To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

[ViviPrudolf]

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

Oh and thinking about it, needing a whole day from breakfast to 730 to get ready for hosting a fancy dress dinner party does seem a bit excessive to a parent of a toddler, who has just been through the baby years. These days if dj and I are hosting a party then the shopping and cooking preparations get done in the afternoon nap, and then the baby goes to bed at 7 and we run around having showers, hoovering, putting on lippy and lighting candles for half an hour. A whole day! Pah, that's a bit precious ;-)

7.30 in the evening both my DC are fast asleep by then!! My youngest is 18 mo nearly and there's no WAY I'd be going out to a friends to stay with them when they are so young. sounds like too much hassle IMO...how is anyone going to enjoy themselves when the children are not in their own homes with their usual comforts? I'd imagine they'll be unsettled for a while and no adults will be enjoying their drinks and nibbles..

You're obviously not as good a friend as the OP LeQueen. Some people like their friends and want to spend time with them, regardless of whether they ruin the atmosphere.

Of course there are extremes of both attitudes. Some people are very intolerant of people with kids. Some people are very intolerant of people without. Doesn't really seem the case here though. Both couPles seem tolerant and accommodating.

YABU, precious, and making a massive mountain out of a molehill

with no children, it can't possibly take you so long to get ready, they are old friends, you can let them amuse themselves or help, they are not asking for a massive favour

all babies are different and they know their dd best, it is utterly irrelevant that many MNers have had fantastically flexible babies

First time parents can be selfish and prone to thinking their needs are more important because they have the responsibility of having a child. They will look back on their demands in years to come and cringe!
When my older brother first became a parent (much later than I did) he expected my Mother to change her Christmas routine to fit around his DD's naps ! She did ! But it led to an athmosphere.
Another time , at my younger brother's surprise 30th. he asked us not to shout out 'Happy Birthday' as it might frighten his baby!
He laughs at himself now !

Hmmm its a tricky one. Agree that kids benefit from some sort of routine most of the time but that you cannot expect them to fit into a routine all of the time, after all the world does not revolve around them. If you have a child that you know will be an absolute nightmare to settle, then maybe it is not appropriate to bring them. Arriving at 3pm is a bit ridiculous! However, can also see the other side that I guess the parents might have the other guests interests at heart and dont want a baby disturbing their murder mystery NYE!

This thread does remind me of my SIL and BIL at our wedding wih their 18 month old twins and a 3 year old. We got married abroad with only 12 guests and had quite a late wedding so photos were at about 7pm. Now obviusly the world will implode if those kids are not in bed at 7pm on the dot, so (despite having a nanny out with them), both BIL and SIL completely missed our photos because they were both putting the kids to bed!

I'm reading with interest, as I cancelled going to see a friend for NYE, I have an 11mo and we were travelling for 90 mins to see them, and she said that her two loud children would have the run of the house the entire night. When I asked if maybe they could stay downstairs for an hour between 6.30 and 7.30, to ensure DS was properly asleep before they were noisy in their rooms, she said that she wasn't happy keeping them out of their bedrooms, even for just an hour. An evening carrying an awake baby didn't appeal to me, so I've cried off sick. I know she's pissed off with me now.

First time parents can be selfish and prone to thinking their needs are more important because they have the responsibility of having a child. They will look back on their demands in years to come and cringe!

They will indeed!

They only do it with the first. Once they have another the baby has to fit in. Imagine phoning the school and saying 'Anna will be late, the baby hasn't woken up' or making your DC miss football practice because the journey will send the baby off to sleep at the 'wrong' time.
Routines are fine-as long as they are not set in stone and you can break them.

livingwiththefamished thats a shame you will have to miss out as your friend cant keep her children reasonably quiet for a bit whilst the baby goes to sleep! my own boys will stay up on newyears for a bit, but they will also sit and play quietly/read whilst their baby sister goes to bed to sleep! i dont think thats an unreasonable request!

and yes exotic the school would love it i am sure if each time my dd has a long nap i phone and say i will be late collecting the boys as i cant wake her!! tbh i wasnt precious about routine with ds1, but he was an utterly crap sleeper no matter what we did, so we just got on with life and muddled along with his crap sleeping, which he eventually grew out of. we have always had a bedtime routine with them all but its flexible, so now its the holidays the kids are staying up later and sleeping in int he mornings! of course now i have to jiggle it to get them all ready for the school run on wed, but it will be fine tho the first morning having to be up and out by 8:10am may be a bit of a killer!

4mad and second, thank you! I didn't think I was asking too much! DS1 (8yo) often has playdates that are still here after 6.30, but they are capable of playing quietly after this time.

"other owners of babies" that's funny

same here living! the boys often stay up later or have friends round or we have guests etc and we just ask for half an hour or so to settle the little one to sleep, i dont think that is unreasonable at all and means we all get some peace once she is asleep!

lunatic i hear you ds4 had his own routine but we did still jiggle it around when we needed and put up with the consequences i wouldnt expect to be able to turn up to someones house 4 hrs before i was invited to fit into his routine! which is what these guests were wanting to do!

YADNBU. A friend of mine left her guest at her ds's 1st birthday party because she wanted to put her ds to bed by 7pm , so not to ruin his routine. The irony was that many of the guest at the party also had children and were left twiddling their thumbs.

LeQueen we tried sleep training but given DS's reflux, were never sure if he was crying with pain (did happen sometimes) until he was older. 11 months, no way. Now at aged 2, he's very good at bedtime. Just took longer to get there. I'd never have said we could rock up at someone's house at 7 when he was 11 months and popped him into a new bed!

Er, I'd have been this couple - and I am.

At 7 in the evening, my DD (23 months) would be asleep in the car before we'd left our drive.

If - IF - we'd managed to park at yours, get into the house through rain/strong wind/freezing cold/six shifts of limbs when she'd only been asleep 15 minutes, meet and greet in full lighting, get upstairs, unpack and assemble travel cot and get her down in it, then great - she'd be down for the evening an we#d all hve fun.

I'd pull that off about 1 time in 10.

The overwhelmingly more likely scenario is a fifteen minute sleep and something then waking her up.

Here's the issue: My DD thinks any sleep, even if she closes her eyes just for a minute is a 'reset'. That's it, she's slept and she'll be awake, no matter what for at least 4 hours.

If woken at 7.15ish on arrival at yours, I'd be lucky to have her settle again by midnight. Hence I'd be looking to make her last sleep of the day, during travel, fit the routine I wanted for the evening.

So: she will sleep in the car, always does, and she will be awake for at least four hours after that, if woken.

You want her asleep by 7.30, so her parents are free. What time would I have been arriving?

Sorry, OP, but I think your friends have just discovered they've got one like my DD

I see why people say routines shouldn't be set in stone, but if you KNOW that you'll be up till midnight settling if you arrive after 5pm then why bother going? So, either miss out, or better still, see if people will accommodate you. Then you can all enjoy yourself! Last year I had to trade my DS not being in some wedding photos as he was asleep, so he would be up and awake enough for the reception and evening do. Even i think it sounds crazy. But, had we got him up, one of us would have been wrestling with him at the meal and dealing with a screaming child all evening instead of us all enjoying it until I took him to bed at 10pm. Parents know what price they pay for messing with sleep if their child is that way inclined. So we just try and manage it as best we can I'm afraid!

They only do it with the first. Once they have another the baby has to fit in. Imagine phoning the school and saying 'Anna will be late, the baby hasn't woken up' or making your DC miss football practice because the journey will send the baby off to sleep at the 'wrong' time.
Routines are fine-as long as they are not set in stone and you can break them.

Abso-fucking-lutely!

I was never an inflexible pfb, even with ds1...it never occurred to me have my days dictated by a baby. Have baby, will travel...that was me. My babies just had to get used to different places and routines as the wont took us. I think the fact that we were so blase about it, helped our babies to cope with it too.

At 10 months I was back at work part time, so when I collected my baby at 5.30pm it was tough shit if he fell asleep in the car for 20 minutes on the way home.Maybe your children are like this because you stick so rigidly to routines

I think there's a big element of truth in that, frankly. All of my babies were different....none of them were especially mild mannered....but our lives were diverse and they all just had to learn to deal with it. Which they all did.

To each their own is my mantra for sure, but there was no way my life was going to be run according to a baby's timetable. And it never was.

They only do it with the first. Once they have another the baby has to fit in. Imagine phoning the school and saying 'Anna will be late, the baby hasn't woken up' or making your DC miss football practice because the journey will send the baby off to sleep at the 'wrong'

Sums it up perfectly. PFB itis. Tell them fuck off no.

"YABU, precious, and making a massive mountain out of a molehill"

Really?

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt HollyGhost and assume you haven't read all of my posts.

The salmon's chilling in its croute, the pureed peaches are awaiting their Prosecco and the dress from my graduation ball is staring at me menacingly from its hanger on the mirror, daring me to see if it fits. DP's dropping the hound off at DM's. No one is here yet. Quiet, prepared bliss.

Sincere thank you very much to everyone else who has contributed to this interesting debate. Oh and may I exercise my right to pull a little [fYAY] at my YANBU from LeQ.

Tell them they are going to have to help set everything up.... Baby may miraculously learn to sleep better :o

Oh no, yadnbu

But then I think rigid routines are rods for parents backs. However I can appreciate a good bedtime routine but surely this doesn't start at 3pm.. What the dickens could that include???

Fair enough to arrive early to LO settled, set up cot etc but rude to expect 4.5hrs earlier.

I wouldn't want folk under my feet whilst tearing around n organising house etc for such a party.

Vivi well done for hosting and enjoy yourselves.