! I struggled, everyone does, i think sometimes people find it easier if they have a partner who is doing a share of the work, and as to whether the baby sleeps through of a night. I was okay until my son was 10months old when i was diagnosed with PND, But i had been struiggling for some time. People expect you to be on top of the world at your bundle of joy... what they dont also realise is that a baby is EXHAUSTING WORK. Dont feel alone, you are not!

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 01/01/2012 14:34

I guess it's one of those things, I don't feel able to talk so much about my ds's birth as it was so fantastic, and it can be seem as competitive smugging by people who had less good experiences. So the myth perpetuates that it has to be difficult. With my first, the birth was horrible, but when dd was a baby she was an actual dream and I didn;t struggle that much . With my second, it was very different. Great birth but ds was a very very difficult baby, I had no support and the whole thing felt like an uphill struggle, and one that a lot of the time I just didn't know how to deal with. THe jump from one to two also shouldn;t be underestimated. I do wonder if I percieved dd as being so easy as I could just disappear off for a nap with her and sleep when she slept. With subsequent children, that gets less and less realistic ime.

Strawberrytallcake · 01/01/2012 14:50

I am re-reading it and from my point of view I stand by it.

Would you like to tell me I'm not allowed a point of view? You may also refer to me by name rather than 'some of you' if you like.

Firawla · 01/01/2012 14:52

I dont think it it has to be all that hard, although maybe it depends on the baby and on your expectations and a load of other things all combined.
I have 3 and generally i dont find newborn stage that hard, with my 1st i thought it was easier than expected (people talk as though you will never sleep again and they scream all the time - none of which turned out to be very true) but when he started crawling i found that harder until i adjusted to it, cos suddenly he was getting everywhere and into everything. There will always be some days and times harder and easier than others but its crazy for people to say mums who overall find it easy are lying!!!
It must be hard when they suffer a lot from colic or reflux or allergic to milk or very bad sleepers etc etc but not all babies are like that. If i got one of those im sure i would change my mind about them being easy, but some babies are quite easy.

BrianButterfield · 01/01/2012 14:53

But the point is, she's not "clearly" in denial - plenty of people here have said at 4 months they were not finding it difficult, and they have no reason to lie (especially because a large number of people on this thread flat-out don't believe them anyway).

Haziedoll · 01/01/2012 14:59

The newborn bit was easy for me, even more so second time round.

The hardest time for me is from 1-2, I really find this a challenging age. I can remember when ds1 turned 1 all my ante-natal friends were saying that things were starting to get easier but I felt the opposite the first year had been a doddle but now I had a wilful toddler and I was struggling to cope.

Strawberrytallcake · 01/01/2012 15:35

Blah, I still stand by it and I wanted to be supportive to op, of what use are you on this thread right now?

nearlytherenow · 01/01/2012 15:40

I think I said this this after DS1 was born. The first 4 months with both of mine were lovely and easily, and if nature had complied I would happily have got pregnant again straight away. Both times, however, things changed around the 4 month mark, and by about 6 months I was losing the plot entirely...

Pandemoniaa · 01/01/2012 15:51

Very young babies are not necessarily as difficult as the rest of the world will assure you they will be. DS1 slept well, fed well and was generally contented. Which was useful since I was entirely clueless about babies and was amazed that anyone in authority had actually let me out of hospital in charge of one.

That's not to say everything was easy, as such. Just not horrendously hard. So if someone had asked me, when ds1 was 4 months old, how I was finding it, "great" would probably have been an honest response.

What nobody had prepared me for was my cheery little boy turning into a veritable Maestro of Tantrums when he was 15 months old. Nor the cheerful insomniac that was ds2 who was born when the Lord of All Tantrums was 18 months old. So 18 months later, if asked the same question, my honest response would have been "it's a bit of a challenge, actually."

Which is why it is a mistake to assume anyone is being untruthful if the current state of affairs is all good. Who knows what is around the corner? Because for sure, something challenging will be.

naughtymummy · 01/01/2012 16:07

I found it much easier than I thoight I would. For.menewborns.are.easy to look after. My job pre-children involved 14 hour shiftson my feet. Looking after ababy is.sooomuch easier. I also.felt excluded.from chats about how diffocult.it.all.is.

naughtymummy · 01/01/2012 16:15

I think its also worth mentioning I had great maternity pay (from said job) I felt like I had plenty of money and almost unlimited leisure. I am talking about the first 6 months btw. After that ds made far more demands. By 15 months did not feel like a holiday so much...

OldMumsy · 01/01/2012 17:18

I used to console myself that I was dealing with above average smart kids who were more demanding so I had a harder time, but in retrospect I was just not great mummy material, can earn a living though so not all bad. Concentrate on the love and cuddles and you will get through.

birdsofshoreandsea · 01/01/2012 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 01/01/2012 17:28

I also had a really hard exhausting stressful shiftwork job before hand like you naughtymummy, so that probably influenced my perception of how tiring getting up for 20 mins at 2 or 5am is when you can go back to sleep afterwards and don't have to look and be professional at that time of night/early morning. When you've done night shifts then getting up a few times to feed your baby will never = your idea of a proper sleepless night which you work flat out through. Might be different with no.2, a different baby might REALLY be up all night unlike DS 1, but am hoping to time it so that DS1 is at school so I can still have that lovely 10am nap I used to have with him (which again, you don't get at work!).. course no.2 could be a completely different kettle of fish in every way - no way to know?

nulgirl · 01/01/2012 17:38

I am NOT in denial. I have said I found it easy because I did. I can well believe other people found it hard going but for me it was fine. Both times I sailed through the first year. My dd has always been an easy child but my son almost broke me as a toddler. Other people find toddlers lovely and cute but I hated that stage.

rhondajean · 01/01/2012 17:42

I found it easy BUT at times it was very hard. Does that make sense?

I'm not sure I can explain what I mean.

I also had a five year gap between babies. I think what I mean is I had easy babies, good routines, but there is a lot of work, and with first babies soooo much worry that you are getting it right?

RainboweBrite · 01/01/2012 17:45

Of course you are right, OP. I think anyone who says otherwise has forgotten or is lying. I have to say I far preferred the toddler stage to the baby stage, which is probably why I still haven't decided on DC2, 9 years after DS. came along!

toptramp · 01/01/2012 17:45

OP I think your cousins friends are a little bit mental. The hardest thing for me was and still is missing my old life and my freedoms VERY. MUCH. INDEED. However, it is also an amazing magical time but definately not a doddle imo.

Also I think that mabe they are just saying that to convince themselves. Being a parent is the toughest job there is and extends way beyond the baby moon. I wouldn't have missed it for the world though. It is amazing.

toptramp · 01/01/2012 17:47

Does noone find the complete change of life a tinsy bit difficult? The inability just to walk out of the door without planning a bit draining? The lack of intellectual stimulation a bit well boring? Especially with the first?

Gigondas · 01/01/2012 17:49

Yes top tramp- I remember sitting on bed thinking how would I ever do anything even popping to corner shop without it being a major operation. Whatever shock dd2 brings I can't believe I will
Have that level of feeling overwhelmed.

rhondajean · 01/01/2012 17:51

I found it harder with the second tramp because with the first I was busy learning the baby stuff.

I moved into a doer upper when she was four months by the time I was getting bored!

Second one I knew how to do things and she slept loads, I was out with her in the pram volunteering by a fewe months old.

But it was still hard at times, even though I dont get the people who haven't showered for a week!

Id swap hormonal 12 year old for 12 week old in a flash though.

nulgirl · 01/01/2012 17:52

I do agree that a lot of it is expectations and the worry that you aren't doing things right. That never bothered me with newborns but I always felt under pressure with toddlers as I felt that their behaviour reflected more on me iyswim. With babies I didnt expect them to sleep well so didn't get as stressed when they were both crap sleepers.

I have got friends who found the newborn stage awful as they followed gina ford type books then thought they were a failure if their babies weren't sleeping through at 6 weeks.