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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

185 replies

ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:30

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

OP posts:

pictish · 30/12/2011 23:45

And have done.

startail · 30/12/2011 23:45

11 month old and first time away is probably acceptable.
Otherwise "routines" drive me mad. DCs have to live in the real world. If that means sometimes getting up early, missing a nap or going to bed late so be it.
And if they are tired the next day, it is not an excuse to behave badly. It's a reason to sit quietly or have a nap.
A general structure to ordinary days is necessary, total rigid routines that prevent the spontaneous having of fun for either parents or older siblings can verge on the down right rude.
Also having DC that are capable of flexibility is incredibly useful for going away. My two have done some horrible flights to get maximum time on holiday.

ScroobiousPip · 30/12/2011 23:46

Why dont they get a sitter then if its such an ordeal?

but then they'd have to pay a fortune, not drink and go home early. the idea
(as i read it) was meant to be a relaxed weekend for old friends. I think, judging by how the OP describes previous weekends, she is the one suddenly acting out of character, possibly due to stress. OP, chill out, enjoy the time with your friends and don't worry if everything isn't 'perfect'. People and friendships are more important than a murder mystery dinner.

EauDeLaPoisson · 30/12/2011 23:47

Thems the breaks when you go out for new years when you have kids though!

ravenAK · 30/12/2011 23:48

I think I'd just say 'fine but we'll be busy cleaning/cooking/getting into our deer stalkers - you'll have to make up your own room & amuse yourselves'.

We do friends + dc overnight every NYE. Two years ago, friends who live 5 minute's walk away & had been clearly told we were aiming for a 9pm curfew for kids had their 7 year old running around whingeing at 1am.

This after other friends who'd driven 200 miles had spent 2 hours taking it in turns to sit with/settle their twins before they got to sit down & relax! Grrr.

If them coming early means you avoid a grizzling baby underfoot all evening, I'd be positively encouraging it! Agree they should've raised it earlier.

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2011 23:52

The routine they're talking about doesn't have to be a strict unflexible one, it could just mean the times of the day when things generally happen in their house.

If I was stopping over at someones house and wanted DD to sleep, I'd try and work it round her normal day as much as possible. It's not a parenting weakness to do the same things at the same times every day, I thought most people are forced to do the same with work and school?

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2011 23:53

That was to tiger and pictish.

jasper · 30/12/2011 23:55

What a pain . That would bug me too

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2011 23:55

I don't understand why they would need to come at 3 or at 5?? They are only 15 minutes away from you - dinner, bath, onesie - quick trip to yours, bottle, bed, done.... I can see then wanting to come about 6.45/7 to settle the baby before the others arrive & the evening starts, but anything before that's just a bit odd.

However, if they are your oldest, best friends, then... hey, they'll take you as they find you and they can change their own bed

I hope you have a great night!!

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:55

I completely agree that the friendship is more important, and I'm really honestly not getting my knickers in a twist over this. It was this and the other couple who have been driving the build-it-up-into-a-fancy-party concept, and I have just happily accommodated it. It was always my intention that it was going to be a relaxed weekend for old friends, and I was happy to host a bit of a party evening once it was suggested.

DP and the other couple have been more of a mind that I just should have said no, sorry, please can you just come at 7.30.

They are the antithesis of PFB parents. I just think on this occasion think they are being extra-mindful of her routine to ensure she has the best possible night and the best chance for everyone to enjoy themselves. They are usually very casual and flexible with their DD and her routine which is why I guess this has blindsided me a bit.

Cabrinha has a point that I think the dual concepts and expectations of casual weekend at ours vs. go-to-town on a party night have become blurred and lost in communication over Christmas. No-ones fault.

OP posts:

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 30/12/2011 23:56

As the mother of a tricky sleeper I can see why they wouldn't want to get there as the evenings activities were about to start as it could be nigh on impossible to get their dd to settle. We've certainly arrived at friends houses early before if we've been staying over for just this reason. 3pm seems a little early though. Can you not compromise? If they are your best friends them having them around can't be that bad, can it? Believe me they'd have no fun if they spent three hours trying to settle their dd instead of being able to join in the fun .

littlemissmagic · 30/12/2011 23:59

Sorry but this is not usual behaviour for an 11 month old baby in a routine. DD1 had a routine but would never needed to arrive 4 hours early! Has your friend been struggling with her little one? May be more here than she feels she can trouble you with

littlemissmagic · 30/12/2011 23:59

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/12/2011 23:59

Perhaps they want to give her her tea at your house and bath her at yours etc so that she feels more settled and ready to sleep rather than just being plonked in a travel cot as soon as she's arrived in a strange house?

I can see your point though, it would probably annoy me a lot too if I had a lot to plan and do before the evening.

DiscoDaisy · 31/12/2011 00:00

All of my children have been difficult settlers but once they were asleep they were asleep iyswim.
There would be no way we would have been able to arrive somewhere and have them settled within minutes although 4 1/2 hours before does seem a bit excessive.

beanandspud · 31/12/2011 00:00

I'm afraid that I could have been your friend when DS was that age. I would have wanted him to nap at the usual time and arrive early to eat, bath him and get him settled in the hope of him sleeping as normal. Any later and the chances are that he would sleep in the car at the wrong time and be a nightmare to get to bed at the usual time.

I'm not saying that it was right but it was how I felt at the time and, mostly, my slightly pfb tendencies worked for us.

As others have said, I wouldn't have been at all offended to be told that you will be shopping/cleaning/shaving your legs at that time and would I mind amusing myself.

In your situation I would be generous and welcome them with open arms - whatever the time. In a couple of years they may well look back and laugh!?

YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 00:03

I don't think this is PFB although I can't understand why their routine would start at 3. I think clearly you and your friends don't understand anything about what it's like to have small children and when you do have them (if you are fortunate enought to do so) then you might understand more.

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:03

That's what I thought, Chipping

RAven Useful post, thanks. That reminds me - where did I put the deerstalkers

I guess I was just a bit wrongfooted when i discovered at 5pm this evening that the vision in my head my of tomorrow - packing of friends from abroad with a hearty breakfast, followed by a quick guest-room turn around x2, followed by helping DP with the dinner, followed by pimping up the house, followed by getting into fancy dress followed by welcoming my friends at 7.30pm..... is now going to be a bit rushed.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 31/12/2011 00:03

they live 15 minutes away and their child is 11 months? that's slightly bonkers

EauDeLaPoisson · 31/12/2011 00:05

On the other hand why cant the friends with a child acknowledge the world doesnt begin and end with their PFB and that sometimes they may have to be more flexible to suit others?

Owlelf · 31/12/2011 00:05

I agree with others who have suggested that the early arrival probably coincides with giving the baby a nap at the optimum time to give the best chance that she will go down easily at night time.

I can see why this is annoying to you as hosts, but I can also sympathise with your friends who are probably focused on getting DD to bed with the minimum of screaming so that you can all enjoy yourselves.

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:05

Fanjo I think that's a bit harsh. How does anything I've said suggest that "don't understand anything about what it's like to have small children"

OP posts:

pictish · 31/12/2011 00:07

The way I dealt with it was to arrive at whatever time the host decreed, and then spend an hour with baby getting used to the surroundings, before settling to sleep.
The handful of times I did that it went fine....I can think of one occasion where I struggled with ds1 getting him to settle, but generally there wasn't a problem.

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:07

And I have compromised. I said it was fine to come 2.5 hours earlier. I wasn't at all snippy on the phone, in fact that's why DP was a bit miffed because he said I sounded like a pushover

OP posts:

fluffytowels · 31/12/2011 00:11

poisson. That is true but the PFB in question might not be do accommodating.

If you ate so casual, would you rather thru arrive early, have them miss a lot of the evening trying to settle their DC, or make DC the Chief Investigating Officer

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