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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

296 replies

Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:10

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

OP posts:
igginezerscrooge · 01/01/2012 10:31

I can see that some people find it easier/harder than others.
But I can't see how anyone can describe a time filled with sleep deprivation as "easy". Unless they are like Margaret Thatcher who claimed to be happy on 4 hours sleep a night.

molly3478 · 01/01/2012 10:36

I agree with caitlindana. I think if you have a hands on DH it really isnt that much of a big deal having a baby. I was doing my degree and took no maternity leave thats was difficult as you have to think but the baby bit was much easier as you dont have to think.

BrianButterfield · 01/01/2012 10:36

It's possible that at 4 months, the baby sleeps well. At the moment my DS sleeps 8-4, wakes for a quick feed, feeds again at 7.30 and will often doze off after that too. I am a little tired, but I get more sleep than I did when I had to get up at 6.30 for work every morning.

igginezerscrooge · 01/01/2012 10:51

Molly that's exactly the kind of statement that leads other mothers to feeling they can't talk about the reality of what they are going through.
A "hands on DH" is still likely to be at work 5 days a week, the brunt of it all falls to the one at home. I'm glad you found it easy but why do you feel the need to extrapolate that it is the same for everyone?

igginezerscrooge · 01/01/2012 10:51

Molly that's exactly the kind of statement that leads other mothers to feeling they can't talk about the reality of what they are going through.
A "hands on DH" is still likely to be at work 5 days a week, the brunt of it all falls to the one at home. I'm glad you found it easy but why do you feel the need to extrapolate that it is the same for everyone?

RidingInTheMidnightBlue · 01/01/2012 10:53

molly always pops up on these threads saying how easy it is, so don't take it to heart.

motherinferior · 01/01/2012 10:56

My partner was extremely hands on, and was at home for the best part of the first month. However, he didn't feel as if he'd been kicked in the stomach by a horse. He was sleepless, yes, but not in pain. And he wasn't stuffing handfuls of spare stomach back into enormous trousers.

Orbinator · 01/01/2012 10:57

I have a nearly 5 month old and I haven't had many issues but I KNOW this is the EASY part. I fully expect it to get far more challenging when she can move around on her own, talk non-stop, make huge amounts of mess, scream shops down because she wants something etc etc. I, like you, do not understand why new mum's who's baby isn't even 4 months yet already talk of doing it all again.
Why?

Did they love 9 months of pregnancy? No, I was there with them and they (like me) moaned. Did they love the birth? No it was the worst pain they have ever experienced. Yes, a baby is a joy and amazing but why rush onto the next one before you even see the first one walk/talk? I certainly don't want to be pregnant and still trying to figure out my first child's needs! It's a learning curve and each to their own but the thought of it really isn't for me right now; I've enough to look forward to with this one!

Ambi · 01/01/2012 11:15

I have to say I found it easy, perhaps because I'm a natural pessamist and was expecting a godawful time of it but pleasantly surprised, couldn't understand why everyone made it out to be hard. She was an easy baby who slept a LOT. From 2.5 onwards I've found it soooo hard though, the cheekiness and stubborness just drives me crazy. DC2 I'm expecting to be much harder as a baby.

igginezerscrooge · 01/01/2012 11:24

Thanks, RidingintheMidnightBlue.

igginezerscrooge · 01/01/2012 11:24

Thanks, RidingintheMidnightBlue.

mummytime · 01/01/2012 11:26

Basically different parents find different stages easier/harder. Also all babies are different. Ds slept through from 10 weeks, which was lovely. I think I first got 7 hours sleep with DD1 at about 5 months, and it was as good as a holiday.

Also let be honest, how honest are you with casual enquiries about how it is going? To someone not that interested and/or childless, I might well cover up the tricky bits. Some friends probably knew far less about the issues than my SIL, who I'm not close to but is good in a crisis, and had had kids.

I didn't have a hard pregnancy, but a friend (who has 5 kids) always had awful ones. I like the first 10 weeks or so, and don't find them that much of a struggle. I find 18 months + a challenge. Find some parts of teenagers really fun, others awful. And so on.

nulgirl · 01/01/2012 11:29

Everyone is different. I personally found newborns easy in spite of the sleep deprivation and the constant bf. Started a new job when my first born was 4 months old and had another baby when she was 2. I swanned around feeling on top of the world. My crash point came when ds became a toddler. I really struggled as he was such hard work. It is only becoming easier now he is 3. I love having a 3yo and a 5yo even though I am a full time single mum.

tethersend · 01/01/2012 11:31

I had an exceptionally easy baby who slept. It was utter HELL.

She's 3 now, and I think it gets easier. I love her being able to tell me what's wrong if she's ill and being able to trick reason with her. Also, she slept until 10.30 this morning Smile

Am currently pg with no.2 and am fully expecting it to be a nightmare for the first 6 months.

notveryinventive · 01/01/2012 11:40

Not read every reply, but here's my experience of my 3 when they were babies.

DC1 found very easy, couldnt believe how easy it was as expected it to be much harder.
DC2 found a little harder, but could cope.
DC3 currently 14 weeks old. Finding very difficult. Looking forward to her being a little toddler running about all over the place.

If DC3 had been my first not sure if I would have had any more TBH.

I actually think the first is easier because you can sleep when they do. We often found ourselves getting up with DC1 about 5AM then going back to bed till 10ish. With DCs2 and 3 this is not possible because we have to be up for DC1.

RunWorkCook · 01/01/2012 11:43

I found the new baby stage easy and enjoyable despite having two terrible sleepers. I am fortunate in needing relatively little sleep myself which I think makes a huge difference. I loved having an excuse to sit and feed and cuddle my babies all day and all night

However I am finding the toddler stage tough and much more relentless, as when they're awake it has to be all about them, whereas I could pop my babies in a sling and do what I wanted with my day.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 11:51

To suggest that someone is lying because they say they aren't finding it difficult, is insulting, though.

The bit i found 'difficult' was the isolation after having my first at 17, the rest was easy. I found having my next two close together after ten years, a doddle (my DH worked away from home and i had no help). I only had a gap because of miscarriages and a resulting period of infertility.

If i had a close family i wouldn't have been isolated. It is down to personality, accepting change, expectations and other factors which we all differ in, so you can only speak for yourself.

I have just come out of a tough teenage stage with my middle one, so swings and roundabouts, i suppose.

tethersend · 01/01/2012 11:57

I think it was the fact that I was so in control of my life pre-child; I was out every night, working in a job I loved, loads of disposable income, lots of sleep at the weekend; then unexpectedly got pg, put on four stone almost overnight, moved away from friends and was no longer in control.

In many ways, I hope that this next one will be easier as my life won't change as dramatically as it did with the first (please somebody say this is true Grin).

skybluepearl · 01/01/2012 12:11

Depending on the baby - that first year can be a walk in the park. I found it easy with my first (after we got over the first month strugling with BFing) and my third was a dream but I had worked with children lots and read a lot of parenting books. My second baby was much harder due to colic.

I would be more interested to hear how she finds the toddler years.

skybluepearl · 01/01/2012 12:13

I agree it's a huge life style change one way or another - lots to get used to

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 12:19

It is the loss of control, even in pregnancy that shocks some women, it depends on whether you hold any pre-conceived ideas.

I am a "go with the flo" type of person, i know of parents who seem make life more difficult for themselves.

CailinDana · 01/01/2012 13:23

I do think expectations and previous lifestyle have a big impact. I've been around babies a lot so I was aware of how time consuming they are. I faced having a baby like a new job, one that would be difficult at first but that I would find my feet in over time, and I fully expected everything to change. I didn't go out very much before I had DS and I had a job that was good but not permanent so I was ok with leaving it and I didn't miss it hugely. I was also surprised that the sleep deprivation didn't hit me very hard at all. Part of that was due to the fact that DH always took his share of nights so I got a relatively decent amount of sleep most nights, but even now when we alternate nights and I'm up between 4 and 6 am I don't feel particularly tired and I've found I actually quite like early mornings. I don't think I can ever go back to sleeping in, even when I do get a sleep in I'm up by 9.

igginezerscrooge · 01/01/2012 14:03

Perhaps there is an issue with bf as you can't really take it turn about at night with a bf baby.

igginezerscrooge · 01/01/2012 14:03

Perhaps there is an issue with bf as you can't really take it turn about at night with a bf baby.

Strawberrytallcake · 01/01/2012 14:12

I found it hard almost every day for a good few hours if not all day. When I had dd everything changed and I had to change my entire life (obviously I wanted to as she is my little beautiful angel, sorry for the bleurgh) she was, according to everyone else an easy baby, slept at 8 weeks etc. I still found it hard due to my own pressures and expectations of myself and am sure everyone must feel that to a degree?

The girl is clearly in denial or maybe just doesn't want anyone to think she's a bad mum? There is no way I would have admitted the above to my rl friends although if I had I probably wouldn't have felt as bad!!

They say the second is easier but everyone I know who is pg with their second is miserable as hell so I'm going to make sure I am totally ready for then.