To be put out that friends want to come round early to accommodate their DDs regime?

[ViviPrudolf]

We usually go away for new year to a holiday cottage with our closest friends. This year the two couples we spend it with have said they cannot afford to go, so together we all came up with a compromise of spending NYE evening at our house, and they would stay over, and we'd all treat it like a little mini-holiday.

While chatting around ways to make it more fun and special, it was suggested that we wear fancy dress, all cook a course each of a fancy dinner and maybe even do a murder mystery. Not one person suggested it, it was more an idea that evolved from the discussion, and the rest of the group have been getting excited planning costumes and theming the meal. I've organised the murder mystery, invited everyone over for 7.30pm, and that was that.

Today, the day before, my friend who lives about 15 mins away asked if it would be ok if they come over at 3pm which would best accommodate their 11m/o DD's routine. (she is coming too and being put down in her travel cot) I said that in all honesty, that wasn't really ideal, what was the latest they could come and he said 5, so I reluctantly agreed.

Its a pain because I was expecting everyone to arrive at 7.30pm (as they were told), and have loads to do tomorrow, DP and I will be getting ready, preparing the food, preparing the house, and our friends will now be here pottering about sorting out their DD.

I know I should just just roll with it, they're our oldest best friends and we don't stand on ceremony. If it were the usual casual evening at ours, (like we do pretty much every other week) I wouldn't think twice about it and be glad of the additional time in their company. If weeks ago when the whole fancy dress murder mystery dinner party idea was mooted they had said, "well actually, that might be a bit of a trial as we'd probably want to get to yours for around 3 to settle DD" I'd have said fine and we'd have just planned a much less structured evening around that. But as I said, we have casual evenings round ours all the time and we've all been looking forward to it being a bit different. I guess I just assumed DD would be fed, bathed and onesied up before they got here ready to be put down when they did.

DP is even more annoyed than I am. it doesn't help that we have friends staying tonight who live abroad (they only decided to stay over this afternoon, they've been travelling around the country all week) I didn't think it would be a problem as I could turn around the guest room and get everything sorted for the party tomorrow by 7.30pm.

AIBU to feel put out?

How did that happen twice?

ItsSnow, could you really not have kept your child awake for 15 mins in the car? Even with one parent sitting in the back dangling shiny things and reading stories? I too have a power napper, but think we could have managed through this and prodding him for 15m! And tbh if he looks like he's going to sleep you could even stop the car and get him out into the fresh air for a sec.

If this was me, it would be far more about avoiding a late nap and then scuppering bedtime than it would be about the routine. If DS2 (16mo) closes his eyes for even 5mins anytime after 4pm I am lucky to get him to sleep before 10pm from a normal 7pm bedtime. Not something I've ever deliberately created or encouraged, just the way he is. Doesn't stop us doing stuff which might lead to a late nap as it's not the end of the world if I lose an evening settling him once in a while, but if I needed him to go down in the evening I would need to plan my whole day around that. DS1 was pretty much the same, but I suspect they get it from me, even now if I nap during the day, no matter how tired I am I toss and turn at bedtime.

I wonder if your friends got a bit caught up in the excitement of planning a grown-up evening, fantasising back to the old days and have only really considered the practicalities late in the day.

I get annoyed at the smug 'oh this precious parenting, we wouldn't mind'. It entirely depends on the child and if you don't have a good sleeper you're in danger of being confined to the house for years.

Either you want to spend NYE with your friends or not. They have a child that needs to be accommodated. The other option is that you are so free and easy that you don't mind if the baby stays up with you...... But I fear that may start another thread in the morning.

Haha your post made me smile, Robin. What part of welcoming friends to stay the night off-the-cuff the night before hosting a party with other friends in a style that has been formulated by the group, not myself, then agreeing for one couple to arrive 2.5 hours earlier than is ideal, what part of that makes me a "complete control freak"?! I did "tell them straight" as far as was polite and we reached a compromise.

The more measured posters on here have helped me see that I've no real need to feel put out, and that we are all just trying to create the most enjoyable evening possible under the circs. Them by trying to minimise the disruption from their DD by being a bit more considered with her routine and me by having as much time as possible before people arrive to get everything sorted. Those two aims are conflicting, timewise, but we've compromised and thanks to the reactions an personal experiences on this thread (being as evenly split as they are) I now feel that I have neither been a pushover nor too inflexible.

As for DPs reaction being "VU, over the top and odd", well that may be true but he sometimes finds it a little tiresome how we are constantly changing our plans, flexing and adapting to accommodate other people. Which is true, we do. Way more so than we would ever expect others to for us. But the upside of that is we have loads of nice friends & family to spend time with who adore us

Yabu. Both ours were always a nightmare to settle away from home, and meal time of 7 or 7.30 at friends or family would, in practice, always mean one of us missing it to attend to a DC. some of our (child-free) friends got pissy about this, which was quite stressful.

7.30 would be a difficult arrival time for people with DC who are hard to settle. Some DC of 11months don't just settle nicely in the car at 7.15pm and happily snuggle down in their travel cot at the host's house!

I can see elements of your friends in myself and DH (and I don't think we're pfb at all!). If I was them, I would in many ways be really excited about the evening (I can count on one hand the number of nights out we'd had when dd was that age) but I also would be been finding it a bit stressful in case she played up and ruined the night for us and everyone else.

We have had it happen just like people have said, quite a few times, where a late nap in the car has screwed up a normal bedtime and we have spent literally hours trying to deal with a screaming child in someone else's house - not much fun!

We have ended up a bit stricter on routines than we ever thought we would be, and some of our family and friends have been a bit but they aren't the ones who are going to be dealing with her at 11pm - they'll be downstairs enjoying their night. That's just the type of child she is.

Agree, if she's teething or has a cold etc it will be even worse.

I'd suggest when they come at 5pm just be totally relaxed, leave them to it, even leave the bedding ready for them to make up (I wouldn't care a jot) and then by 7.30pm they should have a peacefully sleeping child and they can properly relax and you'll ALL have a fab night.

So, I think UANBU but neither are they, and they probably hate having to be like this.

Have a good evening

Agree with those who suggest that maybe the friends got carried away when the evening was planned - excited at the prospect of an adult evening - and didn't think about the practicalities til later.

Have done this before, in optimistic moments, and also sometimes gone along with things because I feel like am always the boring one / always saying no.

YABU

I speak as someone with yet another super alert baby who has reflux so sleep doesn't come that easily. Actually I wouldn't have agreed to come along though because I hate having to be so anal about routine and don't like putting others out (although will quite happily kick people out if they're still in my home at the witching hour of bath/bedtime).

It actually doesn't do the DC any favours. I was a bit PFB (but not to that extent) and felt I was much better with DC2&3 where I just went with the flow.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating anything. If they only live 15 mins away can they not do the bath etc at home and the get her to fall asleep on the way to you?

I appreciate that all babies are different, but I'm sure a car journey or a bit of fresh air will get her off to sleep if it's her usual sleep time.

YANBU! It seems bizarre to want to arrive at 3pm for a 7.30 party. How long is this baby's bed time routine?!?!

I have a 9mo and have 2 other couples coming tonight, one with an 11mo and one a 2 yo and I let them know they could arrive when best suited them for their LO's but would have been shocked if they had said 3pm! I'll still be in the shops buying the food for dinner at that time! Luckily one couple is coming at 6 and the other sometime after 7 which seems pretty reasonable to me.

SPB - really not with DS3, but yes with the older 2. No idea why, he's two and a half now and we still try to avoid teatime car trips - he's asleep in seconds, before the car has moved on occasion and when he wakes up the other end that is it for hours and hours! We have tried everything to keep him awake, but it is like a drug. (We've even tried putting him back in the car and driving him round at bedtime, but he's not that daft).

Not sure where we went wrong - DS1&2 were never this much trouble with nap and bed time - maybe I am too soft with him being out last!

Agree with LeQueen. Im gobsmacked so many people think fannying around in this manner is normal? I personally would stay at home or leave PFB with a grandparent etc going out caused so much of a faff- which it appears to be doing

As most others have said - totes reasonable for the parents to ask to come an hour earlier to settle the baby but anymore than that has plummeted into PFB nonsense.

My DN is 3 and his dad still has to lie with him until he falls asleep. It is usually about 11pm when he drops off - with dad snoring next to him. The rest of us no longer let it disrupt our revelry when we're all together but the dad will blame anyone and anything on DN not being asleep when all the older ones have been asleep for hours - someone's disturbed him, he's 'tougher' than the others, he 'loves being around people'.
Soooo boring and ridiculous.

Wow that was veering wildly off topic.

You say you are best friends and you usually go on holiday together for NY. So
maybe your friends thought it wouldn't be a problem for them to be with you for the afternoon.

I understand you feel put out, but has it got more to do with also having unexpected visitors last night on top of organising this evening?
Did your friends know you had unexpected guests overnight?

Babies are all different. DD1 was very difficult to settle anywhere other than her own bedroom. DD2 could have slept on a washing line! So I can understand them wanting to have her used ot her surrounding way before bedtime.

As they are your best friends I would ask the parent who isn't attending to DD to help you.

I have an 11 month old and I think this is UTTERLY BONKERS.

I totally agree with LeQueen. Bath, tea and pyjamas at home, milk and into cot at 7pm at your house.

I am BOGGLING at the idea that a bedtime routine starts at 3. Mine starts at 6 and DS is sound asleep by 7. I cannot fathom what they are doing with all that time!

YABU, some children will sleep anywhere anytime, some need theor routine to be just so, otherwise they cause merry hell. Is this their first 'posh' night since their dc arrived? If so I'm guessing they are desperate to have a great night and their best chances of that are to get the baby soundly to sleep as soon as poss.

Surely you can get the house ready in time if you have all day and NO KIDS??? (I'm always amazed at how much I can get done in just a couple of hours wihout my kids, I could make your house look like the Taj Mahal with a whole day, really, you have loads of time! :o )

Bigkids, presumably it starts with the afternoon nap.
Itssnow, that sounds hard. Mime always give me a few verses of wheels on the bus first!

though agree 3pm was a bit extreme, 5 or 6pm woul dbe a fair compromise, though perhaos they are factoring in their own getting ready time??