to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

[Ohnoredundo]

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

"i dont think it is ever good to just become 'mum' even when they are very little its still good to have your own life and interests"

true (for me anyway). I am back in work full time which has been wonderful. I am looking forward to stopping breastfeeding so DH can do more, though I do like it enough to be lazy about it and will probably let DS self-wean.

It is quite hard not to be 'just mum' in those first three months. I did not madly feel like dancing, what with having unhealed stitches up the wazoo, enormous leaky breasts and a belly the size of a wobbly campervan. I wanted my life and my body and my sleep and my sense of separate self back. I wanted not to feel that sense of fish-hooks in the brain - the love that keeps you from doing the rational thing and walking out of the door and just not coming back to this baby who has ruined your life. I wanted me back.

I suppose it must be harder if you breastfed. I didnt do it with DD and from the offset DH was doing feeds every night and I was still going out as before after a few weeks.

Natashabee - It sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself and not enjoying it for all the worrying. I dont think you should have to worry like that just go with the flow and enjoy it

motherinferior - I went out clubbing for my bday when DD was 2 weeks. I didnt feel bad about it I had carried her around for 9 months and wanted to let my hair down. I do think if you have regular breaks then you are more likely to really enjoy baby stage.

I had 2 children in 14 months. I have no idea what I was thinking. From 1999 to 2002 I was either pregnant or breastfeeding. I have no idea what I thought I was doing but can truly say I barely remember a day in that time I was so completely and utterly exhausted.

Before I had dc, I thought I knew what tired was. I had no idea. What got me was the lack of recovery time for yourself. You get ill, you keep going, they get ill, you keep going yadda yadda.

Ah! My ds1! I remember what that was like!

Because I'd had depression in the past, I was so worried about coming down with it again after ds1- I had visions of me still in my dressing gown at noon, weeping silently into a can of diet coke.

I cut corners - so many that the whole experience was spherical. I BF for quite a while, but tailored it into my own needs too - cos if I went down, so would the family. And lots of other corners too - dragging him around the house propped up in a laundry basket, so I could 'crack on' with jobs whilst ds1 was happy. He lived in babygros rather than proper clothes, and as a very newborn, I put him down when I went to bed, to maximise sleep opportunities, then as his brain matured, we brought his bedtime forwards incrementally to 7pm...

I boiled, pureed, blended, and freezer bagged like a good 'un though, although at 11 months I sleep trained.. working on the principle that if I go under.... etc

It WAS hard - the lack of sleep sometimes in the early days - it felt like my eyebrows were melting into my chin - no family nearby, just moved house, no friends, and ex-dh on call permanently.. Ds1 actually slept for 2-3 hours at a stretch overnight though - which helped enormously, and ex-dh did a share too - I got out as much as I could..If I got out,Ifelt so much better - even with a ginormous rucksack..

I remember being so pathetically grateful that I wasn't going under, and was at times really enjoying it, that I used to yelp that "It's fine! absolutely FINE! No Worries - IT'S FINE - so much easier than I thought!"

There was an enormity about being in sole charge of a tiny baby for hours/days/weeks on end, that freaked me out slightly, but I just took a day at a time, and tried not to think about it - jesus - poor child has ME as a mother!!

I think tbh, I was faking it to make it. I was frightened to a degree that if I admitted to myself and others just how hard it was, I might go under. But also - to be fair - I enjoyed large parts of it...

Eventually, I made friends at the postnatal group - one of them is now my best mate - some 14 years later! And I could finally admit that it could be crap without feeling that I was risking falling apart in the process.. It took me feeling more secure in my parenting skills, and not feeling like I was going under to admit it though...

Blimey - he's 14 now! A spotty hormonal hairy teenager - who is very lovely kind, bright, happy and humorous..

I shan't forget those early days though!

I couldn't walk down the street after two weeks. My stitches were suppurating.

And when I mean 'rational wish to walk out' I mean walk out properly. Permanently. Down the road and onto the train and never coming back. I loved the baby, and the feeling of that love was quite appalling in that it stopped me doing the only thing that could, I felt, restore my life and sanity (and possibly my body).

I don't know. DS is one next week and is a very easy baby - we've been very lucky, especially since he decided to sleep through at 5 months. I've found it quite easy and would get pregnant again tomorrow if I weren't starting a new job next month so no mat leave.

I fully expect I'll have a harder baby at the exact time DS turns into a nightmare tantruming toddler and I'll eat my words . Think it depends on baby and help - as well as easy baby o have a DH who does 50%, a cleaner, and we live with my sister.

Also agree that sometimes saying 'no, actually, we're very happy' is very unwelcome in baby groups. I just nodded along.

I'm so glad someone posted this. I have about 5 friends who have similar aged children to my dd. My dd was born by emcs after a long traumatic labour and from that very second she never slept. She had major colic and breastfed every 2 hours for 6 months. I'm the only one who breastfed all the others said it was too hard etc. I know! But then every single one of them seemed to breeze through and i got lots of raised eyebrows. One friend came round to find me sobbing on the floor that dd just didnt stop crying. Now she has her own dd and finds it funny as she's never felt like it. One friend has twins and said she's never cried.

I'm jealous, or disbelieving. My sil clearly struggled as she just used to leave her dd with my mil and went back to her old life often ranting about the baby. But if asked would say it was all amazing etc.all my friends have kids that sleep, mine is still up in the night at 3! Their kids all slept through from 6 weeks and went straight into their own rooms. I was still feeding and dd was in my room til 9 months.

I'm due dc2 in a month and i pray i get an easier one. But i'm often left feeling a failure when so many women around me gush at how easy and wonderful they've found it. I've been a sahm with my dd and all stages are easy/hard as the next so far, i love her dearly but there isnt really a day when i dont feel the strain.

At 4 months, if she's not found anything at all tough yet, I'm sure she will during the first few years of the childs life. People usually have some part they struggle with. I personally found the 'baby' stage quite difficult, stressful and generally more unpleasant than pleasant. However, after about 12 months, I find it a doddle and since then have not had any problems or struggled whatsoever. In fact, it is very easy now for me, and has been for many months, surprisingly. He's 2.1.

Some may find the baby stages easy yet have their hands full and seriously struggle with the toddler years. Some may sail through it all and find a 4/5 yr old challenging.

I'm fairly certain that everyone encounters some sort of difficulties at one time or another.

I hate the newborn stage. I don't get the snuggling of their heads or newborn smell joy. For me (with DD anyway) the first weeks were to be endured, not enjoyed. I expect the same with this one. My aim is to get through the first 6 months, and then I can enjoy having a baby again. They can sit, sleep is a bit better and if they're teething ibuprofen is more effective than just paracetamol and you can give them some at last. The fun of weaning begins, and hopefully a bit of mobility so they can get to what they want rather than getting frustrated at not being able to get their own toys!

I am counting down to September!

I wouldn't worry too much about whether you are finding it hard/easy compared with other people. Everyone's situation is subtly different - the actual birth, health of the baby, decisions re. feeding / sleeping, temperament of the baby, support levels from partner / family / friends, mother's age & health, access to transport and general home environment, and so on.

There will always be someone with a baby who sleeps through at 2 weeks, or a partner who is able and willing to do the night shifts, or whose baby 'swims out' on its due date etc. There is no point comparing your experience to other people's and finding yourself lacking.

When I was finding it hard, my kind MIL told me that it was going to be hard work 'because I was doing it properly', which made me feel appreciated. Make that your mantra if you're finding it tough!

And things never stay the same with babies and children - another year on and they'll be at a totally different stage with all the issues that that entails.

For me, the little baby stage was relatively easy. So far, 1-2y has (is) been hardest.

The toughest thing so far has been managing a toddler and newborn. The fact that the toddler keeps going as before and the baby just has to fit in. That was difficult and at times I thought I might lose my mind, juggling bedtimes on my own being the worst.

Looking back, although the first baby was a shock to the system it was quite easy. That said, I had no issues with bf after the initial hiccups and no pnd to deal with either.

No more children for us, but I do crave the first 6 months phase. If I could turn the clock back and replay that bit I would.

Each to their own... everyone is different and it depends on so many things... your own expectations, the support you recieve, your general outlook before and after baby!

To say all find it hard and are lying if they say different is ridiculous... we are all different and approach things differently.

For me... baby 1 was very easy and a doddle.. loved it! nights were fine (night feeds didn't bother me!!)... dh very good and supportive... dd1 was a very easy baby!!!

ds1 (no. 2) was a different kettle of fish and i found the transition from 1 to 2 much more harder - guilt ridden... did any of you get that? basically how can i have another baby? how can i love another child as much as i love dd1? how can i sit here feeding and looking after ds1 when i would normally be giving my uindivivded attention to dd1? (very silly i know but got over it pretty quickly!)

and dd2 (no. 3)? well just had to get on with it and didn't think about it too much!!!

or maybe my memories have been clouded over the years!!!

like i said each to their own!!!

Happy New Year!!!

I loved it tbh, yes I was tired and anxious but my overwhelming emotion was joy and gratitude, I felt like the luckiest person alive. It helped that my ds was an easy baby who slept a lot and didn't cry much. It got harder 19 months later when I had dd, that was the first time I'd felt frustrated etc. She cried a lot more, wanted feeding constntly and my ds became more demanding for my attentio too.

So she may not be lying I would have said I loved it. In fact I remember the dr came round for a visit in the early days and she was amazed by how smiley and content I was.

I've told this story elsewhere on MN, but I did find it v comforting when I had my own. Before she had her own children, my mum had spent 10 years working as a nursery nurse in residential care with babies. So she knew babies, she really did, and she loved it, night shifts and all. I am her second child, and she tells a tale of one day when I was a baby - I was crying, she was crying, dad came in and said "why is she crying?". Mum said "I DON'T KNOW!" Dad said "I thought you were supposed to know". Quite how they're still married 40 years later I don't know. In fact, quite how Dad was still in one piece 2 minutes later amazes me.

So if anyone should have found it easy, it was my mum. But some days it did all get too much for her. And I found it immensely comforting to know that. Esp. as I've just abandoned my own two to DH and come back to bed.

Mishy I'm like you I love the baby stage but wouldn't hurry back to trailing round after a toddler who wants to do everything they can't! Luckily my dsis has just had a v cuddly baby so I steal him from time to time!

I'd say if she's finding it 'easy' she's not doing it right!! Lol

I guess if you have a great feeder, good sleeper and happy baby, things are deffo easier than say a refluxer allergic to cows milk who needs feeding with mess hourly and is mostly in so much discomfort they are always grizzling.

However, even with an 'easy' baby, I'd be surprised if she also:
Has her figure back
Is back ro regular sex with partner
House is clean and tidy
Fridge is constantly well stocked
Home cooked meals are in the table every night
She has time to do her hair, make up and shave her legs.

If she has managed all the above along with caring for her baby then I'd say she is superwoman! I dare say some of that list above has suffered and if she were to keep her house to pre-pregnancy standards things would become a lot harder/tiring!!

My DS is one and I have to say this year has been the best of my life so far. I'm not sure I'd say it was "easy" but it has been great fun and I've enjoyed it immensely. I did feel a bit out of the loop when other mothers were sitting around complaining and I was thinking "this is fab!" I felt I had to pretend at times that I was finding it hard so that I could join in. I've been lucky that DS was a very laid back baby and that DH is a very hands on father. That said we have no family nearby so I haven't actually had an entire day away from DS yet. I hope to do that in the new year because I do feel like I'd like to have one day and one night away from him.

Mrs Ozz, I could have ticked most of your list off when DS was 4 months, but that was mainly because DH isn't lazy. With two adults and only one baby in the house it's completely possible to have time to shave your legs and keep the fridge stocked!

I found it very hard at first. Very hard.

I've actually only just got into a nice little routine which suits us all nicely and DS is two next month. I've no shame in admitting that I hated the first 6 months. It was shit, coupled with PND it was tough. I cried constantly for the old life that I wanted back and also because I thought I was a rubbish Mum because I wasn't happy.

I'm due for induction next week with our DD, and praying that it's easier this time round but I doubt it will be.

Oh it didn't say it wasn't possible. I would say I also ticked all of that list after we had the reflux under control. But I wouldn't have described it as easy.

Easy is a day doing next to nothing. I never had one of those!!

DS was so easy...I thought I was doing something wrong! He thrived on a routine, so within about a week of birth, he was eating and sleeping in a fairly regular pattern. So, we both got lots of sleep and my biggest issue was boredom, tbh.
Problem is, he DID NOT prepare me for DD, who came along 15 months later with her awful reflux and her absolute need to be awake for about 20 hours a day...I swear, she didn't sleep a wink for about 4 months! (Fortunately, once she was on medicine for the reflux, she was a delightful baby, so at least she was awake and happy!).

I think it's down to the baby, tbh. I was really lucky first time around...I didn't know what I was doing, but he made it easy for me!

I can see that some people find it easier/harder than others.
But I can't see how anyone can describe a time filled with sleep deprivation as "easy". Unless they are like Margaret Thatcher who claimed to be happy on 4 hours sleep a night.