To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

[ViviPrudolf]

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

To be honest, when ours were small we gave up trying to celebrate NY's with friends. The best ones were spend in our own home, kids in bed, M&S food and champagne.
Now that they are older and celebrate with their friends we can do our own thing.

YABU. Your friend asked if it was ok to arrive early - if it's not then say so! Then it's up to her whether to come later or give it a miss.
I personally wouldn't have entertained such an evening when my kids were that age. The chance of them sleeping at all in unfamiliar surroundings with a group of half cut adults having fun beneath them would have been too slim.

'God Raven you don't sound much fun

You invite a seven year old round on new years eve & expect him to go to bed at 9pm?
My 7 year old goes to bed at 9pm on a school night
If you didn't want kids there why invite them?
And the poor friends who spent two hours getting their twins to bed? Wow what a fun night for them!!'

Hi HappyNew2012 - blimey, was just off to bed after a pleasant NYE.

All kids (aged 1-8) in bed by 8pm & asleep by 10pm this year. It works for us!

Two years ago (the night with the 7 year old in question):

We had 5 couples in total, & 8 kids I think, all under 8.

4 of the couples were in full agreement that the idea of a NYE house party is 3pm start, rampaging kids, tea, more rampaging, bedtime for dc, adults sit down thankfully with drinks.

The guys with the then 5 year old twins (couple A) are two of my oldest friends, & had driven 200 miles that day to spend NYE with us. They were desperate to get their excited but exhausted dds to sleep because the girls were shattered - but also so they could relax themselves. It took until well after 9 before both had dropped off, but I wasn't even aware of this at the time, because both parents took turns to sit with them with no fuss. Dh & I would've done exactly this at someone else's party.

So not me forcing them to spend 2 hours getting their twins to bed...I can promise you they wouldn't have thanked you for suggesting they let them stay up any later!

Couple B put their 6 month old dd to bed, no problems as it turned out, but had contingency plan of dh going home with dd.

Couples C&D were ourselves & other local friends - theirs bunked in with ours. Again all quiet by 10.

The 7 year old belonged to couple E.

She's a nice child (now 9), but her parents have never enforced a bedtime or left her with a sitter. They expect her to be welcome ALL night at any social event they are invited to.

Because it's caused...tension, at the very least, at every party I've ever invited them to, these days I just socialise with the dw or we see them as a family during the day.

It would be fair to say that NYE 2009-10 was the last straw. For the rest of us, all of whom had settled our children at what we'd agreed was a sensible hour, to have one tired, grumpy small girl amongst us until 1am did not add to the evening - we wanted to have an adult conversation, get a bit pissed, & watch action movies!

Nothing wrong with kids up late, if that's what everyone's doing - camping weekend in summer would be a totally different deal! - & you & my friends with the all night party animal dd might well have a great NYE together - but equally it's very much the norm amongst my friends to 'aim for 9pm curfew but be happy if it's all quiet by 10' when it comes to small dc...

I think its OTT to ask you to come 3 hours early but I think I see where they are coming from. There is NO way my 11 month old would have arrived at a new place outside of his usual routine (I think most babies fall into a natural pattern of when they are hungry/tired etc and I hardly think respecting that makes you precious) and accepted being packed off to bed with no problem.

They probably want to come early to get babe settled in, orientated and settled to sleep before people start arriving. That would free them up to enjoy the evening too. That I completely understand, though I can't personally see why that would take 3 hours. However, if they are staying overnight anyway and its a mini "holiday" then they probably think its more relaxed than the formal dinner party part suggests.

yadnbu - We have 5 DC and have had a good sleep routine with all of them when they were small. At best we would need 30 mins to get them settled and sorted. If we needed 3 hrs we would have declined the invite!!! I don't understand what so hard to sort out. They can be bathed, changed fed at home etc so all you need to do is erect the travel cot, change them and pop them in. It's not even as though your house is unfamilar.

I think issues such as this can really come to a head at times like this though. I recall one social occasion when friends came over and didn't even try to put their 2 yr old DS to bed and they stayed until 1am! My 5 DC were all flat out and our planned "grown up" eve was ruined by a tearful, grumpy and hyper toddler kicking off until the early hours. WE did not have them back for an eve do until he was older - each to their own but sometimes it's nice to have adult company when the DC are in bed - when I have dealt with my own all day the last thing I want is someone elses all night as well!

YANBU but I guess they have different ideas and assumed it would be ok, so more of a "agree to disagree" and bear it in mind in future I guess

Blimey, I would never have attempted something like this with mine at that age. I think they're being really brave. At various points I had trouble just getting out of the house, long drives were a misery, nothing ever seemed to work. I hated going to a social occasion and having to feed/settle/nurse in another room for hours, missing all the "fun".

Can't you just accommodate your friends? Babies' routines tend to change every few months anyway - I think if it's not convenient for you, just tell them that. But you're moaning about their routine, while it seems that it's your routine that's actually the problem here!

They might be disappointed to be told they're not welcome on their terms - on the other hand they might be very relieved!

well.... update, please

Sorry to bump up this old thread. But, what happened in the end?