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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

296 replies

Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:10

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

OP posts:
whostolemyname · 31/12/2011 22:07

I find it much easier than going to work. Its all relative i guess.

EmmaBemma · 31/12/2011 22:07

I don't think everyone who says they found it easy is lying. But I also think most people do find it hard sometimes. I think I was in shock for the first three month's of my first daughter's life. Everything was hard. My youngest daughter was/is a constant delight but is still in my bed most nights at 18 months! It's all relative.

naturalbaby · 31/12/2011 22:08

has the 4month old hit the 4month sleep regression yet? surely all babies are a nightmare when they got through that?!

ReduceRecycleRegift · 31/12/2011 22:08

Molly for some people I think it really is that hard, and then some!

for some it IS easy, for some it IS hellish. sometimes those people will switch places a few months later, sometimes they wont. People do play it up or down a lot - you have to in some situations, but I don't think its fair to say everyone who doesn't fall in the middle is lying

Gigondas · 31/12/2011 22:08

The first 2 months were a blur- I still think how hard they were (and indeed spells on and off in first year) and dd was a relatively easy baby in terms of temperament.

Dd2 due in next few weeks- although I know what to expect I am also quite scared.
So op completely agree that they are talking bollocks as don't know anyone who didn't struggle with something with their newborn.

Pantofino · 31/12/2011 22:09

DD was a brilliant baby and very, very easy (bar a few blips). I on the other hand, found the early days very heavy going - lots of anxiety, resentment, bafflement, lack of bonding etc - it took quite a while for me to get into the "motherhood" thing. I was led to believe (I think) that you see your new baby and you are IN LOVE. This just wasn.t the case. I loved her, but never got that rush. It made me feel quite miserable.

It came though! In the end....

molly3478 · 31/12/2011 22:12

reduce - I agree everyone finds it different, and I dont think anyones lying about how they personally found it . I have 13 weeks to go and I am so excited about the baby bit, and love them when they are like that. I just want to breed and breed Grin

motherinferior · 31/12/2011 22:13

The first four months of DD1's life - before I went back to work, in fact - were the probably the worst of my life. And I've had quite nasty depression in the past.

In fact I found everything up till the point where my youngest child was four quite tough.

I am not very good at parenthood Grin. OTOH it does mean things get better and better and better. They are both now at ages which I am supposed to find difficult (DD1 is nearly 11) and I just think they're quite marvellous.

RidingInTheMidnightBlue · 31/12/2011 22:14

I found the first few weeks easier than expected, months 3-6 much harder. Dd now 10mo and I finally feel I'm hitting my stride and properly enjoying it, rather than finding it all a bit relentless. It now feels normal, rather than the rollercoaster it has been - i'd have alternate days of 'this is hideous' and 'this is soooo easy'. Probably a combination of more sleep and more confidence, and perhaps I'll be better with the toddler phase .

PoppyDoolally · 31/12/2011 22:16

It. Is. Hard.
Bloody. Hard.

I had to restrain myself recently when non parent friend said - in response to me opening up a little about how I have been exhausted and down recently due to my non eating non sleeping bf lovely 11mo DS - that SHE would probably be ABLE to cope. After all. She IS a teacher.

All I could muster was 'try doing it 24 hours a day on no sleep with one of them permanently attached to your breasts and your every thought dominated my how much you love them and worry about them and having had a grand total of five evenings out (2 hours each) since baby butchered your perineum'.

Perhaps 'fuck off' would have been more succinct.

And she had the cheek to say at least she gets to watch countdown. Cow.

starshaker · 31/12/2011 22:18

I found my first a bit difficult at times but the twins have been, dare i say it, easy so far. I was always stressed about having dinner ready washing all done and making sure dds dad wasnt feeling neglected. The twins on the other hand, it was just them and dd1 i had to worry about. We ate when the twins were alseep or just happy. It didnt matter that the house was a mess and i had nobody moaning at me about various things. The twins are great sleepers although so was dd but our house is pretty much stress free.

Moominsarescary · 31/12/2011 22:21

I find from 6 months on is tough, theyre more aware but can't bloody move so become frustrated and angry ( well ds3 9 months is)

I can cope with the lack of sleep, constant feeding of newborns, two of mine were prem as well so even more feeding, I always find the inbetween stage, baby to toddler more difficult, my 9 month old still wakes up alot in yhe night. Saying that , everyone is different. Surely noone finds it all easy?

mrsjay · 31/12/2011 22:21

I think most new parents at some point struggle the 4 month old may eat sleep and poop at the moment but give the baby a few months and they could be teething up all night etc etc , and to a non parent the little things we struggled with they wouldnt understand i dont think ,

OpinionatedMum · 31/12/2011 22:22

She is talking crap.

It's the hardest thing I have ever done.

molly3478 · 31/12/2011 22:24

I think it depends on lots of things what you did as a job, how much your dh helps, who is there for you etc.

BertieBotts · 31/12/2011 22:25

Love newborns. Hate the bit when they can either crawl or sit but not both and so are constantly frustrated trying to reach toys (or in DS's case sit up to play with them!) then it's copable with, and fun because they start learning words and walking and stuff which is adorable. But my favourite part is 18 months+ - challenging but they also have large proportions of pure innocence and wonder at the world.

Don't ask me about 3+ as haven't got there yet!

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 22:27

New mums can be very unsupportive of eachother. Perhaps it is a competitive thing. I know I wouldn't have wanted anyone to know I was struggling, would have made me feel a failure. Also if you have very little support with the baby (eg no local, helpful relatives) then don't compare yourself with how those who have are feeling.

Moominsarescary · 31/12/2011 22:29

poppy I think fuck off would have been about right!

Ds3 us the most placide happy babys usually, even though in the last few months he has decided sleep is for wimps

He is now teething and has an ear infection and I just want to scream aaaaaaaaaaargh all day long, bless him. He has also had an allergic reaction to his ab and looks like a grumpy spotty so and so ( the bottom lip comes out, just like me when I'm ill) he's also learnt pretty quickly to clamp his mouth shut whenever medicine comes near him

joanofarchitrave · 31/12/2011 22:29

I remember the early stage as being hideous in many ways but also remember saying to more than one person that nothing (apart from labour) was as bad as I'd been told it would be. So in my case, horror stories were quite helpful in that it was really OK a lot of the time - at least once we were past comprehensively failing to bf.

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 22:29

Actually it's not just hard in a practical sense, it's hard emotionally - taking on responsibility for this whole new life can play havoc with your mental state!

Foxinsocks · 31/12/2011 22:32

I think you have to see parenting as a life long thing. Though the newborn stage may seem like the be all and end all, actually different times lie ahead like teenagers and alcohol and sex and bullying and disappointments at not being picked for a team/play/assembly.

So many challenges. There is not a parent on earth who breezes through everything. We will all find something hard at some stage and hopefully all get the support we need!

motherinferior · 31/12/2011 22:32

I found the utter change from having a really quite nice life to this shattered, exhausted, painful existence in which you have become nothing but 'mum' and in which everyone patronises you and total strangers tell you to 'enjoy it while it lasts' utterly, utterly hellish.

Going back to work was terrific.

YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 22:38

I found the newborn baby thing easier than I thought but the whole life change a bit harder.
I think I have an easy baby as I really thought there would be more crying, vomiting and throwing things. However overall I find the long term sleep deprivation and the lack of personal space quite hard. Mind you, unlike most new mums I know I haven't felt an ounce of pain over not being able to go out and get pissed or dance and so on, I have not had a night or an evening away from my son since he was born and I don't mind maybe I am just boring.

it's had quite a big effect on my relationship but fingers crossed we are ok now.

Moominsarescary · 31/12/2011 22:46

I find the worring with new borns so emotionally draining too, but maybe that's just my paranoia

I also have a nearly 17 year old, won't even start on the worry that brings

molly3478 · 31/12/2011 22:48

DD1 didnt really have any effect on me going out, dancing etc tbh. Thats why I think it depends on how hands on your DH is. i dont think it is ever good to just become 'mum' even when they are very little its still good to have your own life and interests.