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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

185 replies

ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:30

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

OP posts:
Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:31

It mat be relevant to add this is the first time they have stayed the night with their DD, usually they bring the travel cot and put her down for the evening before going home later on.

OP posts:
ChristinedePizaTinsel · 30/12/2011 23:33

YANBU - I am mystified by a 'routine' for an 11mo that involves arriving somewhere 3 hours early.

It's a bit bloody rude tbh.

fluffytowels · 30/12/2011 23:34

Are they the only ones with children?

I would never arrive with a baby at 7:30, as it would take me the next 2 hours to get the buggers to sleep. YABU.

Pantofino · 30/12/2011 23:35

Like fluffytowels said. Why can they not turn up early

OhTheConfusion · 30/12/2011 23:35

YANBU

If they usually bring her travel cot then lift her later what is the difference between putting her down and leaving her to sleep?!?
When would they usually arrive?

Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:35

Yes they are the only ones with children. I see where you're coming from, fluffy but with that in mind, surely the whole concept of the evening should have been questioned when it was first proposed?

OP posts:
pictish · 30/12/2011 23:36

I agree. Yanbu.
What a pain in the arse - they are being ridiculous.

ScroobiousPip · 30/12/2011 23:37

Hmmm, depends on how much you mind having dinner - and the rest of the evening - disrupted by a screaming, overtired baby tbh.

My guess is that they want to bring her over at 3 so that she will nap on the way. That way, they've a good chance of getting her to sleep for 7, and can join in the evening meal and fun. If she naps later, chances are one of them will be still jiggling her on their knee through dinner - and she'll be grumpy and upset for the rest of the evening.

If I were you, I'd call and let them know that they can come round at 3 but that you'll be very busy so they will have to entertain themselves. If they're your oldest friends, perhaps they'll offer to help out?

starfishmummy · 30/12/2011 23:37

YANBU - I wouldn't expect guests to turn up hours before the time they were asked to come either. Just put them to work helping you finish the preparation - so if you don't get the spare bed turned around, just hand them the bedding to put on themselves.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 30/12/2011 23:37

Do they normally arrive at 3pm to put their DD down for the night if they're coming for dinner? Confused

Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:38

Well that was my thinking, Confusion, I've never really given it much thought as sometimes they'll be here from lunchtime and the day will just evolve into an evening and sometimes they rock up later on, pretty much anytime, thinking about it, they've never come round later than 7. I guess its different on this occasion as they're keen for DD to do down soundly for as long as possible so they can get on and enjoy the evening with minimum disruption.

OP posts:
Pantofino · 30/12/2011 23:38

"But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did."

But it doesn't fit so conveniently with babies.....

ScroobiousPip · 30/12/2011 23:38

And yes, they probably should have thought about it earlier but parenthood doesn't always work like that, especially with all the rush up to xmas - they've probably just had an 'oh shit' moment. Hopefully as an old friend you'll accommodate their failing on this occasion.

pictish · 30/12/2011 23:38

I've had three of the little critters and would never have expected or asked for us to be accomodated like that.
3pm, and they're 15 minutes away?
Daft.

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2011 23:39

They just want to find the best way to ensure having a night off with their friends, it might seem a faff and for no reason, but if it's the first time they've been out they might wonder how it will play out with what their DD would expect at home.

If they're good friends why wouldn't you try to help them feel more comfortable about it? (unless you're up to stuff you don't want other people to see before 7.30? Wink)

Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:39

i.e. usually no one is bothered if they have to go to her during the evening so her routine isn't as important

OP posts:
SJisontheway · 30/12/2011 23:39

I guess they want to come and give her tea and then bath her etc. etc. YANBU. I was never one for rigid routines. But it would be unreasonable to expect them to turn up at the same time as everyone else.

Cabrinha · 30/12/2011 23:39

On balance, I think YABU. If it were just a dinner invitation, it'd be odd to want to come at 3pm, but as it's a 'mini holiday' they probably just want more time with you AND loads of time to settle baby. These are your best friends -best friends don't mind being ignored whilst you get ready - and best friends can change the bed themselves, whilst entertaining a baby. You sound a but stressed over the arrangenents - remember you're doing it all to have fun!

fluffytowels · 30/12/2011 23:40

depends whether they thought you were going to be previous about it.

My children are tricky sleepers. Not that they had a strict routine but tricky to sleep. I'm sure my childless friends thought I was ridiculous but actually, children aren't handbags that you can just stick I'm a corner when you arrive.

If they arrived at 7:30, would you expect child to be asleep and stay that way?

EauDeLaPoisson · 30/12/2011 23:42

But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did."

But it doesn't fit so conveniently with babies.....

Why dont they get a sitter then if its such an ordeal?

OhTheConfusion · 30/12/2011 23:42

We have friends coming tomorrow evening, 4 families (including us) all staying here Confused including 7 children between 4mths and 10yrs.

All friends are arriving at 7pm... except the ones who arrived today (but they live 300miles away!)

tigerlillyd02 · 30/12/2011 23:43

YANBU This is the very reason I'm glad DS has no routine. Times like this have never been a problem. Even if he did have a routine though, surely it makes more sense for them to bath her and get her ready for bed before arriving at yours and then simply put her down upon arrival with minimum fuss?

BadRoly · 30/12/2011 23:43

Also, if they havebeen doing a lot of visiting people over the last week or so, if might only just be apparent that it is unsettling the baby to turn up and put it straight to bed? Which would explain why it is a last minute thing. I know mine get worse and worse as we get further into the Christmas visiting season Sad

Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:44

I'm really glad I posted, this has thrown up some interesting opinions, I'm going to just absorb a bit more....

OP posts:
pictish · 30/12/2011 23:44

You'd think Tiger wouldn't you?
It's certainly what I would've done.