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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

185 replies

ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:30

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

OP posts:
ravenAK · 31/12/2011 00:46

...& you can't predict what the buggers will do anyway!

On our NYE with the 7 year old from hell, other friends were bringing their 6 month old dd who hadn't slept away from home before, so they had a contingency plan involving the dh not having a drink until the baby was fast asleep...so if she proved to be a nightmare to settle, he could just take her home (half hour drive) & return for his dw next day.

This was one reason that I was bloody annoyed that friends from down the road didn't even TRY to put their child to bed, unless you count 'Would you like to go to bed now? Oh you wouldn't...oh dear. More coke & crisps, then?'

It's quite possible your friends are actually trying to be really considerate because they can see the lovely meal, murder mystery etc spoilt as one or other of them has to constantly bob up to see to her, & were so fixated on how crap that'd be for everyone they just didn't think that 4 hours early could also be a PITA when you're getting ready...?

Hope you have a fab evening anyway - it sounds great. We're just having a Monopoly game & 'The Crow' on dvd here... oh & lots of Jagermeister!

Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:49

I have put this down to a one-off!

I just said it had blindsided me a bit and it was no-ones fault.

I am accommodating them - I'm welcoming them at a time acceptable for them, even thought it is not ideal for us given the style of evening that they have been keen to create.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 31/12/2011 00:52

I'm back at the (part-time) coalface so far as 11 month old babies are concerned and actually, if dgd arrived 4 hours earlier than planned, it wouldn't help bedtime routines at all. If anything, she'd be up all the longer because of the sheer novelty of having a different audience! So YANBU to be surprised at the suggestion of a 3 o'clock kickoff.

This sounds like one of those situations that need never have been an issue if much earlier notice had been given. At 11 months, routines (such as exist) are pretty well established so dropping this news on you this late on is a bit of a stunner.

Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:52

That's a good point you make, raven. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the couple stays sober with half a mind to driving home.

I wouldn't get the arse if they did, but it would be a bit Hmm to myself after they were the ones equally pushing it to be this big deal of an evening. And it would be a massive shame now the garage is GROANING with booze!

OP posts:
Original poster
ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:54

Yes the crux of this is the notice, Pand. Particularly as it came minutes after the other friends from abroad had just announced "oh if its ok we will stay over tonight after all" Which is of course not DD's parents' problem, but just makes things a little tricker for DP and I.

OP posts:
Isthatajoke · 31/12/2011 01:07

FWIW I think your friends are really keen to have a childless evening and so want a smooth bedtime. When ours were mini we used to arrive at 5 if we were going to people's houses for dinner, give them dinner and a bath there and then put them to bed. If we arrived at 7 then they generally were super excited about being in a new house and the party atmosphere that they were a pain to get down which either resulted in one of us missing the early part of the night or in one of our DCs joining the party for a bit. Neither ideal. It's not necessarily about them having a rigid routine, it may just be that they have been out and about over Christmas and have seen how much more fun THEY have when they get somewhere early and have their DC packed off to bed on time. I don't think they will be expecting you to look after them.

southeastastra · 31/12/2011 01:11

i do find all this over fussing very amusing to be honest.

Isthatajoke · 31/12/2011 01:14

Everyone fusses about different things

slavetofilofax · 31/12/2011 01:26

It sounds like you are a victim of your own success.

Your house sounds like fun. It's probably a place where they feel always comfortable and welcome, so didn't think it would be a big deal asking.

It's quite nice that they feel that way about your home really.

TroublesomeEx · 31/12/2011 07:27

Isthatajoke has posted pretty much what I was going to say.

I think you need to accept that if you want them there, then this might be the only way of achieving it. Someone earlier suggested getting a babysitter. I've never had a babysitter on NYE. Everyone is out!

exoticfruits · 31/12/2011 07:44

I'm a bit surprised that by 11 months they haven't twigged that arriving early to stick to a routine isn't going to work! The house is different, everything is a novelty and the DC will notice and act differently. I would imagine that it will make very little difference to whether she sleeps or not.
It is very ambitious to have your sort of evening with such young DCs-good luck and Happy New Year!

exoticfruits · 31/12/2011 07:45

You will be very lucky to get a babysitter on NYE and will have to pay the earth if you do!!!

happynew2012 · 31/12/2011 07:53

God Raven you don't sound much fun

You invite a seven year old round on new years eve & expect him to go to bed at 9pm?
My 7 year old goes to bed at 9pm on a school night
If you didn't want kids there why invite them?
And the poor friends who spent two hours getting their twins to bed? Wow what a fun night for them!!

Op I agree with you
And I'm baffled by people saying 'oh but a 15 minute car journey might ruin a good nights sleep'

SmethwickBelle · 31/12/2011 08:00

It sounds irritating but I think you should just roll with it, you say they're your oldest best friends and you say you don't stand on ceremony.

Babies change - so whatever this child was doing on sleepovers at yours previously might not now apply, unless they're massively insensitive they're possibly aiming to use the run up to get her in bed and sleeping at 730 on the dot so the party can start promptly.

Hope you have a nice evening - it does sound like you have a great evening planned.

Catslikehats · 31/12/2011 08:12

Usually I'd be the first to say YANBU - routines bring me out in rashes. but this isn't so much about accommodating a routine as a bed time which at 11 months is slightly different to the "oh Persephone absolutely must have 43 mins nap in a darkened room before a 7 min pram ride round the park".

It is in all your interests that the baby is well settled and asleep by 7:30 otherwise no one is going to have much fun (those murder mystery games are a bugger if one of the main witnesses is in another room with a screaming baby)

3pm does seem a little early and it is a pita that they didn't mention this when the night was organized but if they are usually a bit more relaxed perhaps it genuinely didn't occur to them until now. I have to confess that it is only now that I have started figuring out at what time dc4 (9 mths) will have to be fed her evening meal to ensure she is sound asleep with the nanny when I leave at 7 tonight (the answer, once you have factored in bath, BF etc is bloody early!)

Sorry not much help really but I think this is one of those things That you just need to suck up.

youarekidding · 31/12/2011 08:14

I actually think on balance YANBU. I still put my 7yo down early sometimes (7pm) and go to a friends 10 minutes away for the evening by picking him up, putting him in the car and putting him down there.

He re settles quickly and it's because I've been doing it since he was a baby.

Having said that not all children are good/ easy sleepers and agree with the poster who said maybe the festive period has highlighted that this doesn't work for their DC very well.

Robinredboobs · 31/12/2011 08:14

I really can't believe so many people are saying YANBU! These are your "closest friends" and you can't tell them straight that this plan doesn't work for you? FGS tell them, they are not mind readers..You sound like a complete control freak to be honest - what difference does it make that they are 2 hours early? You won't have time to hide the candlestick?

runningwilde · 31/12/2011 08:20

I think it is a bit too much to be het up about this and tbh your DP's reaction is VU, over the top and odd. Just let them amuse themselves and do what they need to do. I'm glad you didn't say no as that would have been unreasonable. 5pm seems like a good compromise for all.

nomoreheels · 31/12/2011 08:20

DD is 7 months & we've had to decline a lovely similar NYE invite because she's teething like a demon, she still wakes for a bottle & always gets up at 5 am. Plus her track record of napping away from home is lousy, so we guessed we'd be up & down all night trying to settle her.

The best chance of settling her with her bedtime routine would be to arrive there at 5, feed her dinner, then bath/bed by around six & hope she goes down. So arriving at 5 doesn't sound early to me - I get it. 3 is a bit daft though! I felt like 5 (+ asking to use bath etc) was a big ask however, & a gamble too, so we just declined. YANBU to feel a bit stressed by this messing up your getting ready time - that's precisely why I didn't ask.

Emsmaman · 31/12/2011 08:21

Just want to say my DD is one of those for whom a 15 minute car ride would ruin a (sort of) reliable bedtime. She would fall asleep within 5 minutes in the car, power nap and then be awake for several more hours. Maybe your friends DC is like this. Drives my in laws nuts when we visit that I'm so precious about the times of day we can go out in the car but it's me not them that ends up in the bedroom till 11pm with a screaming baby and they are downstairs whinging about not being able to eat dinner till I join them.

DressDownFriday · 31/12/2011 08:28

YANBU - friend or no friend, she would not be arriving at my house that early for the sake of an 11 month old child. I can appreciate it's good to have a routine but surely she can be a little flexible just once?

She should surely realise that you probably have enough to do without her turning up hours earlier.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 31/12/2011 08:35

DS1 - 15 minute sleep in the car was a brilliant way to settle him for the night.

DS2 - 15 minute sleep in the car = power nap before 4 hours of rampaging around the place.

15 minute nap can absolutely ruin a good night's sleep!

ItsSnowDarling · 31/12/2011 08:36

I agree with owlelf although I would never have been cheeky enough to ask. A 15 minute nap in the late afternoon / evening would have kept DS3 going for hours at that age (no amount of singing 'wheels on the bus' at high volume would keep him awake) and there would have been little chance of us joining in with the adults.

Although there is no guarantee with children and all the others changes are just as likely to keep them awake!

ItsSnowDarling · 31/12/2011 08:36

I agree with owlelf although I would never have been cheeky enough to ask. A 15 minute nap in the late afternoon / evening would have kept DS3 going for hours at that age (no amount of singing 'wheels on the bus' at high volume would keep him awake) and there would have been little chance of us joining in with the adults.

Although there is no guarantee with children and all the others changes are just as likely to keep them awake!

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2011 08:36

southeastastra, if you don't fuss over your tiny children that's up to you. Lots of people do. Your attitude on this thread is smug and patronising.

OP, I was on their side (kinda) until you said they live 15 mins (drive?) away. Surely if they want the child to nap at 3pm, they take her out for a drive at 3pm and then keep her awake on the 15 minute drive over to yours at 7! (or 6.30 maybe, if they wanted her in bed and asleep before the party starts)