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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not leave him...

197 replies

NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:45

...even though he punched me in the face earlier this evening?
His is in bed now.
We have DC together.
He is clinically depressed, takes no responsibility for his feelings, says he hates me and is verbally abusive.
I hate him at the moment and am venting on here TBH.
He (strangely) doesn't scare me even though he is a big bloke and aggressive. I think it's because I am numb and he is ill.
I don't know why I am not running as fast as I can?

OP posts:
rhondajean · 30/12/2011 20:46

Yes.

I think you are.

Something needs to change. Has this happened before? are you physically okay?

thepeoplesprincess · 30/12/2011 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 20:47

Why aren't you?

I have a depressive mother. She has bi-polar among other MH issues. It didn't make the physical violence she subjected me to right. MH problems do not excuse violence. Ever.

2kidsintow · 30/12/2011 20:47

Because you care for him still?
But honestly....run!

Until he is well it is not the place for you - or your DC- to be.

Look after yourself.

CoffeeBucks · 30/12/2011 20:48

How does he behave towards your DC?

Do you want them to grow up in an environment where this happens to their mum?

SuePurblybilt · 30/12/2011 20:48

Is your NN meaning that this has been going on for a while? Or that you really don't intend to make a change?

You must know that you need to take your children and go somewhere safe.

LittleTronkey · 30/12/2011 20:49

yabvu, your dc will not thank you for this when they are older.

trust me.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:49

I feel numb, tearful and my face hurts.
I nearly fainted when he did it as the pain was excruciating.
I just feel sad and ill.
He's asleep.

OP posts:
tigerlillyd02 · 30/12/2011 20:49

For the sake of your children, if not yourself you need to get out of there as soon as you can.

Domestic violence is not a good environment for children to grow up in and will without doubt cause some psychological problems for them later.

grippingon · 30/12/2011 20:50

I am very sorry to hear about this evening's events. If you possibly can, gather your strength together and leave. I know it's not easy. Only you can make yourself do it.

Hassled · 30/12/2011 20:50

It doesn't actually matter what you think or feel right now, though, does it? You can analyse him and excuse him and be unscared or whatever till the cows come home. What does matter is that your DC are in a house where it's apparently OK for their father to punch their mother in the face. Is that really how you want them to grow up? I know I sound unduly harsh and I'm sorry for it, but please just go. Get your kids away from that.

Ismeyes · 30/12/2011 20:51

hellhasnofury is right. MH problems do not excuse violence. You need to get out now, call the police. This will both make you safe and the police, together with mental health services if needed, will decide if this is down to his current mental state and get him the help he needs as a result or they will make it clear this is not due to his mental state. That will give you your answer.

Get yourself and your children safe. If he is ill, he will understand why when he recovers. Staying there and quiet is the worse thing you can do.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:51

He loves DC, never aggressive to them verbally or physically. They are out at sleepovers.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 30/12/2011 20:52

Ok.

You need to get your face seen. Is easy to crack something. I know, I box.

He is ill. It's not an excuse. It does mean things can get better, bit for now it's not a safe place for you or the DC.

Do you have someone you can call??

ABumDance · 30/12/2011 20:52

Given what you have said I think it is worth removing yourself and children from the relationship even if it is just until he has received the correct medical help and if of course you both still want to be together. It sounds like you could do better for yourself,for your children and for him. If he is clinically depressed I assume you will need to instigate all the changes as it will be really difficult for him to do but for all of you it seems like the best option. I'm not entirely sure of support networks for families in your situation but didn't want to read and run hopefully someone else with more experience and better advice will be along to help you.

Ismeyes · 30/12/2011 20:52

You can do this. You are strong enough.

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 20:53

I will repeat - something has to change.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 30/12/2011 20:55

Yes YABU
You must get yourself and your DCs out. If you don't you are complicit in emotionally abusing them.

BastedTurkey · 30/12/2011 20:56

If you take no action then where is the impetus for him to resolve his issues.

He will continue to abuse you. I know it is hard to take the first steps but please leave him, if not for you then for your DCs who will grow up in this toxic violent atmosphere and think it is normal.

YuleingFanjo · 30/12/2011 20:57

It is not at all unusual for victims of violence to stay after the first event. Is this the first time the abuse has been physical? Do you have any family or friends you can speak to? if you can't or don't want to leave please do tell someone so the violence is documented.

fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 20:58

Sweetheart, By the sounds of it, this isn't the first time is it?

Do you have anywhere else to go this evening? Do you have any friends in RL that you can call?

Having depression doesn't mean you're allowed to knock seven shades of shite out of your partner.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:59

if you don't you are complicit in emotionally abusing them.
That grieves me the most. They suffer if I do and suffer if I don't.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 30/12/2011 21:00

Oh for heavens sake. YABVVVVVU.

OP I am sorry if this sounds harsh, I feel for you I really do and it must be horrible and frightening but PLEASE, please...

You KNOW what you have to do

You KNOW it will escalate and get worse if you don't

You know your DC will be horribly harmed either emotionally, or eventually physically if you stay.

As a mother, you have to protect yourself and your children. That means leaving, and staying gone - ASAP.

Don't make excuses for him. There is no excuse. Not one single one.

lubeybooby · 30/12/2011 21:02

No, OP your kids will not suffer if you leave.

They will have a happy household with just you, where no one is being abused and they witness no abuse... and that is what matters. Fuck everything else. You will manage. Everyone else does

No one is damaged by having less money

An abusive household IS damaging. Wake up.

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 21:02

OP can you get some medical attention?

Is no one else thinking she could be concussed or worse?

That would be my first priority.

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