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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

185 replies

ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:30

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 31/12/2011 10:24

The visitors didn't say the bedtime routine started at 3!

These families are best friends, surely if they think they need to come over for the afternoon on NYE you would just say yes, then ask them to get invoved with preparations?

You lot are a load of party poopersXmas Grin

Indith · 31/12/2011 10:26

I am very Envy at all these people who could just turn up and put their child to bed somewhere esle. Ds was a fantastic sleeper but even he would have needed a bit of time to settle in and poke his nose into corners. Dd would have screamed the house down at that age. At least these days she will just not go to sleep and snuggle up to watch a dvd or something while the grown ups get on with it but I could never plan to do something adult like that and put her to bed unless it was at my house and I got her to bed wel before anyone exciting arrived!

4madboys · 31/12/2011 10:28

i think their request to arrive at 3pm is a bit mad tbh! i may have said can i come at 6:45ish so i can get them settled and asleep before everyone else arrives at 7:30? but 3pm?!! 5 kids here, youngest is 12mths and i cannot possibly imagine why they need to be there at 3pm or even 5pm so that they need to get her settled? and if for some reason we couldnt get out child(ren) settled then dp and i would just take it in turns to deal with them and keep them calm/quiet until we did get them settled whilst the other carried on with the evening!

imaginethat · 31/12/2011 10:28

I think a 3pm arrival is ridiculous. I am guessing that it's because you are such good friends that they felt it would be okay.

I think 5pm is reasonable if they understand that you will be busy and they will look after themselves/help out. Otherwise they may find it v hard to settle her.

Some babies settle anywhere but many don't. It would be really nice of you to try to accommodate the baby-settling factor, but understandable that you feel put out. It's a whole 'nother world with a baby in tow.

Different deal I know but I have hired nannies to look after friends' babies at special events because I reallllllly really wanted my friends to be able to enjoy themselves. Someone did this for me when my baby was little and I've never forgotten how grateful and touched I felt.

happynew2012 · 31/12/2011 10:32

This thread is a real eye opener to me

At 10 months I was back at work part time

So when I collected my baby at 5.30pm it was tough shit if he fell asleep in the car for 20 minutes on the way home

Maybe your children are like this because you stick so rigidly to routines

If you HAD to deviate you would & you'd learn to deal with it

ItsSnowDarling · 31/12/2011 10:34

SPB - At least I don't have to worry about tonight as I'm having everyone here, although with a 8 children I can't imagine him going to bed on time.

The one bonus is that he can keep going without getting grumpy, unlike my older two who would have ruined the evening for everyone if they hadn't gone to bed at their normal time!

PosieParker · 31/12/2011 10:36

Christ. Surely an 11 month old needs a routine, pretty weird that without children you think it's unnecessary and unreasonable. This is only possible from people without dcs, or those people that don't believe children benefit from a routine, which will come back to bite them hard in the arse.

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2011 10:36

The flip side of that argument is this
I was working full time when dd was 11mo. Their naursery was 40min from our home. I had to deal with the crqp nights that arose from their late sleeps. If I didn't have to, e.g weekend, I'd go out of my way to make it not happen

PosieParker · 31/12/2011 10:37

And it depends on the child about settling not the parent, dcs 1 & 2 could fall asleep in the car on route and be transferred, dcs 3 &4 no way!!

happynew2012 · 31/12/2011 10:37

Yes they may need routine

But not every night

How do you think people with families abroad who have to travel cope? They change the routine for a few nights
No one dies

ItsSnowDarling · 31/12/2011 10:38

HappyNewYear2012 - believe me I am not a strict routine person. With DS3 I didn't take mat leave and continued to work 17 hours a week from home before going back to work full time at 7 months. Luckily with the combination of mine and DHs unusual working hours, DS3 only goes to nursery in a morning.

It is just the way he is - DS1 and 2 were much easier.

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2011 10:38

No one dies but they maybe have Crap evenings and eg can't join in sin a planned party

happynew2012 · 31/12/2011 10:42

They should stay at home then

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2011 10:43

Really? Wow

ItsSnowDarling · 31/12/2011 10:44

Wow - you are really full on Christmas cheer aren't you?

ItsSnowDarling · 31/12/2011 10:47

*of

happynew2012 · 31/12/2011 10:49

Well if it was me I would have turned up with the baby already fed dressed for bed etc at the time I was invited!

bigkidsdidit · 31/12/2011 10:52

I fully understand the baby needs a nap at 3. I don't understand why that needs to eb in the same place as the bedtime sleep. I think this routine has gone out of control - if it restricts your life to this extent surely it is not worth having

LydiaWickham · 31/12/2011 10:53

Thing is, we tried something very similar to what you thought would happen recently, dinner at a friends house. She had a cot bed all set up ,we gave DS he bath and got him in his sleepsuit here, put him in the car, drove round for 30mins (their house is only 5 mins away but wanted him to be fully asleep), plan was to transfer him asleep into the cot and then have dinner.

We opened the car door, cold night air hit him, he was awake straight away. And then was awake until nearly 10pm. If you want a screaming child in the house until late, and then through the night, then make them arrive later.

DS can be flexible in the day but his bedtime routine can't be sacrificed if I want him to sleep. He also won't sleep at 7 if he's slept later than 2:30pm in the day. It's just the way he is, saying "DCs should be flexible" is all good and well, if you're prepared to put up with the consequences, if that chld will be in your house waking both the parents and you if she's unsettled all night, she'll be up early if not properly settled in your house. If they are going to be there tomorrow, she'll be a nightmare while you've all got hangovers.

Also, I resent the suggestion on this thread that DCs who are poor sleepers are that way because of poor parenting, if you've got a super flexible DC who is just as happy to go to bed at 9pm as they are 7pm and will be asleep within 10 minutes either way in any strange bed, and then be a complete delight the following day, then you are lucky, not better at "training" them.

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2011 10:56

I suppose its so the baby doesn't sleep again on the journey.

LydiaWickham · 31/12/2011 11:01

bigkidsdidit - perhaps it more that the baby will sleep in the car whenever they drive over, so that's an extra sleep that will throw out the chances of her being sleepy at 7 to be alseep for 7:30 so they can all have a relaxing evening without a screaming child?

Owlelf · 31/12/2011 11:02

This is in danger of becoming a thread about the merits or routines, sleep training etc.! At the risk of stating the obvious all babies are different, what works for some will not work for others. Parents are different too and have different comfort levels when it comes to sleep training.

I am sure your friends' sole intention is to get DD off to sleep with the minimum of fuss. I think that everyone agrees that this is important.

We will never agree in what constitutes reasonable routine / being too soft / bring too harsh because that type of argument goes on forever.

SootySweepandSue · 31/12/2011 11:02

I just feel for the friends as they will be cacking it that the baby doesn't settle and ruin the evening. Why not just let them do whatever they think they need to do try and get a sleeping baby. Only they know what that is.

Owlelf · 31/12/2011 11:04

Sorry- of not or, on not in Blush.

ditziness · 31/12/2011 11:11

Maybe they are as excited as you and want to make sure they have the chance to dress up and prepare and have the best chance of an uninterrupted evening. For you this means time spent tidying, shopping, dressing. You've made your plan that you need, not unreasonably. For them that might mean getting up early at 6am so that their 11 month old have her morning nap, lunch and afternoon nap a bit earlier at say 130pm, wake her at 215 pm, get to yours at 3 so that she can have an earlier tea at 4pm, they can try and get her into bed about 630pm , and have her properly settled and have time to get ready themselves. that might be what they need. Not unreasonable either, apart from your needs conflict as you are at differing stages of life. Luckily I see that neuther of you are unreadonable and have already compromised. Have a great night!