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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

185 replies

ViviPrudolf · 30/12/2011 23:30

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

OP posts:

Owlelf · 31/12/2011 00:12

If DD had left home in the car at 7, bathed and onesied when she was 11 months, she would promptly have fallen asleep in the car.

For some babies this could turn into a 15 minute power nap which then means they are full of beans for the next few hours- not ideal for an adult NYE party!

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:12

I acknowledge, I did say in my OP "I reluctantly agreed" but I meant I felt reluctant, my friend (who was on the treadmill at the time and could hardly hear what I was saying) would certainly not have felt like I was being stressy about it.

OP posts:

ScroobiousPip · 31/12/2011 00:16

To be fair, i think Fanjo is a teeny bit right (although it could have been more tactfully said ). Coming over at 5 is not really a compromise if it means that their DD falls asleep in the car on the way and then won't go down for the night at 7.

why not call them back, apologise for being so stressed, and then let them know that they can come whenever will work best, provided they know that they will have to entertain themselves and/or help out with getting ready for the evening. sounds like you could use the extra pair of hands anyway.

ScroobiousPip · 31/12/2011 00:19

'If DD had left home in the car at 7, bathed and onesied when she was 11 months, she would promptly have fallen asleep in the car.

For some babies this could turn into a 15 minute power nap which then means they are full of beans for the next few hours- not ideal for an adult NYE party!'

owlelf - you describe my ds when he was younger so well!

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:20

I don't need to apologise for being so stressed. I wasn't stressed. I just said "3's going to be tricky, what's the latest you can come that would work for DD?" and friend said 5. So I said OK.

Then I felt a bit put out. And wondered if I was being unreasonable to feel put out.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 31/12/2011 00:20

i really find all this planning your life around an 11 month baby totally bizarre!

TheSecondComing · 31/12/2011 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:21

In fact I said "Ok, can't wait!"

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 31/12/2011 00:23

they may not have mentioned it before becasue you were discussing it some months ago - a LT can change in a childs sleep patterns in 3 months at that age.

I agree 3pm seems very early but 5/6ish not so much if expecting the adult part of the evening to start at 7.30pm.

southeastastra · 31/12/2011 00:23

utterly bananas, if we had an invite for 7.30 and children were invited too, i could come then, or a little later, certainly not 4 hours earlier!

and children grow up and will like to join in with parties eventually

ScroobiousPip · 31/12/2011 00:24

sorry, vivi, i didn't mean to imply that you had sounded stressed on the phone to your friend. more that from your previous posts, you've always been quite relaxed about when people turn up/leave and that this is perhaps a change of character for you? 'stressed' was probably the wrong word to use, sorry. perhaps 'apologise for not wanting them to arrive earlier' would be a better way to put it.

Owlelf · 31/12/2011 00:27

South- I think its possibly a case of planning so that the baby goes to sleep in good time to leave everyone free to enjoy the party.

The alternative being that at least one parent can't join the party until DD has settled.

That is understandable to me.

That is understandable i think?

Owlelf · 31/12/2011 00:28

Sorry- rather repeated myself at the end there .

YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 00:28

Fanjo I think that's a bit harsh. How does anything I've said suggest that "don't understand anything about what it's like to have small children"

sorry

i meant you don't understand what it is like to have small children of your own.

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:28

That's ok, sorry to get all pissy about it. I'm just feeling super-sensitive about Fanjo's post which is very unfair and couldn't be further from the truth.

Yes, I am always very relaxed about it, and I would have been on this occasion too had we all not built it up to be this big ole fancy-pants party. Just little things like we're all going to be wearing fancy dress (as suggested by the friend who wants to come early) so DP and I will probably need a bit longer to get ready, and all the setting up of the murder mystery and all that. It was never a big stress, just started to seem a bit harder to manage with people arriving at 3, no matter how good a friend they are.

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 00:31

sorry, I shouldn't have osed the word 'anything'. I am only speaking as someone who has a one year old and knew very little about the impact small people can have on a person's life until I was actually in charge of a small person 24.7 myself.

YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 00:31

used

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:32

sorry x-post Fanjo

I accept I don't understand what its like to have small children of my own, but I can guarantee that all of my friends, sibling and siblings in law would be unanimous in their opinion that I am always MASSIVELY understanding and accommodating of their DCs.

OP posts:

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:34

I accept (and am told more often that I think is polite) that you have no idea what its like till you have your own. I'm 32 and have been shoulder to shoulder at the coalface with more first time parents than most. Its not the same, no, but I certainly am far more empathetic than most childless people.

OP posts:

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:35

didn't realise quite how touchy a subject that clearly seems to be

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 00:37

sorry again, I wasn't meaning to piss you off and i still think your friends are weird to have a routine which starts at 3, or even 5.

Original poster

ViviPrudolf · 31/12/2011 00:38

That's ok, appreciate your apology and get what you are trying to say

OP posts:

pictish · 31/12/2011 00:38

Don't worry OP - I have three kids, and I think your friends are being OTT.
I think Fanjo is being a bit pissy about it too.

YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 00:42

Genuinely sorry here, and not intentionally being pissy.

AgentZigzag · 31/12/2011 00:43

So if you're 'always MASSIVELY understanding and accommodating' of other peoples DCs, and your friends 'are usually very casual and flexible with their DD and her routine' can't you just put this down to a one off?

You don't sound that accommodating or even as though you're trying to understand.

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